Through a Freshman's Eyes: "Pineapple Express" Edition

Graduation season has come and gone? This year has been a blur of sorts. 

I don't write this every year to make anyone feel old. This is a somewhat arbitrary, sideways perspective thing. I was randomly reminded during this process that most of this year's high school seniors weren't born yet when I graduated college (December 2007, FWIW) so if anything, I feel the shifting sands of time. I've been substitute teaching for 18 years; someone born the day I ran up the stairs at Glenbard West High School will start college this August. 

With that said, if you graduated high school in the last few weeks...

...you don't remember a WGA strike over DVD residuals or Conan O'Brien's first attempt at growing a beard.

...Rudy Giuliani never ran for president. 

...Sarah Palin has always been a nationally known political figure.

...DNA tests have always been available over the counter.

...Hulu, Google Play and Android phones have always existed, and Tesla has always built electric cars.

...you've never rented a DVD at Hollywood Video. 

...no NFL team has ever won 16 games in the regular season.

...you have never seen a Seattle Sonics game. 

...the Detroit Red Wings have never won a Stanley Cup. 

...Jonathan Papelbon never danced in his underwear on a baseball field.

...Luciano Pavarotti, J. Walter Weatherman, Jane Wyman, Joe Zawinul, Brett Somers, Bill Wirtz, Lois Maxwell, Deborah Kerr, Robert Goulet, Joey Bishop, The Fabulous Moolah, Evel Knievel, Ira Levin, Sean Taylor, Verity Lambert, Kevin "Lips" Dubrow, Benazir Bhutto, Oscar Peterson, Ike Turner, Dan Fogelberg, Heath Ledger, Brad Renfro, Suzanne Pleshette, Sir Edmund Hillary, Johnny Podres, Roy Scheider, Barry Morse, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, Buddy Miles, Teo Macero, William F. Buckley Jr, Arthur C. Clarke, Gary Gygax, Paul Scofield, Paul Aspinall, Richard Widmark, Charlton Heston, Danny Federici, Al Wilson, Esbjörn Svensson, Dick Martin, Sydney Pollack, Harvey Korman, Bo Diddley, George Carlin, Yves Saint Laurent, Cyd Charisse, Estelle Getty, Sen. Jesse Helms, Larry Harmon, Bernie Mac, Bernie Brillstein, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, Isaac Hayes, Jerry Wexler, and LeRoi Moore have always been dead. 

(770)

Through a Freshman's Eyes: "Superbad" Edition

Depending upon where you are in the United States, high school graduation was somewhere between the middle of last month and this week. Most of this year's graduates were (if you can stomach this) born between late 2006 and mid-2007. Keeping a tradition that started as a ripoff of Beloit College's old Mindset List, I try to offer a glimpse into the perspective of someone who was born my senior year at Illinois State. Take a deep breath and enjoy!

If you graduated high school this year...

...it has always been possible for a woman to be US Speaker of the House.

...Pluto has always been defined as a dwarf planet.

...you've never known a world without the iPhone, Apple TV, Hulu, SoundCloud, or Amazon Kindle. 

...you've never played with a Nintendo GameCube.

...Martin Scorsese's name has always been preceded by "Academy Award winner."

...you've always associated Seth Meyers with telling topical jokes, not sketch comedy.

...the Kardashian family have always had a TV show.

...people have always been debating the "Sopranos" finale.

...Britney Spears has always been associated with mental health issues and conservatorship.

...Michael Vick has always been associated with animal abuse.

...Barry Bonds has always been baseball's all-time home run king.

...Kevin Durant has always played in the NBA.

...Patrick Kane has always played in the NHL.

...Steve Irwin, Pat Corley, Ann Richards, Boz Burrell, Buck O'Neil, Carlo Acutis, Cory Lidle, Johnny Callison, Freddy Fender, Jane Wyatt, Sandy West, Joe Niekro, Red Auerbach, Johnny Sain, Ed Bradley, Milton Friedman, Bo Schembechler, Robert Altman, Anita O'Day, Emmett Kelly Jr, Jose Uribe, Peter Boyle, Lamar Hunt, Ahmet Ertegun, the son from "The Jeffersons," Joseph Barbera, James Brown, Gerald Ford, Darrent Williams, Harry Horse, Carlo Ponti, Alice Coltrane, Ron Carey, Art Buchwald, Bam Bam Bigelow, Denny Doherty, Vern Ruhle, Lorne "Gump" Worsley, Bob Carroll Jr, Barbaro, Sidney Sheldon, Molly Ivins, Anna Nicole Smith, Hank Bauer, Peggy Gilbert, Dennis Johnson, Lamar Lundy, John Inman, Brad Delp, Richard Jeni, Bowie Kuhn, Larry "Bud" Melman, Coach Eddie Robinson, Darryl Stingley, Johnny Hart, Barry Nelson, Roscoe Lee Browne, Kurt Vonnegut, Don Ho, Kitty Carlisle, Donald E. Stephens, David Halberstam, Boris Yeltsin, Jack Valenti, Tom Poston, Jerry Falwell, Charles Nelson Reilly, Clete Boyer, Bill France Jr, Don Herbert, Kurt Waldheim, Rod Beck, Chris Benoit, Liz Claiborne, Beverly Sills, Boots Randolph, Johnny Frigo, Charles Lane, Lady Bird Johnson, Tammy Faye Bakker, Mike Coolbaugh, Tom Snyder, Ingmar Bergman, Bill Walsh, Clarence "Tex" Walker, Merv Griffin, Brooke Astor, Phil "Scooter" Rizzuto, Max Roach, and Richard Jewell have always been dead.

