30 Teams, 30 Haiku: My 2024 MLB Preview

 

Is it late March already? Spring training has closed shop, the lawns are cut, the dirt is pristine, and I already smell the $10 hot dogs and $12 beers. Baseball has started anew, and again I'm guardedly optimistic about my Royals. The AL Central is the weakest in baseball, and even last year's best team (the Twinkies) aren't necessarily striking the iron while it's hot. This division is wide open, and if the stars align KC might crack .500 and sneak into October ball. (Let me dream.)

As always, I cover all 30 teams, 17 syllables at a time. Asterisks note wild cards.

NL EAST

1. Braves. Can’t break their Stride(r)/barely anyone beats them/…except the Phillies.

2. Phillies.* Is Schwarber the next/Rob Deer, Frank Howard, or one/pudgy unicorn?

3. Marlins. Without Sandy, the/pitching still shines; injured Jazz/gives offense the blues. 

4. Mets. A healthy Edwin/ensures eight inning games; in/Flushing, they stand pat.

5. Nationals. Still, still rebuilding/patience on the Potomac/Wood, Crews not ready.

NL CENTRAL

1. Cubs. Third base needs Morel/support; enough talent to/put Taillon first place.

2. Reds. Young, deep, and feisty/once Elly figures out big/league pitching, watch out!

3. Cardinals. Last year? Rock bottom/the “Redbird Way” still needs a/GPS, pronto.

4. Brewers. Youthful rotation/suggests a rebuild, yet their/bats still foment runs.

5. Pirates. This frigate might win/70; Keller captains/soggy staff of arms.

NL WEST

1. Dodgers. Ohtani was a/sure bet; deep pockets, too big/to fail, boom or bust.

2. D-Backs.* Snakes alive, they’re still/a dark horse; rotation depth/remains an issue.

3. Padres.* Preller the seller/pared-back Friars must make more/with less; King must reign.

4. Giants. Webb of deception/was Kapler the issue, or/are they just middling?

5. Rockies. Thin air, thin talent/Rocky Mountain wayward can’t/trade injured Bryant.

AL EAST

1. Orioles. Early birds score the/runs; adios, Angelos/good morn, Baltimore!

2. Yankees.* Soto might give Judge/Juan shot at a title; Boone’s/hot seat is charring.

3. Rays.* Wander no more, this/team is focused on winning/now (they bargain well).

4. Blue Jays. Can anyone hit/besides Bo? Good rotation/begs for run support.

5. Red Sox. Strange mix of young, old/defense issues still linger/Cora tweaks the core.

AL CENTRAL

1. Guardians. The best by default/power outage, outfield woes/persist, yet still tops.

2. Twins. Playoff monkey off/their backs, slashed payroll boosts youth/Not enough lefties.

3. Royals. Bolstered bullpen hopes/Ragans is economic/amid well-paid arms.

4. Tigers. Detroit Mercy, health/is concerning here; young arms/counter greenhorn bats.

5. White Sox. Hired ex-Royals/aren’t needed; Reinsdorf wrecks this/club all by himself.

AL WEST

1. Astros. Victor, upgrade at/backstop; soft bullpen hinders/a constant lineup.

2. Rangers*. Early DL woes/raise concerns; Wyatt won’t be/quiet for too long.

3. Mariners. Middle of the road/O (besides J-Rod); arms must/rally ‘round Raleigh. 

4. Angels. Trout, Rendon, Detmers/need rebound years; leap (O’Hoppe?)/over .500?

5. Athletics. Mount Davis, old slum/Vegas move, complicated/Sad situation.

NL ROY: Yoshinobu Yamamoto, Dodgers

AL ROY: Wyatt Langford, Rangers

NL Cy Young: Zach Wheeler, Phillies

AL Cy Young: Kevin Gausman, Blue Jays

NL MVP: Ronald Acuna, Braves

AL MVP: Julio Rodriguez, Mariners

First Manager Fired: Bud Black, Rockies

2024 World Series: Dodgers over Rangers in 7

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Geezer Teaser

The primaries aren't quite over, but the result was a foregone conclusion six months ago: a rematch of Biden versus Trump, the first major party encore since Eisenhower and Stevenson in 1952 and 1956. (Pity the fellow Illinoisan-- our primary is still a week away.) As Jon Stewart attempted to point out a few weeks ago, Biden and Trump are also breaking the record for oldest presidential candidates since... the same two east coast grandfathers, four years ago.

The age difference between Trump and Biden is 3 1/2 years, and while there are obvious old age concerns, only one candidate seems to be in mental decline. The contrast was blatant this past week: Biden give a fiery State of the Union speech, belying his 81 years, while 77-year-old Trump looks increasingly tired and unfocused at his frequent Nuremberg rallies. One could blame Trump's weariness on all his legal woes, but I'd argue it's his undiagnosed diabetes. (For some personal perspective, my father died of "old age" at 78.)

Some of the Biden obloquy makes sense. His response to Gaza was has been lackadaisical for all involved parties. The economy is fine, and there is job growth, but inflation --or rather, simulated inflation by big business-- hasn't been tackled. Biden's first term has been a mixed bag, but there's no need to reiterate how we cannot let Trump pull a Grover Cleveland. This rematch is unappetizing for many Americans, but Joe Biden is the closest thing to a palatable option. 

Next week: my 2024 baseball preview.

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