The Second Beat

I've been on the Chicago improv scene for about nine years now. I tend to bifurcate my improv story into two parts: before and after 2013. Four years of fledgling, followed by five years of modest success. When I write my comedy biography, 2013 will be the transition from the first to the second beat.

This year marks several fifth-year anniversaries for me: the founding of Flower Shop Bangers, the creation of Stu News, the first show I ever produced, joining a house team at a prominent Chicago venue, and (most crucially) graduating from the Second City Conservatory. I also witnessed a slow upheaval in my social life that year. I had improv friends moving out east and west, a natural attrition and transition for professional actors. After realizing that improv was dominating my social interactions, I took up another hobby of sorts and make new friends that weren't performers. That, however is a story for another time.

I put that into perspective while doing coffee with my friend Bess in New York. (I previously mentioned her in my tribute to Jason Chin.) I last saw Bess in person in March 2013, before most of the aforementioned milestones had happened. There was so much to discuss and catch up on, but due to a schedule snafu we only met for 45 minutes. Bess remembered me as a persistent underdog, grasping for an opportunity. Over five years later, I was more comfortable and on firmer footing, but not leaping on auditions and new projects like I used to. She summed up her five years succinctly, but I babbled on and on. It was still a pleasant chat, but I felt bad for self-aggrandizing. Then again, I had something to boast about for once.

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My Last Blog Post of 2013

So what kind of TV did I watch in the year? Admittedly, my tastes didn't change much though it's getting harder and harder to clear my DVR. My lack of access to Netflix made it difficult to watch a number of shows that made most critics' top ten lists; I haven't seen "House of Cards," and I've only watched the first episodes of "Orange is the New Black" and the new "Arrested Development." I kept forgetting to record "Breaking Bad," but I'll take your word for it and assume "Ozymandias" was a mind-blowing episode. I know that doesn't make my list sound any more appealing, but I still managed to find all sorts of great TV in 2013.

1. "Bob's Burgers," Fox. I can't blame the fourth network for not knowing what do to with this quirky cartoon. It had a no-name producer (Loren Bouchard, late of "Home Movies"), a cast top-loaded with "alt" comedians (H. Jon Benjamin, Eugene Mirman, Kristen Schaal), and a refusal to make cheap, near-constant pop culture references. Above all, it was more family-friendly than its "Animation Domination" counterparts. A truncated second season, with only nine episodes in lieu of the more common 13, made its few fans wonder if "Bob's" would be another one of Fox' brilliant-but-cancelled casualties. Bucking expectations Fox proved patient, and this weird little cartoon about a fledging family of restauranteurs has not only flourished creatively, it's also a modest hit. The id-ego-superego construct is expanded from three to five, and each principal character plays off each other like a jazz combo: weary Bob, optimist Linda, awkward Tina, impulsive dimwit Gene, angry sociopath Louise. The bar was initially set so low that anything could happen; that under-the-radar mentality has allowed "Bob's" to blossom without missing a beat. Notable Episodes: "Mother Daughter Laser Razor," "O.T. The Outside Toilet," "Fort Night"

2. "Mad Men," AMC. It took a long time for people to figure out what season six was all about. Quoting from Dante's Inferno was a clever, if not oddly on-the-nose way to usher the ad agency into the chaos of America circa 1968, but the allusions to The Merchant of Venice and Old Testament were bewildering at first. Ultimately, the turbulence of '68 was white noise for the self-destruction of Don Draper. The carefully crafted persona was ripped into shreds, his life collapsing under the weight of his many lies. The infidelity and drinking spiraled out of control, his career strained by indifference and egomania, and Draper's family and co-workers left exasperated. I can't wait to see how the final season (i.e. 1969) picks up the pieces. Notable Episodes: "The Flood," "The Crash," "In Care Of"

3. "Brooklyn Nine-Nine," Fox. The year's most interesting new comedy probably has more in common with "Barney Miller" than any other recent workplace comedy. Unlike the top two picks, the concept is neither labyrinthe nor obtuse; it's just a really funny mismatched buddy-cop show. Andy Samberg is charming as an immature goofball who's also a fantastic NYPD detective, and Andre Braugher is Emmy-worthy as his by-the-book captain/straight man/yang. Give this show time; it's going to be something special. Notable Episodes: "Pilot," "Old School"