Next time: my (proper) 20th anniversary post.

(751)

Through a Freshman's Eyes: "Snakes on a Plane" Edition

 It's graduation season yet again. Another batch of high school seniors have achieved the minimum requirement of being a U.S. representative from Colorado. All joking aside, it's time for my annual "mindset list," as Beloit College used to publish every summer. This year's high school grads and incoming college kids were mostly born between late 2005 and mid-2006, and I try to explore their viewpoint of the world so far in their young lives.

With that said, if you are matriculating this year...

...New Orleans has never flooded.

...it has always been possible for a woman to be Chancellor of Germany. 

...Vicente Fox was never President of Mexico.

...the Vice President of the United States never shot a guy in the face.

...you've never shopped at Marshall Field's.

...you never found a severed finger in your Wendy's chili.

...it has always been possible to get a face transplant.

...Twitter (or X) has always existed.

...the Playstation 3 has always existed.

...Google has always owned YouTube.

..."sexting" has always been a thing.

...the Chicago White Sox have never won, or played in, a World Series.

...everyone knows Magnolia Cupcakes are crazy delicious. 

...you might run into Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph on a campus visit.*

...TV Guide has always been standard magazine size and never had local listings.

...you might also run into a girl who claims Enrique Iglesias is her nephew.

...Britney Spears and Kevin Federline were never married.

...Bob Denver, Justice William Rehnquist, Clarence "Gatemouth" Brown, Robert Wise, Sid Luft, Donn Clendenon, Simon Wiesenthal, Don Adams, Hamilton Camp, Nipsey Russell, August Wilson, Charles Rocket, Rosa Parks, Geoffrey Keen, Link Wray, Eddie Guerrero, Pat Morita, Vic Power, Richard Pryor, Eugene McCarthy, Michael Vale, Vincent Schiavelli, Patrick "Blue" Cranshaw, Lou Rawls, Jim Zulevic, Shelley Winters, Wilson Pickett, Chris Penn, Coretta Scott King, Wendy Wasserstein, Moira Shearer, Grandpa Al Lewis, Betty Friedan, Franklin Cover, Elton Dean, Peter Benchley, Ray Barretto, Harold Hunter, Curt Gowdy, Don Knotts, Dennis Weaver, Darrin McGavin, Harry Browne, Jack Wild, Kirby Puckett, Dana Reeve, Gordon Parks, John Profumo, Boom Boom Geoffrion, Slobodan Milošević, Maureen Stapleton, Oleg Cassini, Ray Meyer, Buck Owens, Jackie McLean, Gene Pitney, Proof, Muriel Spark, Steve Howe, John Kenneth Galbraith, Louis Rukeyser, Floyd Patterson, Jim Lemon, Lloyd Bentsen, Desmond Dekker, Craig "Ironhead" Heyward, Billy Preston, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the dog from "Frasier," Randy Walker, Kenneth Lay, Syd Barrett, June Allyson, Red Buttons, Mickey Spillane, Jack Warden, and Carl Brashear have always been dead.

*both had babies in Fall 2005

(731)

Through a Freshman's Eyes: "Batman Begins" Edition

When I heard my Blackhawks had won the NFL Draft lottery, I was briefly taken aback when I learned the crown jewel of this year's class, Connor Bedard, was born in July 2005. It also means this year’s high school graduates and incoming college freshmen weren’t alive to see the first half of the 2000s. It’s hard to fathom that someone born five years after Y2K can now play Lotto or enlist in the military. 

With that said, if you are graduating, or have graduated, high school this month…

…Gmail and YouTube have always existed.

…King Charles III has always been married to Camilla.

…Prince Harry has never done Nazi cosplay.

…there has never been sectarian violence in Ireland.

…you always knew W. Mark Felt was Deep Throat. 

…you’ve never seen any Ukrainians wear orange.

…it has always been possible to clone dogs.

…Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, and Peter Jennings have never anchored a network news broadcast.

…Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were never married.

…Pink Floyd has never played live.

…Rich Hill has always played baseball.

…you have never attended a Montreal Expos baseball game.

…the New York Yankees have never blown a 3-0 series lead in the ALCS.

…there has never been an ugly lockout that wiped out an entire season of the NHL.

…you don’t know what the phrase “malice at the palace” has to do with basketball.

…”The Office” and “Avatar: The Last Airbender” have always been on TV.

…”Family Guy” was never canceled and “Doctor Who” has never been off the air.

