Stuart Matthew Allard, the First 9,131 Days or So: A Self-Indulgent 25th Birthday Celebration

Last week, in the span of 24 hours I achieved three milestones at TV.com: 25,000 forum posts, 300 forum topics created, and 14,900 approved submissions. Either this cements my status as one of the most prolific contributors in the unofficial nine-year history of the site or makes a statement about my fledging social life, take your pick. On top of that, today's my 25th birthday and we're entering what is considered the "slow" part of the year in terms of current events*. So how should I take advantage of this unusual alignment of stars? Why, some top five lists, of course!

Five Trendy Dog Names That Could Easily Be Confused for Skin Disorders:

1. "Frengle"
2. "Zena"
3. "Taz"
4. "Rosacea"
5. "Spot"

Five Elements on the Periodic Table and Their Long-Hidden Criminal Records:

1. Strontium (held up a White Hen Pantry)
2. Bismuth (37 parking tickets dating back to 1998)
3. Praseodymium (allegedly instigated a Lanthanoid-Actinoid gang war)
4. Ununoctium (two counts of graft, three counts of mail fraud; walked on a technicality)
5. Krypton (no explanation necessary)

Five Unhelpful Sentences Used by Spelling Bee Judges to Derive the Meaning of the Word:

1. "_________ is the word you are trying to spell."
2. "_________ is one of my favorite words."
3. "_________ is a word that will never come out of Spencer Pratt's mouth."
4. "There is a single word that could alter the course of your life, that if spelled correctly will give you the personal validation and respect of your peers that you've been largely denied in your brief lifetime, and if answered incorrectly will not only further your social ostracization but hinder any future human interaction and subject you to a long, miserable life of silent anguish... and that word is _________."
5. "If you don't spell _________, I will lose fifty dollars. Let's be honest- this whole thing is rigged."

My Five Favorite Current Pittsburgh Pirates:

1. That guy
2. The other guy
3. That dude, you know, with the moustache?
4. The bullpen catcher
5. Andrew McCutchen

*Yes, I realize President Obama is backpedaling on universal health care, but there's really nothing I can add to the subject that I didn't already say two weeks ago. Plus, today's my birthday!

The Capricious Card Collector Conundrum

As some of my longtime readers know, I have a large collection of sports cards and memorabilia. One of the more peculiar trends in recent years is the insertion of cards featuring famous non-athletes, stars from unrelated sports, or cards commemorating historical events. Case in point: in any pack of 2009 Upper Deck Heroes football, you are just as likely to pull a Jay Cutler or Ladainian Tomlinson card as you would Thomas Edison or Davy Crockett. In one pack of 2009 Spectrum baseball (another UD brand) that I bought earlier this year, I pulled an authentic Kendra Wilkinson autograph card, made all the more impressive because I had no idea she could read or write. But I digress.

I mention this because Upper Deck is just about to take this fad to a peculiar extreme. This week, the California-based company will release Goodwin Champions, a faux-retro set depicting modern-day players on an obscure 19th-century card design. The prospect of seeing sepia-toned trading cards of Albert Pujols and Derek Jeter is nothing new, if brands like Topps Heritage and the rejuvinated O-Pee-Chee are any indicator. The key issue is what will be inserted in packs of Goodwin. This product will feature an insert set called Landmarks (elements from notable locations, like sand from the Gobi Desert and salt from the Dead Sea, in clear plastic casing), Thoroughbred Haircut cards (swatches of hair from Smarty Jones and Funny Cide, among others), and perhaps most interestingly, cards celebrating the field of entomology featuring actual specimens. Yes folks, dead bugs in a pack of baseball cards. Whoever handles product development at Upper Deck has clearly lost their mind, and we shall suffer for their insanity. For more information, plus a scanned image of a dead bug card, click here.

Other notes:

+ In case you hadn't already heard...

+ I caught a preview of the new NBC comedy "Community," and to be honest it doesn't look half-bad. As much as I enjoyed "My Name Is Earl," the tone of this new show fits better with the remaining Thursday night comedies.

+ As of yesterday, both of my fantasy baseball teams are in fifth place. I'm still debating in my head whether or not to drop Scott Rolen; if all else fails, I'll keep him on my bench until he recovers from "concussion-like symptoms."

+ A woman in New York State became the first American recipient of a wireless pacemaker that will allow her doctor to monitor her heartbeat via the internet. I wonder what would happen if she wandered into a dead zone...