4. "Girls," HBO. Yes, season two had its share of problems. The storytelling wasn't as tight, the characters lost some dimension, and at times it seemed like Lena Dunham was caving into the ego trip that her critics expected her to fall into. And yet, it still made for ambitious, cinematic, delightfully serio-comic television. At the center-point was the almost isolated "One Man's Trash," a gorgeous fantasia that skews general roles in romantic comedy, then climaxes in astounding self-actualization. Notable Episodes: "It's a Shame About Ray," "One Man's Trash," "Boys"

5. "Parks & Recreation," NBC. After thirty-plus years, NBC's Thursday night comedy block basically collapsed this year. Unfortunately, that means fewer people are tuning into one of the most consistent comedies on network television. Half of the Pawnee gang is seemingly either married or pregnant, so I can't blame people for assuming P&R jumped the shark. At the center of the transition is Retta, whose sassy Donna has become the veteran comedy's secret weapon. Notable Episodes: "Two Parties," "Are You Better Off?" "Recall Vote"

Honorable Mentions: "Boardwalk Empire," HBO ("The Old Ship of Zion," "White Horse Pike") and "Childrens Hospital," Adult Swim ("Country Weekend," "Coming and Going").

Of course, this is a blog about great TV, so I'll save my comments on my least favorite shows of '13 for those who have already skewed the likes of "Dads" and "Low Winter Sun." I don't want to spend the last 24 hours of the year dwelling on why "Two and a Half Men" is still on the air, and neither do you. With that said, my most sincere thanks to anyone reading this for their continued friendship and support during such a trying year, and I'll see you all in 2014.

That Wonderful Year in Music... 2013

 What lessons did we learn from the music scene in 2013? That was this a year for tantalization, courtesy of Miley Cyrus? Or controversy, by way of the always unpredictable Kanye West? Perhaps it was the element of surprise (thank you, Beyonce), or the need to expand your boundaries (tip of the hat, Arcade Fire), or the year of the comeback (Daft Punk, we missed you so). Whatever it was, you couldn't say 2013 was a boring year, or a complacent one.

Normally I listen to at least new 25 albums a year and whittle it down, usually based upon recommendations and reviews. This year, however I raised that number; there was always one noteworthy album that I completely overlooked or made aware of, and I wanted to avoid as many glaring omissions as possible. There was only one album of critical merit (Miley's Bangerz) that I just couldn't bring myself to listen to; the clash of positive and negative press was just too much to bear.

BEST ALBUMS
1. Yeezus, Kanye West. This album should have been a train wreck. The hype and secrecy behind Yeezy's sixth album, not to mention the insurmountable task of succeeding My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, should have proved once for all that West was fallible. Instead West produces Yeezus, his most challenging, non-commercial effort yet. This "new" Kanye is more political than extroverted; he is clearly not concerned with what constitutes good or bad taste. Someday, West will collapse on the weight of his massive ego, but it didn't happen this year.
2. Random Access Memories, Daft Punk. If Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" dominated radio in July and August 2013, Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" owned May and June. Strangely, Daft Punk's return from a lengthy hiatus (unless you count the "Tron: Legacy" soundtrack, no new studio offerings since 2005) sounds hardly anything like the infectious leadoff single. It's a personal work, with the French EDM duo collaborating with the artists who inspired them (Giorgio Moroder, Nile Rodgers) while composing songs for a wishlist of left-field guest stars (Paul Williams, Julian Casablancas). Memories, indeed.
3. Modern Vampires of the City, Vampire Weekend. Downplaying the showiness and smartass rich-kid rhetoric of their first two albums, Modern Vampires is the final third of a trilogy (so says frontman Ezra Koenig) and a statement of maturity. The hit single "Diane Young" sounds like the been-there, done-that cousin of "Cousins," and "Obvious Bicycle" might remind one of The Kinks circa Muswell Hillbillies. The over-educated brat is still there, but his tastes are diversifying.
4. Reflektor, Arcade Fire
5. We Are the 21st Century Ambassadors of Peace & Magic, Foxygen
6. Trouble Will Find Me, The National
7. Sunbather, Deafheaven
8. m b v, My Bloody Valentine
9. The Electric Lady, Janelle Monae
10. Once I Was an Eagle, Laura Marling. Speaking of maturity, it's amazing how much this singer-songwriter has grown and blossomed in six short years. "Precocious" does not apply anymore; Marling's Joni Mitchell-meets-Regina Spektor sound is fully honed, and her fourth solo album is her most virtuosic effort yet. Her 2010 effort I Speak Because I Can may have had stronger songwriting, but Eagle has the edge on songcraft.