…Johnny Ramone, Russ Meyer, Scott Muni, Richard Avedon, Joyce Jillson, Rodney Dangerfield, Janet Leigh, Ken Caminiti, Christopher Reeve, Pierre Salinger, Ray Boone, Anthony Hecht, Steig Larsson, Yassir Arafat, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Cy Coleman, Ed Paschke, Dimebag Darrell, Johnny Oates, Jerry Orbach, Will Eisner, Virginia Mayo, Johnny Carson, Vicky LaMotta, John Vernon, Max Schmeling, Ossie Davis, Arthur Miller, Dick Weber, John Raitt, Hunter S. Thompson, John DeLorean, Barney Martin, Johnnie Cochran, Mitch Hedberg, Frank Perdue, Terry Schiavo, Pope John Paul II, Saul Bellow, Dale Messick, Debralee Scott, Prince Rainier III, Percy Heath, Herb Sargent, animator Joe Grant, Thurl Ravenscroft, Eddie Albert, Oscar Brown Jr., George Mikan, Anne Bancroft, Lane Smith, Paul Winchell, Shelby Foote, Luther Vandross, Admiral James Stockdale, James “Scotty” Doohan, Hildegarde, Ted “Double Duty” Radcliffe, and Robert Moog have always been dead.

If I allegedly missed anything, here’s last year’s list.

(713)

Through a Freshman's Eyes: Abu Ghraib Edition

Graduation season is here. It's also time to realize that most of this year's high school graduates were born in late 2003 and early 2004, and their perspective of the world is just a tad different than anyone born in the 20th century. These incoming college freshmen have a curious perspective.

With that said, if you graduated high school this year...

...China has always been in space.

...privately funded spaceplanes have always been in orbit.

...Latvia has always been in the EU and NATO.

...Elon Musk has always run Tesla.

...same-sex marriages have always been legal in California and Massachusetts.

...Donald Trump has always been associated with a reality TV series.

...Barack Obama has always been a national figure.

...Facebook and 4Chan have always existed.

..."Friends," "Frasier," and "Sex & The City" has always been in repeats.

...Ken Jennings has always been associated with "Jeopardy!"

...Janet Jackson has always been associated with indecent exposure and "wardrobe malfunctions."

...Arnold Schwarzenegger has always been known as "The Governator."

...Howard Dean has always been associated with screaming.

...Kenan Thompson has always been on SNL.

...Craig Kilborn has never hosted a talk show.

...Casey Kasem has never hosted a radio show.

...you might be graduating with a set of sextuplets. 

...LeBron James and Carmelo Anthony have always been in the NBA, and Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal have never been teammates.

...Marc-Andre Fleury, Patrice Bergeron, Brent Burns, and Dustin Brown have always been in the NHL.

...Tom Brady has always had multiple Super Bowl rings (and has always been in the NFL).

...you might run into David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, *and* Jon Stewart on a college campus visit (all had babies in Fall 2003).

...Warren Zevon, Johnny Cash, John Ritter, Gordon Jump, Robert Palmer, Donald O'Connor, Althea Gibson, Elia Kazan, Robert Kardashian, Timothy "Grizzly Man" Treadwell, Elliot Smith, Rod Roddy, Bobby Hatfield, Art Carney, Jonathan Brandis, Warren Spahn, Alan Bates, Uta Hagen, Ann Miller, Helmut Newton, Leonidas, Mercedes McCambridge, Paul Winfield, Peter Ustinov, Alistair Cooke, Pat Tillman, Estee Lauder, Tony Randall, Elvin Jones, Ronald Reagan, Ray Charles, Marlon Brando, Isabel Sanford, Francis Crick, Henri Cartier-Bresson, Rick James, Fay Wray, Julia Child, Elmer Bernstein, and Laura Branigan always been dead. 

(693)

Through a Freshman's Eyes, WMD Edition

Welcome to the second COVID graduation season! The class of 2021 spent a whopping one-third of their high school careers either on Zoom or doing hybrid learning, unthinkable technology 18 short years ago. They were born a year or so after the 9/11 attacks, when the US was fighting one ground war and about to start another. Like the class of '20 before them, their entire lives have been witness to all the trials and tribulations of the 21st century.

Since I wrote last year's list, the Beloit College/Marist College mindset list was adjusted for a more realistic approach to how this year's incoming college freshmen will see the world. I will continue undaunted to write mine the traditional way. 

With that said, if you graduated high school this year...

...Saddam Hussein has never been President of Iraq.

...Tayyip Erdogan has always been leader of Turkey.

...it has always been possible for the US to start a war under questionable circumstances.

...Slovakia has always been part of the European Union.

...a NASA manned space shuttle has never exploded.

...Beyonce has always been best known as a solo artist.

...your mental image of Johnny Depp has always been of an eccentric pirate.

...there has always been Wifi in space (and on Earth, I guess).

...MySpace has always been around, even though you barely remember when it was relevant.

...cell phones have always had cameras.

...Toyota has always made hybrid automobiles.

...there has never been any noteworthy national landmarks in New Hampshire.

...the Oakland (now Las Vegas) Raiders have never played in a Super Bowl.

...there have always been 32 teams and eight four-team divisions in the NFL.

...Josh McCown has always played in the NFL.

...Udonis Haslem has always been in the NBA (yes, really).