The First 6 1/2 Months

Last week, President Obama held a press conference to announce that ecomonic growth is moving faster than previously expected. While we're not quite out of the recession just yet, it was a minor highlight in what has been an otherwise hit-and-miss first six months for the Obama administration. Though his approval rating might be just below 60%, it's not necessarily nose-diving. While the first 100 days might set the tone for an administration, it's not an indicator of where a president's public support will be in six months, much less a year down the road. (for more number-crunching, check out this article from RealClearPolitics.) Considering my reputation for just-left-of-center political posturing, one might wonder what my thoughts are toward President Obama at this point in time. Well...

With the Dow Jones back in the 9000s and unemployment holding steady --not rising, not shrinking, just there-- it seems that the worst aspects of the recession are behind us. Even so, I'll admit that Obama's $787 billion economic stimulus package is off to a slow start. I guess the confusion begins at the speed of which the money is spent; it'd be foolish to spend it all in the matter of a year, though the rate at which the $787 billion is actually being spent keeps accelerating. I haven't a clue as to how much the economy really has been affected by the stimulus, though if it really is skimming over unrelated policy goals, it won't be the monsterous long-term debt that most conservatives have feared.

On a related note, and I say this with great trepidation, I don't think the president's attempts at health care reform are going to pull through; not because of the expense, but because of Obama's inattentiveness towards the small details. In other words, how universal is universal health care? Will surplus money really go towards lowering the costs of medicine? He's not aggressively pushing the fix, yet strangely reluctant to compromise, which has resulted in bickering between moderate Democrats and the party core. The moderates and conservatives are obstructing reform, and while I don't necessarily blame them, their greatest nitpick seems to be the price tag and not in the outline. Health care reform is not hopeless, though it may appear that way; what isn't repaired now will have ramifications for years to come, no matter how flawed Obama's proposal might be.

Sadly, I can't avoid the subject of race. Before Obama took office, I'd hoped that this topic would be largely avoided, but both sides of the political spectrum keep dragging it out for a debate that nobody wants to join in. The Skip Gates controversy should be water under the bridge by now, and I'm not convinced that Sonia Sotomayor is any more racist than Antonin Scalia. Unfortnately, there's a stereotypical public perception that the majority of America's black population gravitiates towards socialism and that Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are leading the movement. That's pure ignorance for a variety of reasons. One of the smartest things Obama has done, however is keeping Jackson and Sharpton's influence to a minimum; he's still playing to the center and they'd just be far-left deadweight. These three man are community leaders, but they are not the faces of Black America.

A red-blooded conservative will look at this and think I'm an Obama apologist, but I'm not writing this to paint a rosy picture. With power comes responsibility, and responsibility begats risk. That was probably the hardest-fought lesson I learned from the Bush administration, the only difference is Bush seemed far more content working by himself and doing things his way, regardless of what the GOP core had in mind. There's no question that the policies that President Obama has put into effect these past few months have been drastic and polarizing, but I'm still guardedly optimistic that there will be long-term benefits. Rome wasn't built in a day, and America won't be rebuilt overnight.

Other notes:

+ If I still had my black '98 Taurus, I'm pretty sure it'd be eligible for that "cash for clunkers" program.

+ The weekend before last, I completed and passed Improv Level A at Second City. I start Level B this coming Sunday.

+ My Royals did next to nothing at the trade deadline, picking up a utility outfielder from Detroit for cash considerations. I don't think .500 is feasible at this point, but 75 wins is not out of reach.

+ I started up a fantasy football league over at Yahoo just for TV.com members. If you're interested, PM me as soon as possible.

That Wonderful Year in Music... 1994

I promised a different decade, and I give you another decade...

I wonder what can be said about 1994 that hasn't already been recycled, rehashed and stewed into cliche. That it was the year Kurt Cobain --and to some degree, the grunge movement-- entered eternal life? That gangsta rap went mainstream? That emo broke out? When punk made its big comeback after lying low for nearly a decade? That a certain legendary music festival was revisited upon its 25th anniversary, only to be morphed into a highly commercial, money-making opportunity? Whether you look back at 15 years ago with glee or mild misgivings, you can't doubt the quality of music that came out that year.

BEST ALBUMS
1. Grace, Jeff Buckley. In a year that was top-heavy on strong debut efforts and breakthrough CDs, Buckley's first (and sadly, his only proper) disc takes the cake. His cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" is the track everybody remembers, but his textured dabbles in jazz, folk, and alt-rock make Grace a ponderance at what could've been a long and healthy career as the Gen-X Van Morrison.
2. Ill Communication, Beastie Boys. Muscular, vigorous, and perhaps their most introspective piece of work, the Boys' follow-up to Check Your Head follows the same blueprint as its predecessor yet soars a tad higher. Singles like "Sure Shot" and "Root Down" hold their own against funky experimental pieces such as "Flute Loop" and "Bodhisattva Vow."
3. The Holy Bible, Manic Street Preachers. Incidiary for the sake of being incidiary, MSP's third album is their most political, visceral, and focused. Nothing is spared of guitarist Richey James' vitriol, from abortion to anorexia to the perception to the shallowness of American pop culture. Unfortunately, James' rants might've worked too well; shortly after the album's release he suddenly disappeared, either a victim of those he railed against or his myriad personal problems. (The remaining trio soldiers on to this day.)