11. Days Are Gone, HAIM
12. Amok, Atoms for Peace
13. ...Like Clockwork, Queens of the Stone Age
14. Silence Yourself, Savages
15. The Next Day, David Bowie. I'm not sure what amazes me more: that Bowie could record such a strong album in the late stages of his legendary career, or that he never repeats himself. Sure, his first batch of original songs since 2003 alude to his '70s and early '80s output, but the Thin White Duke is not here to navelgaze or wax nostalgic. In fact, he refracts his portrait of Dorian Gray. Physically Bowie is a bit older, but his croon has barely aged.
16. Long.Live.A$AP, A$AP Rocky
17. Overgrown, James Blake
18. Doris, Earl Sweatshirt
19. The Worse Things Get, The Harder I Fight..., Neko Case
20. The Chronicles of Marnia, Marnie Stern. One of the most distinctly dexterious guitarists working today, Stern presents herself like Colbie Caillat but plays like Robert Fripp. Where her earlier work comprised mostly of unpredictable, prog-rock shredding, Marnia is looser and more expansive. To dismiss this as pedestrian and easygoing is an injustice. Stern is giving herself time to breathe, putting the melody ahead of the technical prowess, and it still sounds as effortless as ever.


BEST SINGLES
"Royals," Lorde
"Super Soaker," Kings of Leon
"Default," Django Django
"Inhaler," Foals
"I'm In, I'm Out, and I'm Gone," Ben Harper and Charlie Musselwhite
"A New Life," Jim James
"Harper Lee," Little Green Cars
"Right Action," Franz Ferdinand
"Sun Blows Up Today," The Flaming Lips
"Yellow Purple Red and Blue," Portugal, The Man
"Pompeii," Bastille
"Oh My God," Kate Nash


BEST VIDEOS
1. "Q.U.E.E.N." Janelle Monae feat. Erykah Badu. Everything you need to know about Monae, her music, and her cult of personality, summed up in six fabulously funky minutes. If getting your clip on MTV meant anything anymore, this might our generation's "Billie Jean."
2. "Wishes," Beach House. Character actor Ray Wise is incredible in everything he does, mostly because of his remarkably expressive face. This hypnotic video, playing some type of cult leader leading a pastel-colored pep rally, is sold on Wise's face and what it conveys amid the madness. And it sells marvelously. That Eric Wareheim of Adult Swim fame directed this is almost ancillary to this clip's beautiful madness.
3. "Bagboy," The Pixies. Another one of the pleasant surprises of 2013 was the first new Pixies single in over 20 years, and the accompanying video is a both an anarchist romp and a mesmorizing glance into juvenile delinquency. The ending will make your jaw drop.
4. "Sacrilege," The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. If Paul Verhoeven and Lars Von Trier joined forces on an indie movie, than shot it backwards, the end result would probably be this.
5. "Reflektor" (version 2), Arcade Fire. Anton Corbijn takes a few cues from Fellini, than assembles a gloomy yet lighthearted clip for a notoriously gloomy yet lighthearted band. Taking note of the Butler brother's newfound playfulness, this surreal, papier-mâché happy video plays well with the funky leadoff single of Fire's fourth album. Just watch out for the mirrored suit guy.
6. "Shot at the Night," The Killers. If you're looking for a relatively wholesome, enchantingly romantic video, look no further than this Vegas-set Cinderella story. The glorious cheese of the Strip is further accented by Brandon Flowers' attempt at the best song not released in 1986.
7. "Open," Rhye. Another love story, but this one plays out like a short story in the New Yorker. It almost makes you want to run off with your lover to a faraway retreat. Almost.
8. "White Noise," Disclosure feat. AlunaGeorge. At the complete opposite of the spectrum from "Shot at the Night" is this Detroit-set charmer, featuring perhaps the strongest love story of them all. Sometimes you'll find diamonds in the roughest conditions.
9. "Wild for the Night," A$AP Rocky feat. Skrillex. The cliche-heavy "rapper living the good life" video gets tweaked again. I don't know what's more impressive: that Rocky speaks fluent Spanish, or he's seen City of God.
10. "Hopeless Wanderer," Mumford & Sons. In the recent deluge of celebrity cameo videos, no one did it better than these angsty British folkies. Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis, Ed Helms, and Will Forte goof around with banjos and pianos, and that's all you need to know.

