Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Stuart Matthew Allard, the First 9,131 Days or So: A Self-Indulgent 25th Birthday Celebration

Last week, in the span of 24 hours I achieved three milestones at TV.com: 25,000 forum posts, 300 forum topics created, and 14,900 approved submissions. Either this cements my status as one of the most prolific contributors in the unofficial nine-year history of the site or makes a statement about my fledging social life, take your pick. On top of that, today's my 25th birthday and we're entering what is considered the "slow" part of the year in terms of current events*. So how should I take advantage of this unusual alignment of stars? Why, some top five lists, of course!

Five Trendy Dog Names That Could Easily Be Confused for Skin Disorders:

1. "Frengle"
2. "Zena"
3. "Taz"
4. "Rosacea"
5. "Spot"

Five Elements on the Periodic Table and Their Long-Hidden Criminal Records:

1. Strontium (held up a White Hen Pantry)
2. Bismuth (37 parking tickets dating back to 1998)
3. Praseodymium (allegedly instigated a Lanthanoid-Actinoid gang war)
4. Ununoctium (two counts of graft, three counts of mail fraud; walked on a technicality)
5. Krypton (no explanation necessary)

Five Unhelpful Sentences Used by Spelling Bee Judges to Derive the Meaning of the Word:

1. "_________ is the word you are trying to spell."
2. "_________ is one of my favorite words."
3. "_________ is a word that will never come out of Spencer Pratt's mouth."
4. "There is a single word that could alter the course of your life, that if spelled correctly will give you the personal validation and respect of your peers that you've been largely denied in your brief lifetime, and if answered incorrectly will not only further your social ostracization but hinder any future human interaction and subject you to a long, miserable life of silent anguish... and that word is _________."
5. "If you don't spell _________, I will lose fifty dollars. Let's be honest- this whole thing is rigged."

My Five Favorite Current Pittsburgh Pirates:

1. That guy
2. The other guy
3. That dude, you know, with the moustache?
4. The bullpen catcher
5. Andrew McCutchen

*Yes, I realize President Obama is backpedaling on universal health care, but there's really nothing I can add to the subject that I didn't already say two weeks ago. Plus, today's my birthday!


  1. Happy birthday.

    Nice lists

    I'm suprised by how easily Obama is bending over right now, if he wants the Public Option he should fight a lot harder for it.

    And I'm suprised you did not mention Brett Favres attempt to take the media spotlight off of Michael Vick. I was suprised when I found that out while I was watching the Cardinals/Steelers game [where one of the few highlights is that Leinart did well enough to make me think he could still win games for us if Warner goes down] and I did not think that Vick was going to the Eagles, and it looks like a lot of people were. Vick must be happy that McNabb gave him that chance.

    Favres inability to make up his mind on if he wants to retire or not is just getting annoying.

  2. Happy Birthday Stu. Man that is one ugly-ass 1960s style cake. Yuck. It was around that age that I finally started acting like an adult.

    We shouldn't talk about Favre. I've been sick of him since 1993. He doesn't deserve any attention.

  3. Let me remind you that this is the 2009 model of Brett Favre, not the 1999 model. A Brett-Peterson combo looks dominant on paper, but one player is past his prime while the other still has his best years ahead of him.

    For the record, that was the only 25th birthday cake I could find on Yahoo Image Search. My actual cake was a "cupcake-cake" in the shape of a baseball.

  4. Yeah, I think he will probably wind up playing like he did after week 12 with the Jets last year. But at least he is better than what they have now...

  5. When you compare Favre's stats to last year's Jackson-Rosenfels tandem, it's kind of a trade-off. Sage and TJ combined for 18 interceptions, while Favre had 22. The passing yards will be a slight improvement, though.

  6. Sorry I missed your birthday Stu - Hope it was as colorful as the picture of that cake! - I have to say my favorite Pirates player is Roberto Clemente - but pretending I don't know who that is...I'd have to say that bullpen catcher (Luis Dorante) is my favorite!

  7. Most of those interceptions did come after Favre hurt his arm around week 12, but he has always thrown a lot of interceptions.

    But after seeing how he did last week I'm starting to think it was a mistake for Minnesota to pick him up.