...Michael Jordan has never been in the NBA.

...Jimmy Kimmel has always hosted a talk show on ABC.

...Bill Maher has always hosted a talk show on HBO.

...Simon Cowell has always been a judge on an American reality competition show.

...Kenan Thompson has always been a cast member on Saturday Night Live.

...Bob Hope, Mister Rogers, Katherine Hepburn, Johnny Unitas, Kim Hunter, Bruce Paltrow, Aileen Wuornos, Teresa Graves, Ray Conniff, Stephen Ambrose, Sir Richard Harris, Tom Dowd, Jam Master Jay, James Coburn, Billie Bird, Roone Arledge, Lucy Grealy, Joe Strummer, Herb Ritts, George Roy Hill, Sydney Omarr, Maurice Pialat, Maurice Gibb, Richard Crenna, Al Hirschfeld, Bill Mauldin, Nell Carter, Lana Clarkson, Dolly the cloned sheep, Sis Daley, Howie Epstein, Horst Buchholz, Michael Jeter, Edwin Starr, Little Eva, Nina Simone, "Miss Elizabeth" Hulette, Noel Redding, Dave DeBusschere, Robert Stack, Sloan Wilson, Mickie Most, Freddie Blassie, David Brinkley, Gregory Peck, Hume Cronyn, Asa Baber, Larry Doby, Roger Neilson, Leon Uris, Lester Maddox, Strom Thurmond, Joan Lowery Nixon, Buddy Hackett, Herbie Mann, Barry White, Buddy Ebsen, Celia Cruz, Uday Hussein, Qusay Hussein, Gregory Hines, Herb Brooks, Idi Amin, and Charles Bronson have always been dead.

(677)

Through a Freshman's Eyes, War on Terror Edition

Better late than never, I give you my annual mindset list. In a way, the lives of this year's high school seniors so far have been bookended by tragedy. They were born in the wake of the 9/11 attacks, and are now matriculating during an out of control pandemic. Their entire lives, all 18 years or so, have been surrounded by some level of uncertainty, and above all I'm sorry your final semester of high school didn't go according to plan.

If you are a graduating senior...

...September 11th has always been a national holiday.
...we have always been at war with Afghanistan.
...Iraq, Iran, and North Korea have always been referred to as the "Axis of Evil."
...Enron has always been insolvent.
...Andrea Yates has always been in prison.
...eBay has always owned Paypal.
...Google has always had an image search option.
...you have never seen, used, or heard of a beeper.
...Halle Berry's name has always been preceeded by "Academy Award Winner."
...Jimmy Carter is better known as a Nobel Peace Prize winner than as a politician.
...people have always complained that there are too many reality shows on TV.
...Fox News Channel has always been the #1 cable news network.
...all cable news channels have always had a news scroll on the bottom of the screen.
...Adult Swim has always aired after dark on Cartoon Network.
...the only time you've seen Will Ferrell on SNL was on some old DVD.
...there has never been an NBA team in Vancouver, British Columbia.
...the New England Patriots have always been a Super Bowl contender.
...the Houston Texans have always been in the NFL, and there have always been eight four-team divisions.
...George Harrison, Nigel Hawthorne, Dorothy McGuire, Issac Stern, Ken Kesey, Foster Brooks, Troy Donahue, Lance Loud, Dick Schaap, Avery Schreiber, Dave Thomas from Wendy's, Michael Bilandic, Peggy Lee, Night Train Lane, Daniel Pearl, Waylon Jennings, Princess Margaret, The Queen Mother, Lawrence Tierney, Chuck Jones, Spike Milligan, Robert Urich, Billy Wilder, Milton Berle, Dudley Moore, Justice Byron White, Left Eye Lopes, Seattle Slew, Dave Berg, Stephen Jay Gould, Sam Snead, John Gotti, Jack Buck, Darryl Kile, Ann Landers, John Entwistle, Pete Grey, Ted Williams, Rod Steiger, Alan Lomax, Leo McKern, Chaim Potok, Chick Hearn, Hoyt Wilhelm, Rosemary Clooney, and Lionel Hampton have always been dead.

For reference here's last year's list.

Next Week: back to topical commentary. I fully acknowledge that a lot has happened, and I'm still processing my thoughts.

(650)

Through a Freshman's Eyes: Post-Millennium Edition

Another graduation season is upon us. Its another reminder that time is a gradually moving circle, and that inch by inch we're all getting a little older. I remind you of this because this year's high school class was the first born entirely in the 21st century. Their entire lives have been, technically, "the future." Without further navel-gazing, I present my annual mindset list.

If you are a graduating senior...