Honorable Mention: Diane Martel's boob-arific clip for Thicke's "Blurred Lines."

Your thoughts?

My Year of Drama

Last week, I was driving on I-290 when I received a phone call from my mother. My sister had been in a three-car accident; the fender bender wasn't her fault, but the back of her car would require repairs in the high three figures. I texted my sister after I parked in Lakeview, she said she felt woozy, so my mother drove her to the ER. It didn't seem serious, but after everything that's happened to my parents these past few years, I couldn't help but feel a little distracted.

For those keeping tally, I was the only member of my immediate family to not go to the emergency room in the last calendar year. First my mother's gallbladder removal, than my father's tumor and lengthy recovery, now this. Heck, even our older dog spent time at the emergency vet for a pulled neck muscle. Nearly all year, I've been feeling the walls closing in. Incidents and maladies like this, constant reminders of the precious quality of life, heighten my neuroses and drive me to distraction. At once, I feel stronger for surviving and more worn for wear.

As 2013 segues into 2014, I've come to the realization that for better or worse, these past 12 months have been way more eventful than I would have liked. It was a year of accomplishment and setbacks, of risk and challenge, of ambition and frustration. There was a lot that I would like to change, and an equal amount that was perfect as it is. For my sake, I hope '14 is a little more... well, boring.

Next Week: 2013, the year in music.

My Ninth Annual Thanks/No Thanks List

With Turkey Day 2013 just around the corner, it's time to present my annual "Thanks/No Thanks" lists. This tradition has been passed from generation to generation ever since Stuart the Blog Writer jotted down his thoughts in the ancient year of 2005. (There's next to no context; it's just a quick read while I wolf down some sweet potatoes.)

Thanks: The Second City Conservatory program, the entire Chicago improv community, another Stanley Cup in Chicago, gay marriage in Illinois, my two school districts, and above all my friends and family during this trying year.

No Thanks: B-cell lymphoma, government shutdowns, the botched rollout of the Affordable Care Act, my gradually increasing monthly health care premium, unintentional sleep deprivation, and temp jobs with incompetent management.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My 2013 NFL Preview

With the 2013 NFL season kicking off in mere hours, I felt inclined to make some predictions. Much like my baseball preview five months ago, my pigskin prognostications needed a unique twist. Something with brevity, something descriptive yet arch, something... with 17 soma.

(NOTE: asterisks note wild cards)

NFC NORTH
1. Packers (11-5). Lambeau Field is now/Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood/Defense? Still sketchy.
2. Bears (9-7). New era begins/Coach Trestman, O-line guru/but still rebuilding.
3. Vikings (8-8). No purple reign here/All Day will carry this team/the D might surprise.
4. Lions (6-10). '12 was a letdown/can all this talent win games/or just tread water?

NFC EAST
1. Giants (10-6). No flash, overlooked/drama-free Jints will prevail/with health on their side.
2. Redskins* (10-6). RG III, your knee/could make or break the season/ten high-scoring wins.
3. Cowboys (9-7). Romo, moneybags/the pressure to win, daunting/still no O-line, though.
4. Eagles (5-11). Kelly lacks the chips/to compete in a dense group/Vick or Foles? Oy vey!

NFC SOUTH
1. Falcons (11-5). Spry but dangerous/Jackson raises the run game/playoffs are a test.
2. Saints (8-8). Bountygate? Over/Rob Ryan must save the D/or "Ain'ts" will suffer.
3. Buccaneers (7-9). Pushy Schiano/can't let these guys fade again/or else it's curtains.
4. Panthers (5-11). Who protects Newton?/franchise QB, wasted on/poor coaching, weak O.

