From 2019 until the middle of last year, I contributed to a satirical newspaper called the Chicago Machine. It was a strictly online entity, a tabloid in the loosest sense, in the vein of The Onion and its countless imitators. Citing lack of interest, the Machine quietly shut down late last year; however, I had several articles and news "briefs" in the Trello queue that never saw the light of day. I'm especially fond of this one. (NOTE: I wrote this nearly a year ago.)
Seven months into hospice care, former U.S. President and humanitarian Jimmy Carter finished the 2023 Chicago Marathon in two hours, 58 minutes. Runners and marathon staff was shocked to see the 99-year-old not only standing on his own two feet, but finished in the middle of the pack in one of the world’s highest-profile foot races. Carter attributed his performance to Jesus and a high-carb diet.
After finishing a post-race Clif bar, Carter said he will fly back down to his hometown of Plains, GA and have “insane sex” with his wife of 77 years, Rosalynn.
I suppose if I have any personal nitpick about this piece, it's that The Onion posted several Carter stories in the wake of his hospice announcement last winter. However, I'll attribute that to parallel thought.
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