...you have only a vague memory of a Clinton in the White House.
...you have only a vague memory of the World Trade Center.
...it's commonplace to complain that the President of the United States spends too much time on vacation.
...it has always been possible for the results of a presidential election to be disputed.
...you've always assumed that politicians in Washington sleep with interns on the regular.
...there has always been Wikipedia.
...Google has always been the dominant search engine.
...you were born *just* before Nuvaring was patented.
...Robert Hanssen has always been in prison.
...it has always been possible for a non-astronaut to "visit" space.
...your first memory of watching Weekend Update on SNL was with Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon.
...no MLB team has ever won the World Series in consecutive years.
...there have always been at least 30 teams in the NHL.
...Albert Pujols has always played in the majors.
...Jamal Crawford has always played in the NBA.
...Tom Brady has always been the Patriots' starting quarterback.
...Pierre Trudeau, Richard Mulligan, Steve Allen, Richard Farnsworth, Ben Orr of The Cars, Gwen Verdon, Hosea Williams, Gwendolyn Brooks, Werner Klemperer, Kirsty MacColl, Pops Staples, Jason Robards, Victor Borge, Ray Walston, Dale Earnhardt Sr., Morton Downey Jr., Robert Ludlum, Joey Ramone, Douglas Adams, Perry Como, Imogene Coca, Anthony Quinn, Carroll O'Connor, Timothy McVeigh, John Lee Hooker, Jack Lemmon, Korey Stringer, Lorenzo "Garfield" Music, Aaliyah, and Chandra Levy have always been dead.

(624)

Through a Freshman's Eyes... 15 Years Ago

Every May, with the onset of high school graduation, I post my own personal version of Beloit College's famed "mindset list." However, I just celebrated my birthday, and this month also marks 15 years since I started college.

With that said, if you graduated from high school in 2003...

+ ...the Middle East has always been on equal footing with Russia as a threat to the United States.
+ ...it has always been acceptable for a women to run for (at the very least) Vice President of the United States.
+ ...there has only been one version of the game show "Jeopardy!" and it has always been hosted by Alex Trebek.
+ ...it has always been legal to record TV shows.
+ ...gas has always been unleaded.
+ ...Lean Cuisine has always been available in a supermarket near you.
+ ...the Detroit Tigers have never won a World Series.
+ ...Pete Rose has always been the all-time hit king and associated with gambling.
+ ...they have never seen a USFL game.
+ ...Richard Burton, Truman Capote, Ricky Nelson, Samantha Smith, Laura Ashley, Orson Welles, Nicholas "Coach" Colasanto, Karen Ann Quinlin, Benigno Aquino, and Ruth Gordon have always been dead.
+ ...there has always been a screening test for AIDS.

(597)

Through a Freshman's Eyes: Millennium Edition

[Ed. note: I'm doing this a little earlier than usual this year. You'll see why in my next post.]

Another graduation season looms. For the eighth year in a row, and as the time gap between my high school graduation and this year's class widens, I am reminded not only of my lurching obsolescence, but also the variance in perspective. The scary part, and something to bear in mind as you read this year's list, is that the current crop of high school seniors have no recollection of the 20th century. In fact, about two-thirds of them were born after Saturday, January 1st, 2000.

With that said, if you are a graduating senior...

...Bashar al-Assad has always been President of Syria.
...Vladimir Putin has always been "President" of Russia.
...Elián González has always lived in Cuba.
...Hillary Clinton has always been the politician in the family.
...your parents' PC has never had issues with being "compliant."
...you have vague childhood memories of a phone-like device called a Blackberry.
...music has always been downloadable, and with relative ease.
...Amazon has always been eating away at brick-and-mortar retail stores.
...there have always been internet-only movies. (click here)
...online dating, blogging, flash drives and GPS have always been a thing.
...they have never read LIFE magazine.
...the Pyrenean ibex has always been extinct.
...the comic strip "Peanuts" has always been in repeats (applies only to anyone under age 18 that has ever read a newspaper).
...you've never seen the original lineup of Smashing Pumpkins or Screaming Trees play live.
...Prince has never been referred to as "The Artist" or by an incomprehensible symbol.
...there have always been Latin Grammys.
...Madonna has always been faking a British accent.
...reality shows have always dominated network television.
...its always been okay for two men to kiss on network television.
...you have never watched TGIF.
...Regis Philbin and Kathie Lee Gifford have never hosted a talk show together.
...David Letterman has always been the survivor of quintuple-bypass surgery.
...Vince Carter, Dirk Nowitski, and Manu Ginóbili have always played in the NBA.
...Tom Brady, Adam Vinatieri, Phil Dawson, and Sebastian Janikowski have always played in the NFL.
...Matt Cullen and Zdeno Chara have always played in the NHL.
...Adrian Beltre has always played third base in the majors.
...Bartolo Colon has not only always been a Major League pitcher, but he's always been on the chunky side.
...speaking of MLB, the National and American Leagues have never been seperate legal entities.
...Catfish Hunter, Allen Funt, Wilt Chamberlain, Payne Stewart, Walter Payton, Madeline Kahn, Mary Kay Bergman, Rick Danko, Curtis Mayfield, "Q" from the James Bond movies, Clayton Moore, Nat Adderley, Don Martin, Bob Lemon, Hedy Lamarr, Doug Henning, Charles M. Schulz, Sid Abel, Derrick Thomas, the guy from the Ernest movies, Lee Petty, Adam Petty, Larry Linville, Douglas Fairbanks Jr, Sir John Gielgud, Johnnie Taylor, Nancy Marchand, David Tomlinson, Walter Matthau, Sir Alec Guinness, and Carl Barks have always been dead.

