Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Why Your Team Won't Win Super Bowl XLIV

Ah, football season. For some, it's the beginning of the "real" sports year, when America's real pasttime returns from seven months of hibernation; for others, it's a pleasant distraction between baseball and hockey seasons. (Personally, I sway more towards the former than the latter.) Though I'm excited about my Bears' prospects this year, there can be such a thing as too much optimism. Much like my baseball preview earlier this year, with my predictions I give one or two reasons why your team will not win the Super Bowl this year. Who's got the goods and who are the poseurs? Let's find out:
1. New England (11-5) Tom Brady had better be healthy. The D-line might be on the cusp of an overhaul.
2. Miami* (10-6) Same team as last year, but good luck beating anybody in the AFC East or South. Two rookie starting CBs exposes lack of depth.
3. New York Jets (8-8) Sanchez was a nice long-term pick-up. Playoffs in 2010?
4. Buffalo (5-11) This whole team feels thrown together. Lee Evans will be Trent Edwards' top target, not an aging and overpaid T.O.

1. Pittsburgh (12-4) A model of consistency that defies math and logic. However, do they really have what it takes to be a dynasty?
2. Baltimore* (10-6) Could be really dangerous if the defense stays healthy. Joe Flacco will have a hard time following up his sensational rookie year.
3. Cincinnati (7-9) Carson Palmer and Chad Ocho Cinco are reportedly sharing an apartment. How will this help matters?
4. Cleveland (2-14) Becoming the second winless team of this decade is not out of reach. Hellooooo, first overall draft pick!

1. Indianapolis (11-5) Lots of new faces led to awkward preseason and baffling 1-3 record. Manning and Saturday remain the best QB-center combo of the decade.
2. Jacksonville (9-7) Like Seattle and Baltimore, it all comes down to injuries. Expect an increase over last year's 29 team sacks.
3. Houston (8-8) If Houston were in any other division, they'd compete for a first-round bye. Rex Grossman is Matt Schaub's understudy. Gulp.
4. Tennessee (6-10) Ancient O-line will show its age. Did somebody forget to tell these guys Vince Young is still their quarterback?

1. San Diego (9-7) This team does not deserve to be coached by Norv Turner. With anybody else the Bolts would be a contender.
2. Kansas City (7-9) Matt Cassel is a perfect match for Todd Haley's shotgun-happy offense. Question is, will the new 3-4 scheme work?
3. Denver (6-10) Kyle Orton will make no attempt in replacing Jay Cutler. Also fiddling with that trendy 3-4 scheme, but with all the wrong parts.
4. Oakland (3-13) Adding aging D-liner Richard Seymour won't fix the Raiders' myriad issues on and off the field.

1. New York Giants (12-4) Losing Plaxico Burress won't make a difference. Wondering if the pass rush can keep it together for 16 games will.
2. Philadelphia* (10-6) If Brian Westbrook gets injured again, that last wild card spot will go to the Cowboys. Is Michael Vick worth the distraction?
3. Dallas (9-7) The Cowboys will underperform simply to prevent Tony Romo from getting humiliated in the playoffs again.
4. Washington (5-11) For Daniel Snyder, the 'Skins are like Beanie Babies; it's a big, trendy investment from 10 years ago that hasn't paid off.

1. Chicago (9-7) Cutler's a stud, but will his petulance wear down the rest of the team?
2. Minnesota (7-9) All Day and his fellow receivers will keep this train wreck competitive.
3. Green Bay (6-10) Second-easiest schedule in the league doesn't hide the Packs' inability to convert a first or second down.
4. Detroit (3-13) Will improve on 2008 win total. Need I say more?

1. Atlanta (11-5) The Dirty Birds have a narrow edge on a tight --albeit humdrum-- division. Can Matt Ryan avoid a sophomore jinx?
2. Carolina (9-7) This franchise underwhelms year after year. A winning record might actually be too generous this time around.
3. New Orleans (7-9) Quite possibly the worst pass defense in the NFC. Drew Brees and his pass-happy offense will be stuck doing the Lord's work.
4. Tampa Bay (6-10) Signing Kellen Winslow, Jr. automatically enhances a mediocre offense. Too bad the Bucs couldn't fix their defense or secondary.

