32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My 2021 NFL Preview

 

It's pro football season yet again, with an extra game added this year on top of the expanded playoff format introduced in 2020. I'm cutting to the chase, because no one reads this introductory paragraph. I break it down, 17 syllables at a time: 

AFC NORTH

1. Ravens (11-6) Title contenders/when the O is rush only/shake it up, Lamar!

2. Browns* (10-7) Clowney, no fool on/the edge; defensive upgrades/compliment strong O.

3. Steelers (9-8) Smashed Roethlis-burger/if the O-line falters; weak/rush attack lingers.

4. Bengals (6-11) These Burrow-ing cats/have a new wide receiver/but still little depth.

AFC EAST

1. Bills (12-5) Surplus of wideouts/will delight, though green pass D/could wreck title hopes.

2. Dolphins* (11-6) Dance the Tua-step/the flowin’ Samoan has/surpassed Fitz-magic.

3. Patriots (8-9) A sleeper (really!)/Mac won’t cheese, he’s ready now/sack-happy D helps.

4. Jets (5-12) Zach Wilson avoids/the second pick curse, but not/same old Gang Green woes.

AFC SOUTH

1. Titans (11-6) Injuries and old/O-line? No worries! Give the/ball to King Henry.

2. Colts (8-9) Ponies saddled by/missing pieces; keep an eye/on Carson, daily.

3. Jaguars (4-13) Trevor, blond bomber/won’t win immediately/with Urban’s cowboys.

4. Texans (2-15) Hot mess in H-Town/a team so toxic, you need/a mask just to watch.

AFC WEST

1. Chiefs (13-4) Retooled O-line, but/at QB they stand Pat; Frank/Clark, do or die time!

2. Chargers* (10-7) Brandon Staley and/"activation period"/SoCal Ted Lasso?

3. Raiders (8-9) New tackles offer/Carr insurance, yet their D/still won't finish games.

4. Broncos (7-10) *Still* no QB; all/these good receivers wasted/Studs? More like geldings.

NFC NORTH

1. Packers (12-5) Green and gold drama/Aaron’s pouting distracts from/injuries on D.

2. Bears (8-9) Dalton “fields” the flak/over who should start; not if/Big Red’s benched, but when.

3. Vikings (7-10) Are their fatal flaw/the D-line, special teams, Kirk/Cousins… or all three?

4. Lions (4-13) Coach Campbell wants to/bite kneecaps, but these Kitties/are just too hamstrung.

NFC EAST

1. Cowboys (10-7) Good O… on paper/health is crucial to avoid/'20 fiasco.

2. WFT (8-9) Anonymous, yet/scary D-line; placeholder/QB might suffice.

3. Giants (7-10) Big, blue question marks/on both sides of the ball; can/Saquon stay healthy?

4. Eagles (5-12) Minshew or Hurts, two/unsavory options on/a slapdash offense.

NFC SOUTH

1. Bucs (12-5) No changes at all/Tommy, old mutineer has/surplus of weapons.

2. Saints* (11-6) Taysom or Winston/a challenging decision/that won’t be Brees-y.

3. Panthers (7-10) Darnold's redemption/starts here; lack of left tackle/could unspool the O.

4. Falcons (6-11) Dirty birds can't fly/when winnable games aren't won/Is Dean Pees a whiz?

NFC WEST

1. Seahawks (11-6) Lil’ Russ is appeased/they’ll score in bunches, maybe/contend if D clicks.

2. Rams* (10-7) Stafford finally/has a staff; Donald and D/are still excellent.

3. Niners* (9-8) Jimmy G cannot/falter; Lance will boil if/put under center.

4. Cardinals (7-10) Better than record/suggests; Kyler needs to be/top tier *all* season.

OTHER PICKS:

NFL MVP: Patrick Mahomes, Chiefs

Offensive ROY: Najee Harris, Steelers

Defensive ROY: Micah Parsons, Cowboys

First Head Coach Fired: Kliff Kingsbury, Cardinals 

Super Bowl LI: Chiefs 31, Packers 13

Thoughts?

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