(588)

Through a Seventh Freshman's Eyes

It's that time of year again. This year's high school senior crop (and assumed college freshmen) were born between Fall 1998 and Summer 1999, mere babes during Y2K hysteria and the other goings-on at the turn of the century. With each passing year, their perspective compared to previous generations looks a little more skewed, and things they take for granted might have been something we weren't aware about when we were their age.  Once again, with all due apologies to Beloit College, I present my annual homemade "Memory List":

If you're a graduating senior...

...impeaching the President of the United States has always been a possibility.
...the threat of a school shooting has always been very, very real.
...Slobodan Milosevic was never President of Serbia.
...Europe has always had (or attempted to have) a unifying currency.
...India and Pakistan have always had nuclear powers.
...baseball has always been tainted by steroids and PEDs.
...the Latino population in the U.S. has always increased by about one million people.
...the Dow Jones Industrial Average has almost always been above 10,000.
...there have always been anti-vaxxers.
...you vaguely remember your parents winning an eBay auction on a grape-colored iMac.
...Bluetooth, Blackberry, and instant/no-tray ice have always been a thing.
...Michael J. Fox has always been open and forthcoming about his battle with Parkinson's Disease.
...there have always been mediocre "Star Wars" prequels.
..."The Sopranos" and "Sex & The City" have always been part of the pop culture conversation, and there's always been more to HBO than just movies and sex documentaries.
...Regis Philbin was a game show host first, and a daytime talk show host second.
...Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel have always been on TV in some capacity.
...Mike Scioscia has always been manager of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California, United States, Earth.
...Dirk Nowitzki and Vince Carter have always played in the NBA.
...Joe Thornton, Patrick Marleau, and Marian Hossa have always played in the NHL.
...Michael Jordan never played for the Chicago Bulls, Wayne Gretzky has never laced a set of skates, and John Elway has always been a football executive.
...the Nashville Predators have always been in existence, and the Cleveland Browns have never taken a year off from football.
...Susan Lucci's name has always been preceded by the phrase "Emmy winner."
...Bill Murray has never hosted SNL.
...they have never stayed up to watch Tom Snyder.
...you think "Melrose Place" is a Chicago suburb. (You're thinking of Melrose Park.)
..."Spongebob Squarepants" and "Family Guy" have always been on TV.
...the original host of The Daily Show was Jon Stewart.
...Gene Siskel, Stanley Kubrick, Matthew Shepard, Joe DiMaggio, Dan Quisenberry, George Wallace, John Ehrlichman, Doak Walker, Gene Autry, Hal Newhouser, Weeb Eubank, Roddy McDowall, Alan J. Pakula, Flip Wilson, Esther Rolle, Norman Fell, Michel Petrucciani, Flo-Jo, the one guy from Milli Vanilli, Dusty Springfield, Dana Plato, Rick Rude, Owen Hart, Shel Silverstein, DeForest Kelly, and John F. Kennedy Jr. have always been dead.

In case you missed it, here's last year's list. Again, my apologies if I made you feel old.

(553)

Through a Fifth Freshman's Eyes

May already? Where did the first third of the year go?

It's already prom season at most of the local high schools, which means graduation is in a few weeks. As I've done in past years, I've written a list that offers the world perspective of the average American high school senior, most of whom were born in either 1996 or 1997. This was inspired (or ripped off, depending on your perspective) by the "mindset list" that Beloit College releases every year. Here goes:

If you're a graduating senior...

...Hong Kong has always been part of China.
...you're used to a woman being U.S. Secretary of State.
...divorce has always been legal in Ireland.
...scientists have always been cloning farm animals.
...NASA has always been able to explore Mars.
...there has always been at least one electric car on American highways.
...there have always been Asian long-horned beetles on American soil.
...Ellen Degeneres has always been openly gay.
...you've never had a combo meal at Burger Chef.
...you've never shopped at Venture, Woolworth's, Handy Andy, Thrift Drug, or Omni Superstore.
...Steve Jobs was never been associated with any company besides Apple.
...the Freedom of Information Act has always been in effect.
...the Dow Jones Industrial Average has never been below 6,000.
...there has never been a hotel in Las Vegas called the Hacienda.
...you don't understand why '90s kids much such a big deal out of "The Simpsons."
..."South Park" and Toonami have always been on TV.
...TV has always had parental guidance ratings.
...TV has always had those little watermarks on the lower corner of the screen that tells you which network you're watching.
...Bryant Gumbel has never hosted "Today," and Bob Saget has never hosted "America's Funniest Home Videos."
...The Disney Channel has always been a basic cable channel (as opposed to, say, HBO or Showtime).
...Kobe Bryant has always played in the NBA.
...Gregg Popovich has always been head coach of the San Antonio Spurs.
...you have likely never attended a Hartford Whalers game, and there has always been an NHL team in North Carolina.
...the Florida --er, Miami-- Marlins have a tendency to win championships, then completely disembowel the team shortly after.
...Tupac Shakur, Spiro Agnew, Morey Amsterdam, Eva Cassidy, Tiny Tim, Pete Rozelle, Carl Sagan, JonBenet Ramsey, Townes Van Zandt, Deng Xiaoping, Biggie Smalls, Willem de Kooning, Allen Ginsberg, Laura Nyro, Blackstone the magician, Gianni Versace, Robert Mitchum, Jimmy Stewart, Charles Kuralt, Fela Kuti, William S. Burroughs, Brandon Tartikoff, Princess Diana, and Mother Teresa have always been dead.