1. Seattle (11-5) The She-hawks will pound anything in sight... as long as the offense stays healthy.
2. Arizona (10-6)* Lack of a clutch defense, post-Super Bowl hangover will hinder an otherwise talented lineup.
3. San Francisco (5-11) Coach Singletary will push fundamentals and old-school grit on a brash young team, but where's the talent?
4. St. Louis (4-12) There's a glimmer of hope here... in two years. That's not sarcasm; I can see the nucleus of a playoff contender in the baby Rams.

*Wild Card

In all seriousness, here are my straight-up predictions for the 2009 NFL season:
First Head Coach Fired (During Season): Brad Childress, Vikings
First Head Coach Fired (Post-season): Josh McDaniels, Broncos
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Mark Sanchez, Jets
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Tyson Jackson, Chiefs
NFL MVP: Ben Roethlisberger, Steelers
Super Bowl XLIV: Giants 24, Steelers 20

Your thoughts?


  1. I agree with most of what you said, but I think the Packers will do better than 6-10 this year.

    I also don't think that the Seahawks can stay healthy this year, I believe they already have a few injured players. I think the 49ers and the Cardinals will wind up being the teams fighting for the NFC West, but if Seattle can stay healthy they will be good.

  2. That game last night was a complete utter fucking diaster. And the worst thing is, that game was winable!! And now Urlacher is out for the year. Thanks for playing that 1st half healthy, you fucking bum. I always thought he was overrated and didn't deserve that huge contract extension. Fucker.

    Well Joe, your Cardinals really did it, 18 of 21 people in our Pick 'Ems picked them to win yesterday. Few teams make the playoffs when they go 0-1 in Week 1. I wouldn't count on them going back to the Super Bowl, either. As for the Bears, my prediction is now 6-10, and them starting off 0-2.

  3. Apparently I can't spell, either! This Bears team had me the most excited since probably 2001, and now the whole season is shot to hell in one miserable NBC night game. Really? Is this the karma the Bears deserved? We get rid of both our bum quarterbacks, Neckbeard wins and we lose one of our captains against our biggest rival at their horrible stadium and a Pro Bowler QB who has a game from Hell on national television??? What is it some fucking law the Bears are always supposed to have shitty-ass quarterbacks?? Is that the fucking RULE?! It RUINED the Bears season. That's terrible by 9pm I was hoping for hockey season to get started. A fake punt deep in their own territory?? Does that dumbass long snapper not know it's only a 5-yard penalty with too many men on the field, and it was 4th and 7?!! What kind of a dickhead comes up with these things?! Whole coaching staff should be fired. Every fucking one of them.

  4. At this point, I see the Bears starting the year 0-3 but finishing 8-8. I gotta agree with you, Mark; the coaches should definitely take the blame for Sunday night. It's one thing to have a stud quarterback, but another to use him right.

  5. You think they'll finish 8-5? That's a tall order. If ownership wasn't so cheap, they would fire Lovie, especially for (going to) miss the playoffs for a 3rd year in a row. I noticed some diehards keep saying "it's only one game, it's not the season", well they're completely in denial. You lose your best player, and your WR corps is complete and total shit. There easily could had been 7 INTs in that game, maybe even 9. The team is a mess right now and the coaching staff should be held accountable. And it was a loss in Green Bay, the supposed "Lovie guarantee" that they were top priority.

  6. I think that the Cardinals can still win the divison but I don't think they can make the Superbowl again, the only problem I saw was that the O-Line looked like crap, and it looks like the team misses Todd Haley, but the Defense looked great and Warner had a good game after he got back into his grove in the 2nd Quarter.

    I already told you how mad I was about the Bears game, and I agree with most of what Mark said, but I think they can come back. The Packers look good this year to me, but I hope the Bears can come back from that game.

    I was also really impressed by Buffalo last night, they should have won that game against the Patriots, and if that Kick Returner took a knee instead of running out I think they would have been able to run the clock out and win the game.