Tuesday, March 10, 2009

20 Things That Make Me Laugh

Like many of you, I have the Compare People application on my Facebook account, but something about this profile filler has been troubling me lately. On a weekly basis I receive an e-mail that lists my three greatest strengths and weaknesses. My bottom three has been subject to a lot of turnover, but one trait that tends to stick is "person with the best sense of humor."

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of CP rankings that I'll never win- "who has the most attractive body," "who is more likely to win a fight," "who would make the best mother," the list goes on and on. This concerns me because I think of myself as an inherently facecious and belligerent guy; I may come off as shy and pragmatic at first, but once you get to know me I'm pretty easygoing. Let's not forget that I've dabbled in stand-up comedy on and off for the last five years, though I've only performed once in the past year. (Of course, if you're on Facebook you can always make me feel better and start stuffing the ballot boxes.) Nonetheless, the question remains- what makes Stuart Allard laugh? Here's 20 random things that tickle my funny bone:

Saturday Night Live. That's no big surprise, though I don't feel like a fan anymore as much as I just write about and critique the show.

SCTV. An obscure curio to today's generation but played Pepsi to SNL's Coca-Cola in the late '70s and early '80s. A sketch comedy series that was perfect in places where SNL was flawed and vice versa.

Overweight women that refer to themselves as "divas."

People that write in stereo equipment questions to the Playboy Advisor.

Werewolves and Lollipops by Patton Oswalt. I haven't laughed harder at any comedy disc in the past year.

Teen poetry, especially the kind written by white middle-class teens. "Look at me- I think I have issues!"

Conspiracy theorists.

The career trajectory of Kate Hudson. Has she even made a good movie since "Almost Famous?"

People that name their children after seasons, cars, or brands of cooking oil.

Anyone that takes Nickelback seriously.

Francesco Marciuliano and Sara Benincasa. Right now, they're the duke and duchess of the underground comedy movement. I've discussed these two in the past (I plugged Ces' blog about a year ago, and Sara gained notoriety for her Sarah Palin vlogs) but I can't emphasize enough what gifted comedians they are.

That one time many years ago when Nolan Ryan put Robin Ventura in a headlock.

The Detroit Lions.

People that criticize baseball players for using performance-enhancing drugs while praising the benefits of Cialis.

Dress Barn. What self-respecting women would shop anywhere with "barn" in its name? What does that say about their clientele? Would Victoria's Secret be the same store if it were called the Bra Barn?

McSweeney's Internet Tendency. It's like MAD magazine for English majors.

Men's briefs. It's almost impossible to look good in tighty whities.

When my dog tries to pick a fight with another dog. Duke weighs 7 1/2 pounds; the average dog in our neighborhood weighs 50-60 lbs.

"The Road to Betterness," the third episode of Breaking the News. Don't get me wrong, all four episodes were pretty good in their own right, but if I had to choose a favorite...

My inability to come up with a 20th item.

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