Am I missing anything? I'm asking in earnest, but I understand if you don't want to add to this blighted nostalgia trip.

(479)

Through a Fourth Freshman's Eyes

For the fourth year in a row, I present my presumptive Mindset List for this year's high school graduating class. Since this year's college freshmen were mostly born in late 1995 and early 1996, it astounds me to think I'm closer to turning 40 than I am from earning my own high school diploma. With that said, 1996 was kind of a slow news year, so a lot of the tidbits I mentioned last year still apply.

So why do I keep writing this list every year? Because when Beloit College releases their annual list in August, they're always bound to miss something.

Without further ado, if you are an incoming college freshman...

...there have always been DVDs.
...O.J. Simpson has always been *cough* "innocent" of two murders.
...The Unabomber has always been under federal custody.
...Dean Martin, George Burns, Terry Southern, Yitzhak Rabin, Audrey Meadows, McLean Stevenson, Erma Bombeck, P.L. Travers, Jon Pertwee, Timothy Leary, Mel Allen, Ella Fitzgerald, and Claudette Colbert have always been dead.
..."ValuJet" has always been associated with plane crashes, safety problems, and all-around incompetence.
...Prince Charles and Princess Diana were never married.
...you briefly shared this planet with the first known 120-year-old person.
...Croatia has never had a civil war.
...Texas has always been threatening to secede from the United States.
...world champion chessmasters have always been playing against computers.
...you've never eaten an Arch Deluxe.
...the Dow Jones Industrial Average has never been below 5,000.
...you've never been to a Ramones concert.
...you've always associated Will Smith with movies, not TV, and only intermittently as a musician.
...there have always been at least three cable news networks, and they have always been differentiated by being conservative, liberal, and moderate.
...the first James Bond was Pierce Brosnan.
...the New York Yankees rarely miss the playoffs.
...there has always been NHL hockey in Arizona.
...there has always been an NFL team in Baltimore-- at least one that wears black and purple, anyway.
...the Dallas Cowboys have never won, much less played in, the Super Bowl.
...the United States has never hosted the Summer Olympics.
...Gregg Popovich has always been head coach of the San Antonio Spurs.
...Kobe Bryant, Steve Nash, Derek Fisher, and Ray Allen have always played in the NBA.
...it has always been possible for an NHL team to win a Stanley Cup in its first year of existence.
...Northwestern University has always been known as a "football school."

Next Week: my 9th Annual Fantasy Emmy Ballot.

(445)

Through a Third Freshman's Eyes

Get ready to feel old again!

For the third year in a row, I present my assumptive Mindset List for graduating high school kids/incoming college freshmen. This year's high school grads were born in late 1994 or early-to-mid 1995, mere preschoolers at the turn of the millennium. I can't speak on behalf of Americans ten years my junior (!) and these observations may not be totally representative of all 18-year-olds, but it's certainly something to wrap your head around. Besides, why should we wait for Beloit College's annual list in three months?

(NOTE: if anything may appear to be missing, I was just trying to avoid overlap from last year's list. Click here for said blog entry.)

With that said, if you are an incoming college freshman...

...there has never been an Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building.
...with the exception of a four-year gap in the late 2000s, the GOP has always controlled the House of Representatives.
...women have always been able to captain a space shuttle.
...your British friends have never invested in Barings Bank.
...Michael Jordan has only retired twice.
...there has always been at least one NBA team in Canada.
...there has never been an NFL team in Los Angeles, but there's always been one in northern Florida.
...Kevin Garnett, Jerry Stackhouse, and Kurt Thomas have always played in the NBA.
...the Major League Baseball season has never been shortened by, nor subjected to, a strike or work stoppage.
...you have never seen a sporting event inside Chicago Stadium or Boston Garden.
...the San Francisco 49ers have never won a Super Bowl.
...Cal Ripken Jr. has always owned the record for all-time consecutive games played.
...Connie Chung has never co-anchored the CBS Nightly News.
...you never saw Chris Farley or Adam Sandler on Saturday Night Live.
...classic kids' shows like "Ghostwriter," "Legends of the Hidden Temple," and "Tiny Toon Adventures" have existed only in repeats.
...Jon Stewart has never been on any cable channel besides Comedy Central.
...Jay Leno has always beaten David Letterman in the ratings.
...you have never had a sip of Coke II, and you don't know what it used to be called.
...you have never seen a first-class postage stamp below 30 cents.
...Mickey Mantle, Jerry Garcia, Ginger Rogers, Selena, Ed Flanders, Michael O'Donoghue, Shannon Hoon, Easy E, Wolfman Jack, Orville Redenbacher, Peter Cook, Donald Pleasance, Elizabeth Montgomery, Dr. Jonas Salk, and Bob "Happy Trees" Ross have always been dead.
..."The Far Side" and "Calvin & Hobbes" have never run in your local newspaper.
...you've probably never read a newspaper.