4. Weezer (aka The Blue Album), Weezer

5. Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain, Pavement

6. Dookie, Green Day

7. Vitalogy, Pearl Jam

8. The Downward Spiral, Nine Inch Nails

9. Superunknown, Soundgarden

10. MTV Unplugged In New York, Nirvana. CD releases of the popular MTV concert series were a dime a dozen in the mid-90s, yet the Seattle trio's 1993 performance is on a completely different wavelength. Emotionally naked and seering, the whole show plays out like Kurt Cobain's farewell message from beyond the grave. It's impossible to listen to the closing cover of Leadbelly's "Where Did You Sleep Last Night?" and not feel haunted.

Honorable Mentions: Bee Thousand, Guided By Voices; Illmatic, Nas; Definitely Maybe, Oasis; Smash, The Offspring.

BEST SINGLES
"You Wreck Me," Tom Petty

"Cornflake Girl," Tori Amos

"What's The Frequency, Kenneth?" R.E.M.

"She Don't Use Jelly," The Flaming Lips

"Seether," Veruca Salt

"I Alone," Live

"Bull in the Heather," Sonic Youth

"Fade Into You," Mazzy Star

"Whatta Man," Salt-N-Pepa

"Nuttin' But Love," Heavy D & The Boyz

BEST VIDEOS
1. "Sabotage," Beastie Boys. Maybe the best music video ever?

2. "Closer," Nine Inch Nails. Very creepy, somewhat disturbing... and kinda hypnotic.

3. "Buddy Holly," Weezer. Innovative usage of digital green-screen technology transplants Rivers Cuomo and company in a typical episode of "Happy Days." Did Spike Jonze have a banner year or what?

4. "Gin n' Juice," Snoop Doggy Dogg. Home Boy Alone!

5. "Basket Case," Green Day. A surreal, color-saturated trip through a mental institution. No need for critical thought here; it's just a fun clip.

Your thoughts?

Bummer in the Summer

As I write this, I'm still reeling from maybe the worst weekend I've ever had. It all started on Saturday morning; at the current radio station that I work it, I handle phones for a call-in nutritional/dietary advice talk show. It has nothing to do with traffic/billing or reception, it's just a little side money. There was an on-air contest for tickets to an air show in Wisconsin, with the 5th, 10th, and 12th callers each receiving prizes. Somewhere in receiving my instructions for the show, I forgot that the host wanted to speak with the winners live on-air. When the winners called in, I jotted down their contact info but I forgot to put them back on hold. The producer called the main studio to inform me of my mistake (the show is produced outside of the station), I had to backpedal and call back the three winners, but at that point there wasn't enough time left in the show to get them on-air. Two days later I was relieved of my duties as phone operator, partially because of my flub, but also because the producer wanted to experiment with an in-house phone guy, thus preventing any future miscommunication.

After work, I had to run some errands. I was driving home, going about 27 in a 25 MPH zone, when all of a sudden a little boy bolted across the street. A family had parked their van across the street from what appeared to be a relative's house. The parents were still standing beside the van with their daughter, and their eldest son was standing on the opposite side of the street. The younger son was running from the van towards his big brother. The little kid didn't look both ways and tried to gun it. Luckily for both of us, I hit the brakes just in time, the boy took two steps back, than waited to cross after I drove past the van. If I hit the brakes two seconds later, I likely would've committed vehicular manslaughter.

Of course, those two missteps don't compare to the bombshell I received Sunday afternoon. I was at Chicago Union Station after class at SC, and I had some time to kill, so decided to check my Facebook news feed with my cell phone. As I scanned down the status updates, I saw that my girlfriend from three years ago posted "I'm engaged to the most amazing man in the world!!!!!!!" Apparently, her current boyfriend popped the question on a cruise ship on Saturday night. Suffice to say, I was speechless. First off, she's only been with her new fiancee for about four months; we dated for seven. Secondly, who goes online on a cruise ship? Thirdly, why did I have to find out about this on fucking Facebook? Couldn't she have waited to break the news once she was back on American soil? (Don't worry folks, I'm about 95% sure she never reads this blog.) For the last two days, I've been venting to anyone that will listen. Without getting too personal, I really don't know how to react or what to say about the whole situation, and I'm having a hard time not thinking about it.

