Tuesday, December 13, 2011

2011: The Year in Jokes

For those of you who are Facebook friends or follow me on Twitter (@heystu818), I've been known to write late night monologue-style jokes as status updates and/or tweets. I typically measure how a joke lands by how many people "like" or retweet my comment, than file it for my portfolio. If there's no "likes" I safely assume it bombed, one or two means it's tepid or merely okay, and anything above that in my eyes is a home run. For the first part of my 2011 in review I'm going to look back at the year in jokes, chosen indirectly by you: my friends, family, teammates, and co-workers.

+ A man in Omaha tried to rob a store armed only with a rock. Luckily for the store owner, he had some paper. (1/7/11)

+ Brandi Favre, the kid sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a Mississippi crystal meth lab this afternoon. The charges were dropped, however when she agreed to text the cops a photo of her cooter. (1/12/11)

+ Yahoo has announced plans to release an app for iPad and Android. This app allows you to travel back in time to when people still used Yahoo. (2/11/11)

+ Today marks the end of the "Jeopardy!" IBM challenge, which pits the supercomputer Watson against two of the show's all-time champions. Unlike the contestants, Watson contains 200 million pages of structured and unstructured content consuming four terabytes of disk storage. Like the other contestants, it has never seen a vagina. (2/15/11)

+ A 9.0 earthquake has just struck the northern coast of Japan. CNN is blaming the quake on the faulting of a long-inactive tectonic plate. MSNBC is blaming the quake on an elastic rebound hundreds of miles below the earth's surface. Fox News is blaming the quake on socialized health care. (3/11/11)

+ Today marks the 30th anniversary of the assassination attempt on President Ronald Reagan. This dubious milestone has posed a series of questions, like "what would life in the US be like had Reagan not survived?" and "should we worry about an attempt on President Obama's life?" and "would John Hinckley Jr. and Jodie Foster have made a cute couple?" (3/30/11)

+ An "American Idol" fan was left shocked and in tears when she was forced to give up her front row seat because she was too fat. The producers also ordered Steven Tyler to move from his seat because he looks likes an 80-year-old woman. (4/12/11)

+ A recent survey suggests that Arkansas and Mississippi have the highest proportion of people that rely upon cell phones. This is a signifigant leap for both states, considering ten years ago they were still using two cans on a string. (4/20/11)

+ The Chesapeake Bay Candle company is recalling seven million candles due to a fire risk. In other news, 10 million fireworks are being recalled because they might fly into the air and explode when ignited. (4/21/11)

+ Pakistani Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani said Monday that any allegations that the country's leaders knew Osama bin Laden was hiding 2 1/2 hours away since 2005 are "disingenuous." While Gilani admits that bin Laden was close during that time, he mentioned that officials rarely drive out there, because gas prices are just plain ridiculous. (5/11/11)

+ A man in Willowbrook, IL returned from vacation to find $30,000 in movie memorabilia from "Lord of the Rings" and "Aliens" stolen from his home. In fact, the only thing the thief didn't take was the man's virginity. (5/17/11)

+ GOP presidential hopeful Ron Paul has announced that he would support the legalization of prostitution and heroin. As a result, he earned the endorsement of every jazz musician that ever lived. (5/19/11)

+ It was announced today that Anthony Weiner has signed a multi-year contract to play quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings... (6/7/11)

+ Nintendo announced that its new gaming system console, the Wii U, at the E3 conference earlier this week. The system's new controller has a variety of new features that will render you even more useless in social situations. (6/20/11)

+ Today is the 83rd anniversary of the invention of sliced bread, which makes one wonder what was the greatest invention up to that point. (7/8/11)

+ Good news: the NFL lockout could be over as soon as this Friday. Bad news: my CFL fantasy league has completely disappeared. (7/19/11)

+ A recent survey has ranked Casey Anthony the most-hated person in America. Better luck next year, Congress. (8/11/11)

+ Paul Meier, the inventor of the randomized clinical trial, died this week at age 87. There will be two funerals held, and neither family nor clergy will know which coffin contains his body. (8/18/11)

+ A white rat approximately three feet in length was speared to death with a pitchfork in Brooklyn's Marcy Houses this week, which poses a question: who in Brooklyn would own a pitchfork? (8/26/11)

+ Lauren Bush, the niece of former President George W. Bush, got married in Colorado last weekend. The bride wore white, the mother of the bride wore lilac, and the uncle of the bride wore Captain America jammies. (9/6/11)

+ Arch West, the man who created Doritos, died today at age 97. Per his request, his ashes will be rubbed all over a pair of old sweatpants. (9/27/11)

+ A recent survey has ranked Chad as the worst place in the world for a woman to live. Another survey has ranked Chad's apartment as the worst place for a woman to wake up. (10/14/11)

+ A group of British scientists have unveiled "super broccoli," a new breed of the vegetable that helps ward off heart disease. The super broccoli has been praised by supernutritionists but avoided at all costs by superchildren. (10/26/11)

+ It has been reported that Coldplay's new album Mylo Zyloto is their most expensive ever. Apparently, $2 million went towards production and $3 million was spent to keep Gwyneth Paltrow from appearing on the disc. (11/1/11)

+ A recent report suggests that the McRib sandwich contains a flour-bleaching agent commonly used in gym mats and the soles of shoes. I'm quite relieved; for a moment there, I thought the McRib contained meat. (11/15/11)

+ A recent survey suggests that people that regularly watch Fox News Channel are less informed than people who don't watch news at all. The survey also determined that people who regularly watch the Food Network are disportionately more informed about creme fraiche. (11/26/11)

+ Reuters is reporting that President Obama will visit our troops in Afghanistan on December 25th while his wife and daughters attend various DC-area events. Fox News is reporting that another black man is leaving his family on Christmas. (12/9/11)

Next Week: the year in music, 2011.


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