Since last summer, I've been contributing to an upstart satirical newspaper with a Chicago focus. (Suffice to say, The Onion has begat many knockoffs and regional competitors.) In February I started working on an article about the hype surrounding the White Sox, with the intent of having it published online in time for baseball season. Then COVID hit, all sports shut down, and the article was shelved. When play resumed in mid-July, I tweaked and resubmitted the piece. This led to a vigorous discussion between the editor/founder, creative director, and myself over whether the Sox article was too negative. Since I don't think anything's on the line, pleas enjoy this rejected piece.
(Ed. note: for the purposes of this article, let's pretend I am a semi-credible journalist.)
By Stuart Allard
Four months after Spring Training was halted at Camelback Ranch in Glendale, Arizona, the Chicago White Sox are back at Guaranteed Rate Stadium, ready and set to underwhelm for another season.
“Before the season was halted, this team was built to win 85, maybe 86 games,” said Sox GM Rick Hahn. “We’ll be watchable, but Minnesota and Cleveland will find a way to be marginally better than us, and win the American League Central.”
“With any luck, we’ll continue the White Sox tradition of falling just short of expectations.”
Optimism is high for a team that in 119 seasons, have only appeared in the playoffs nine times and have never made the playoffs in consecutive years.
“I like this team,” said Sox great Harold Baines, who made his sole World Series appearance as a coach. “All of these guys are set for a long career of not-embarrassing baseball, competing but seldom contending, straddling the line between greatness and mediocrity. I see a lot of me in these guys.”
The Sox’ big off-season signing, former Cy Young winner Dallas Keuchel, did not disagree. “I’m getting paid $18.5 million each of the next three years, and my goal is to pitch competently enough without [Sox fans] arguing that I’m overpaid.”
The most devout Pale Hose fans share that excitement.
“Look at this core,” said Bridgeport native Jamie Piersall. “Yoan, Eloy, Luis Robert, Kopech, Fulmer-- all promising but unproven young guys that will fall to meet the lofty and exaggerated expectations of the average, modern day Sox fan. One of them might win a championship in another city.”
Knocking back a Modelo, Piersall continued: “We’ve only been to the World Series twice since Woodrow Wilson was president, our 2005 title was kind of a fluke, and the only highlight [the Sox] had in the last 10 years was kicking Adam LaRoche’s teenage son out of the clubhouse. This 2020 team fits into the Sox’ never-ending yet linear path of nondescript baseball.”
When reached for comment, elderly Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf said “Rest assured, this White Sox baseball team is tangible and exists.”
Hahn smiles as he looks at this club. “With a new young core, we hope to finish with a winning record, but only tease at playoff contention. Just like the good-but-not-great Sox teams of 2012. And 2010. And 2004. And 2003. And 2002. And 1999. And 1998. And 1997…”
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