If you have anything else to add, let me know. Writing these lists are both inspiring and depressing.

Through Another Freshman's Eyes

Last year, I wrote a blog post about "The Mindset List," the famed article published every year by the sociology department at Beloit College.  This year's college freshmen --or next year's sophomores, if you will-- were born mostly in 1992 or 1993, and I attempted to estimate their worldview. This year, most soon-to-be high school grads were born in late 1993 or early-to-mid 1994, right smack in the middle of Bill Clinton's first term in office.  Even though Prof. Ron Nief and his staff won't publish their annual list until early August, I thought I'd give it another stab. Some items didn't necessitate repeating, so here's a link to last year's list if you think you see anything omitted.

With that said, if you are an incoming college freshman...

...Martin Brodeur has always been the starting goalie for the New Jersey Devils.
...the World Series has never been cancelled, and relations between Major League Baseball and the Player's Union have been relatively peaceful.
...you only remember one Chicago Bulls three-peat.
...when you hear the name O.J. Simpson, you're much more likely to associate it with a triple homicide than with football.
...when you hear the term Alzheimer's Disease, you associate it with Ronald Reagan.
...the Summer and Winter Olympics have always been held in seperate, two-year alternating spans.
...Jason Kidd, Grant Hill, and Juwan Howard have always played in the NBA.
...Richard Nixon, Kurt Cobain, Jackie Kennedy Onassis, Cesar Romero, Tip O'Neill, Bill Hicks, Dinah Shore, Telly Savalas, John Candy, John Wayne Gacy, Henry Mancini, Burt Lancaster, Raul Julia, and Jeffrey Dahmer have always been dead.
...Johnny Carson never appeared on TV in your lifetime.
...you have never attended a Nirvana or Uncle Tupelo concert.
...you never saw Phil Hartman on "Saturday Night Live."
...first-run episodes of "The Simpsons" have always aired on Sunday nights.
...People Weekly --er, I mean People-- has always been published in full color.
...the phrase "Don't touch that dial!" makes no sense whatsoever.
...kids raised in Chicago have never watched Bozo the Clown before heading to school.
...you have never ordered anything from the Sears "Big Book."
...you have never had a sip of Crystal Pepsi.
...Newt Gingrich has always been a major player in American politics.
...the Federal Assault Weapons Ban and the Brady Bill have always been in effect.
...there has always been a member of the Kardashian family in the news.
...Aldrich Ames has always been in prison.
...there have always been prisoners and refugees at Guantanamo Bay.
...Rwanda has always been synonymous with genocide.
...there have always been alter girls.

That's a lot to think about. If you have anything else to add, let me know. Next week I look at the year in music, 1982 so keep your nostalgia hats on.

Though a Freshman's Eyes

Unless there's been a major breakthrough in the Governator and "Weinergate" scandals that I don't know about, this has been a slow week in the news. Given that, I'd like to do something different this week. Every year, Beloit College in Wisconsin releases what they call "The Mindset List." It's intent is not to make Baby Boomers, Gen-Xers, or children of the '90s (*cough*) feel old, but to demonstrate the world view of a just-graduated high school senior. Maybe it's schadenfreude, but the Mindset List is also endlessly fascinating to read (Google it right now if you have some time to kill). The list for the fresh-faced Class of 2015 --i.e. children born in late 1992 and early 1993-- won't be released for a few more weeks, but out of curiousity I'd like to speculate as to what might make the cut.

With that said, if you are an incoming college freshman...

...there have always been cell phones, e-mail and the internet.

...Canada, Mexico, and the U.S. have always agreed to trade freely.

...you have never had to worry about getting nuked by the Russians.

...there has never been a Czechoslovakia or a Yugoslavia.

...there has never been a Branch Davidian Compound.

...the Pittsburgh Pirates have always sucked.

...a Canadian hockey team has never won the Stanley Cup, and a Canadian baseball team has never won the World Series. (In turn, there have always been MLB and NHL teams in the state of Florida.)

...you never saw Joe Montana play for the San Francisco 49ers or Mike Ditka coach for the Chicago Bears.

...Audrey Hepburn, Frank Zappa, Julio Gallo, and the guy who played Herman Munster have always been dead.

...there has never been a living member of the Three Stooges.

...Tom Hanks has always had the phrase "Academy Award Winner" precede his name in movie trailers.

...nobody in Palatine, IL ever dines at Brown's Chicken.

...however, there has always been a McDonald's, a Subway, and/or a Starbucks within walking distance from your house.

...you have never heard --or heard of-- the song "Cop Killer."

...Jay Leno has always been on NBC and David Letterman has always been on CBS.

..."Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" and its various incarnations have always been on the air.

...People magazine and The New Yorker has always been published in color.

...the United States Post Office has always been losing money.

...you have only known one President Bush.

Scary stuff, eh? Kinda makes you think. Don't worry though; next week I'll try to post something a little less cerebral.