Through a Freshman's Eyes: "Pineapple Express" Edition

Graduation season has come and gone? This year has been a blur of sorts. 

I don't write this every year to make anyone feel old. This is a somewhat arbitrary, sideways perspective thing. I was randomly reminded during this process that most of this year's high school seniors weren't born yet when I graduated college (December 2007, FWIW) so if anything, I feel the shifting sands of time. I've been substitute teaching for 18 years; someone born the day I ran up the stairs at Glenbard West High School will start college this August. 

With that said, if you graduated high school in the last few weeks...

...you don't remember a WGA strike over DVD residuals or Conan O'Brien's first attempt at growing a beard.

...Rudy Giuliani never ran for president. 

...Sarah Palin has always been a nationally known political figure.

...DNA tests have always been available over the counter.

...Hulu, Google Play and Android phones have always existed, and Tesla has always built electric cars.

...you've never rented a DVD at Hollywood Video. 

...no NFL team has ever won 16 games in the regular season.

...you have never seen a Seattle Sonics game. 

...the Detroit Red Wings have never won a Stanley Cup. 

...Jonathan Papelbon never danced in his underwear on a baseball field.

...Luciano Pavarotti, J. Walter Weatherman, Jane Wyman, Joe Zawinul, Brett Somers, Bill Wirtz, Lois Maxwell, Deborah Kerr, Robert Goulet, Joey Bishop, The Fabulous Moolah, Evel Knievel, Ira Levin, Sean Taylor, Verity Lambert, Kevin "Lips" Dubrow, Benazir Bhutto, Oscar Peterson, Ike Turner, Dan Fogelberg, Heath Ledger, Brad Renfro, Suzanne Pleshette, Sir Edmund Hillary, Johnny Podres, Roy Scheider, Barry Morse, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, Buddy Miles, Teo Macero, William F. Buckley Jr, Arthur C. Clarke, Gary Gygax, Paul Scofield, Paul Aspinall, Richard Widmark, Charlton Heston, Danny Federici, Al Wilson, Esbjörn Svensson, Dick Martin, Sydney Pollack, Harvey Korman, Bo Diddley, George Carlin, Yves Saint Laurent, Cyd Charisse, Estelle Getty, Sen. Jesse Helms, Larry Harmon, Bernie Mac, Bernie Brillstein, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, Isaac Hayes, Jerry Wexler, and LeRoi Moore have always been dead. 

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(Almost) Summertime Sadness

Happy Memorial Day. I've been trying to post twice a month, though lately it's been easier said than done. Inflation has caught up to me as well, and I'm essentially working three jobs. The school year wraps in a few days, so I'm seeking out summer temp/seasonal work. I don't know if Lyft will sustain me for the summer, so any leads in the Chicago area are welcome. 

This has been a particularly challenging year as a substitute teacher. The junior high where I work most has seen behavior issues increase tenfold. (Naturally, I'm getting the brunt of their antics.) My teacher friends and the school admins are doing their best, but it seems like whatever they're doing isn't working. I almost have to fault the parents; they've had sit-downs with the principal and assistant principal, and either everything is going in one ear and out the other, or these parents are just feckless.

In world news: the Iran war that President Trump says we won handily now drags into a fourth month. The Russian "annexation" of Ukraine that was supposed to take three days is comfortably in year five. The Epstein files still haven't been fully unredacted. My friends and acquaintances at "Late Show with Stephen Colbert" are glancing at LinkedIn and CareerBuilder, just like me. 

If I've been dwelling on a particular news topic, it's the GOP's attempt to tip the scales in the 2026 midterms. Trump's approval ratings are in the toilet, and in any other circumstance, Republicans would lose their footing in the House and Senate. Alas, they're up to old tricks. Gerrymandering --or as one savvy person on social media called it, whitemaxxing-- was reinforced in several states by a recent Supreme Court decision. By arguing that districts can't be realigned largely by race, Louisiana v. Callais defanged a key part of the Civil Rights Act. Democrats still have a narrow advantage come November, but the uphill battle just got steeper. 

Next week: the annual mindset list.

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Random Notes, April 2026

There's so much that's happened in the first third of the year that I've barely discussed here:

+ Impeachment is still wishful thinking. We've done this twice before in the last decade and it didn't work. Someone in Congress can write articles, but it'll go nowhere. Trump has too many loyalists and bootlickers. Assuming voter rights aren't completely gutted by November, the best short-term option is a blue wave in the midterm elections in six months. 

+ I'm not buying into conspiracy theories about the latest assassination attempt --yes, his third in less than two years-- because there's too many holes in the logic. It also only serves to embolden both brainwashed Trump supporters and right-wing conspiracy theories against his critics. 

+ I feel like I'm making a down payment on unleaded now. These gas prices are absurd. 

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Writer's Blocked

 What's going on? I mean, besides all the dumb stuff? Plenty:

I'm still having battles with Meta over Stu News; Meta really likes to parse when it comes to promoting. There's an exemption for politics and civics, but it applies to candidates, non-profits, and action groups, and not comedy or satire. I've been able to promote content, but I can't use a sitting politician's name or mention specific political parties. Typing "T***p" or "B***n" dulls the edge, so to speak. This annoying crap has been going on for a few years.

Two weeks ago, however I found this new red flag. FB won't suggest Stu News to friends of friends anymore because of my content. I've been mistaken for a bot (here and IRL) before, I understand that. In nearly 13 years, those "other sensitive subjects" have become Stu News' bread and butter. I'm not interpreting this as censorship so much as AI-fueled gatekeeping. 

