Inside Incel

Last week's quasi-terrorist attack in Toronto struck a nerve in an unexpected way. In a world where these types of attacks are becoming all too frequent, I felt something oddly personal about Alek Minassian. He was a lone wolf and an angry, misguided soul. Alek was also part of an internet subculture that spoke to his frustrations with women, but in a way that was anti-social at best and morally heinous at worst. It led to a moment of self-evaluation.

Am I an incel?

Dating has not come easy for me. Social awkwardness has always put me behind an 8-ball. I can count the number of girls I asked out in high school on one hand. My first kiss was a serendipitous move by a friend during the homecoming dance my senior year. I don't think I realized until after I graduated high school how little I socialized with my peers, which likely explains the lack of strong relationships that came from that period of my life. I was semi-aware that I was being excluded, but the advent of social media pushed my FOMO out of the subconscious.

I don't do online dating much, except out of boredom. Whether it was the old Yahoo Personals, POF, or OkCupid I often struck out; private messages and "flirts" would go unanswered 95% of the time. My DMs are veer into the generic, and its not something I've put much investment in. As for face to face interaction, it took me a long time to shake off the false notion of being out of anyone's "league." On many occasions I've convinced myself out of asking out a woman because there was nothing to indicate she was interested.

I go through long dry spells. My first real relationship was in college, and I don't think there's anything to say there that hasn't already been said. After that, the next five years were a smattering of first dates and coffee meetups. Then I finally made it to a second date with an older woman, but I was driven away by her neediness; she wanted marriage and children when I simply wasn't ready. We've stayed friends, but we keep each other at arm's length.

After that experience, I went through another five-year dry spell. The Chicago improv community offered the healthy social life that I'd been seeking for years, and I felt compelled to ask out other performers. It was a double-edged sword, though; the possibility of getting rejected also meant alienating another performer and being denied opportunities. I was cautious, asking out maybe 10 improvisers over the span of 2 1/2 years, but nothing came of it. One said yes to doing dinner; it ended somewhat abruptly because whether or not it was a date was not clearly defined. That was my fault. After that, my adolescent self-consciousness reared its ugly head again.

In 2016, to my delight and surprise I found myself in not one but two relationships. I met the first women via OkCupid; we went out for four months before schedule conflicts rose and we grew bored with each other. I met the second woman at a friend's party; it was an open relationship, and in spite of my spotty history I was okay with that. We went out for 14 months, until she realized I reminded her too much of her ex-husband. We've stayed friends, though I've been giving her space of late. I've been single now for almost six months.

What does that have to do with being an incel? I have never felt a notion of being violent toward anyone that rejected me, or treated sex like a god-given right. On a couple of occasions, I will attest that I have sent tersely worded messages if someone stood me up on a date, or backed out without telling me. The messages were not threatening, but I articulated how annoyed I was. These instances, four or five in total, occurred during those aforementioned dry spells. I was last stood up on a date back in February.

I don't condone what Alek did. His actions were beyond misguided and shortsighted, an instance of misguided anger gone dangerously haywire. His inability to take a step back and self-evaluate was one thing, but to lash out at a group of unsuspecting strangers is reprehensible. It also opened a dialogue into the incel culture and how the mistreatment of women still permeates our culture. For everyone else, think about the mistakes you've made (or could make) before you act.

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