Other notes:

+ Looking at my Emmy predictions from three months ago, I'm surprised that the powers that be made more daring selections than I did. Of course, I also stuck with the old five-nominees per category rule (the maximum is now six, unless there's a tie for the final spot). For every force-of-habit, questionably deserving nomination like Tony Shalhoub, there's a pleasant surprise like "Flight of the Conchords" (who were on my 2008 ballot). My biggest gripe, obviously would be the selection of "Family Guy" for best comedy series. As I explained in the FG forum at TV.com, I find it mystifying that the committee chose an animated series that has broken little new ground and might very well be past its prime, yet "The Simpsons," the show that paved the way for TV-14 toons like FG, has never been nominated in this category.

+ For what seems like the sixth time in the past year, the title of World's Oldest Man has been passed to the next-oldest person. Boy, it must be jinxed or something. But seriously, this time around it's a 112-year-old resident of Montana, and according to an AP article he was born in 1896 and cast his first presidential ballot for Woodrow Wilson. (The legal voting age was 21 in 1916, so that's a nitpick.)

+ Finally- if anybody's looking for all my old blogs, they're archived at most of the other CNet sites (Gamespot, MovieTome, and the soon-to-be-vanquished mp3.com). Just so you know.

Prince Albert in a Can: My Midseason Baseball Breakdown

It's been almost a week since the TV.com blog bug started, and since I don't know if and when I can post new blogs on the site, this week's missive will be posted exclusively on this site. If anything has come from the inexplicible disappearance of 175-plus blogs, I've noticed that my stance on the political spectrum has inched a lot closer to the center, at least compared to my rant in WU #38. Was "Quailgate" really that big a deal? That rant is so underinformed it's almost embarassing, though my heart was certainly in the right place.

Today's the All-Star Game, so clearly I have baseball on the mind. Here's some stray observations on the season so far and what's coming ahead:

+ Looking at my preseason predictions, I was either right on the money on some team's forecasts or dead, dead wrong on others. My thoughts on the AL West are eerily accurate, though my AL Central picks are a mess. When I said Washington would win 65 games, I didn't think I was being generous; right now they're easily the worst team in baseball and to avoid 110 losses would be an uphill battle. I took a risk picking San Francisco to win the NL West, and now they're my undisputed choice for the NL Wild Card. Bruce Bochy is a far greater manager than he's credited for. The so-called experts goofed us into thinking there would be a Rays-Cubs World Series, but I was only half-fooled.

+ If Albert Pujols retired tomorrow he'd still be a hall of famer. An article in this week's Sports Illustrated suggests that Prince Albert might have the best first 8 1/2 seasons of any player in major league history, and I can't disagree with that statement. He hit the ground running when he made the bigs in 2001, and outside of one or two minor hiccups Pujols just hasn't relented. In his worst offensive season so far (2002), Pujols batted a pathetic .314 with a measly 34 home runs and a paltry 127 RBI. At his current pace, #5 will smack 57 homers and 154 ribbies to accompany his .330-plus average. Plus, if it's worth noting, he hasn't had a single steroid allegation. Albert Pujols is not only my NL MVP for 2009, but probably 2010 as well.

+ I was down in Bloomington-Normal last weekend, so I didn't hear about Jonathan Sanchez' no-hitter until the morning after, when I read it on the ESPNews scroll on the bottom of the screen. Worse yet, I didn't see the highlights until early Monday evening. I really get a kick out of a dominant pitching performance, especially since the MLB is still recovering from its post-steroid hangover, so it looks like I missed a really fun ballgame. Than again, Chicagoans couldn't care less about west coast night games unless one of the local teams are involved.

+ I predict Zach Greinke will win 22 games... and the Royals will lose 95. On that note, Zach Greinke will win the AL Cy Young Award and the Royals will have the fourth or fifth pick in the 2010 MLB Draft. If we gave the poor guy any defense in the infield, he'd still have an ERA below two.

+ Since Wieters and Andy Mac haven't made an immediate impact, I'm changing my Rookie of the Year picks to Gordon Beckham and Colby Rasmus. Both guys are playing like they were ready-made for the bigs, with plenty of upside to boot, and I'll let the stats speak for themselves.

+ As for my latest World Series prediction, I see the Dodgers cutting down the Red Sox in 6 games. If the National League could be summed up like outdated college student stereotypes, Los Angeles is the BMOC, the undisputed golden boy with his finger wrapped around the whole campus. (In turn, the Chicago Cubs are that solid-B student that spends all his free time playing World of Warcraft.) Boston probably has the more talented roster, but the Dodgers keep squeezing out wins in spite of injuries (Will Ohman), suspensions (Manny), and prolonged batting slumps (Russ Martin).

Your thoughts?