If this limits my page's reach long- or short-term, I'm at peace with that. I'll still be posting new jokes and fresh "reports" six days a week. That's where you come in, friend; Stu News has over 2,800 followers largely by word of mouth, and I hope that you continue to read and share the content I post. If you're weening yourself off FB, I'm also on Twitter/X, Threads, and BlueSky; just look up the #StuNews hashtag. I also set up a Patreon to help pay for some of that promotion overhead. What started as an opportunity to potentially land a comedy writing gig morphed into something else entirely, and I hope it's one of the reasons you're still on this flawed site.

Meanwhile, one of my best friends had a baby! Congrats to Dan and his wife on their son, born March 2nd. That also means Flower Shop Bangers is still, still on hiatus. If you're a comedy friend reading this, I'm still seeking out a collaborator; I had a couple projects in the last year that were dead-ends.

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30 Teams, 30 Haiku: My 2026 Baseball Preview

Yes, I know the Giants-Yankees game on Netflix was Wednesday night. For most baseball enthusiasts, the real Opening Day is Thursday, and as always I come prepared with 510 syllables of prognostication. (Asterisks note wild cards)


AL EAST

1. Yankees: Bevy of pitching/prospects; now back home, will we/watch Judge choke again?

2. Blue Jays*: Even without Bo/new winning culture accrues/with the exchange rate.

3. Red Sox: Haphazard roster/oddly built; give Breslow a/Lego set, pronto!

4. Orioles: Too many prospects/rushed up; new bats compensate/for lack of an ace.

5. Rays: Too good for last; rash/of injuries gives deep farm/system a long look.



AL CENTRAL

1. Tigers: Justin's victory/lap hopes to curb another/September collapse.

2. Royals*: Jac, one of a kind/Playoff return in the cards/with Ragans bounce-back.

3. Guardians: Status quo is not/enough; can grit and moxie/hide lack of power?

4. Twins: Fire sale, Buxton/remains; these pesky unknowns/might play spoiler.

5. White Sox: Fun, young energy/party like it's 99/...losses, minimum.



AL WEST

1. Mariners: No sea legs here; tight/young core floats way beyond this/ho-hum division.

2. Astros*: Formidable bats/...on paper; Hunter Brown will/fish for run support.

3. Rangers: Too injury-prone/to predict; Langford, lone star/to play every day.

4. Athletics: Feisty young bats rake/but with soft arms, 85/high-scoring losses.

5. Angels: Yikes! Manoah and/Greyson are their aces? Trout/further goes to waste.



NL EAST

1. Mets: Stearns' shake-up must pay/off late in the year; prospects/won't be Benge-warmers.

2. Phillies*: New Wheeze Kids? Aging/core still has fight; Bryson Stott/due for a breakthrough.

3. Braves*: Dark horse, if healthy/a full year of Acuna/is wishful thinking.

4. Marlins: Infield defense, sole/saving grace; Morel at first/a curious move.

5. Nationals: Youth is served, on and/off the field; middle relief/will get a workout.



NL CENTRAL

1. Cubs: Bregman doesn't miss/the playoffs; deep roster will/ensure streak goes on.

2. Brewers: Low-budget wonders/elite bullpen's ground ball rate/is a saving grace.

3. Reds: Over .500/if young bats support Suarez/and Greene is healthy.

4. Pirates: Konnor at short, long/on potential; can new bats/placate wary Skenes?

5. Cardinals: Whether Wetherholt/produces, Redbird rebuild/is now in full swing.



NL WEST

1. Dodgers: Sets cash ablaze like/a Socal wildfire/shrewd anti-heroes.

2. Padres*: A healthy Merrill/and nasty bullpen enough/to beat LA? Eh...

3. Giants: Vitello, the old/college try; "huge" risks must pay/off at Oracle.

4. D-Backs: Ketel, not traded/another playoff near-miss/looms if pitching wilts.

5. Rockies: Purple punching bag/Goodman anchors bad lineup/and worse rotation.




AL MVP: Cal Raleigh, Mariners

NL MVP: Shohei Ohtani, Dodgers

AL Cy Young: Tarik Skubal, Tigers

NL Cy Young: Paul Skenes, Pirates

AL ROY: Kevin McGonigle, Tigers

NL ROY: Nolan McLean, Mets

First Manager Fired: Mark Kotsay, A's

2026 World Series: Dodgers over Tigers in 5


Thoughts?

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Observing the Chaos

Is anyone running anything anymore? Is this what the Articles of Confederation was like? I can't remember living in a time when the US government was this ineffective and ambivalent about citizens' needs. Anyway, I have varying thoughts:

I doubt I'm the only person getting multiple emails from progressive PACs and Democratic candidates. The Democratic party is far more dependent on grass-roots donations than the comparatively wealthy GOP. If people can afford only basic essentials (if that) then they can't donate to Democrats, and the GOP is largely to blame for maintaining inflation. I'd throw whatever I'd have at the Dems if they had a clear agenda, too.

With that said, Trump is so unpopular right now that Gallup Poll has stopped keeping track. His approval rating is so low, his most ardent supporters can count with their remaining toes. His State of the Union had to be flawless, but instead it was the usual boasting and rambling. And then, like a wannabe Ottoman sultan, he and his penchant for gold decorations went to war with Persia. Nothing to see here.

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