NFC WEST
1. 49ers (12-4). Primo all-around/only injuries can halt/their victory train.
2. Seahawks* (12-4). A bunch of oddballs/make unlikely chemistry/young talent prevails.
3. Rams (7-9). Third in two-horse race/anywhere else, they would be/a sure contender.
4. Cardinals (6-10). Upgrade at QB/will keep receivers happy/in fruitless battle.

AFC NORTH
1. Ravens (11-5). Birds circle the throne/Flacco needs protection, yet/their front seven stomps.
2. Bengals* (10-6). Dark horse wears orange/jejune Andy Dalton leads/an improved offense.
3. Steelers (7-9). The Steel Curtain rusts/aging, battered, fading out/youth infusion, stat!
4. Browns (5-11). It's a step forward/underrated defense, but/Weeden holds them back.

AFC EAST
1. Patriots (11-5). Victors by default/Brady and Belichick win/despite Hernandez.
2. Dolphins (9-7). With emptied wallets/makeover, glimmer of hope/defense? Quite improved.
3. Bills (6-10). Pray for young Jeff Tuel/undrafted Week 1 QB/such unique pressure.
4. Jets (4-12). Revis is elsewhere/and Mark Sanchez is still here/the losing riddle.

AFC SOUTH
1. Texans (11-5). Foster, Watt, Cushing/injuries mount, but they win/with other weapons.
2. Colts* (10-6). Rivals are singing/"Luck, be a lady tonight"/but these guys aren't dolls.
3. Titans (6-10). Upgraded O-line/step in the right direction/but the defense? Ugh.
4. Jaguars (3-13). No surprises here/morsels of talent, scattered/first pick in '14?

AFC WEST
1. Broncos (13-3). This weak division/gobbled up by great roster/Peyton's second ring?
2. Chargers (8-8). Same as Chicago/new coach, embattled QB/and so-so results.
3. Chiefs (6-10). KC fans: pretend/that last year never happened/hope in the long run.
4. Raiders (4-12). Unpredictable/sums up Oakland in one word/what's their direction?

NFL MVP: Tom Brady, Patriots
Offensive POY: Calvin Johnson, Lions
Defensive POY: Richard Sherman, Seahawks
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Tavon Austin, Rams
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Jon Bostic, Bears
First Head Coach Fired: Mike Munchak, Titans
Super Bowl XLVIII: Denver 27, San Francisco 22

Hike! Er, I mean, your thoughts?

Monday, June 24th

So how did I spend my Game 6?

In my lifetime I've experienced ten* championships between Chicago's five major sports teams; six from the Bulls, one apiece from the Bears and White Sox, and now two from my beloved Blackhawks. (I gave up on the Cubs at age nine and I haven't looked back.) Unlike the previous nine I spent the Hawks' second title in four years in the city, as opposed to my native southwest suburbs. To elaborate:

I watched Game 6 of the 2010 Finals at a restaurant called Cabana Charlie's. My father and I wanted to see the game in a sports bar setting, and with Tilted Kilt and Buffalo Wild Wings packed shoulder to shoulder, we settled on Charlie's. The restaurant itself was a pale imitator of Jimmy Buffett's Cheeseburger in Paradise franchise, with a friendly, palm-tree exterior protecting its soulless, ersatz center. The only TVs were in the bar, and we snagged the last table with a view with 15 minutes before game time.

My family had dined at Cabana Charlie's once or twice before; the burgers were adequate but somewhat overpriced. It was never as loud or energetic, however as it was that magical night in June 2010. The bar erupted for every Hawks goal and fell silent for every Flyers lamp-lighter. I recall the confused jubilance as Patrick Kane slipped it past Michael Leighton in overtime; the buzzer went off, we cheered, but nobody could tell what happened. The replay confirmed our greatest hopes, and when the Stanley Cup was carried onto the ice about a third of the bar (including myself) cried.

Fast forward to June 2013. I had never been anywhere near the mayhem that accompanies a Chicago sports title. The Bulls riots in the early '90s made national news, but that would be the most extreme example. I stormed the north quad at Illinois State when the Bears won the 2006 NFC title, but it didn't compare to the full-fledged White Sox riot from 15 months earlier, before I transferred. Cabana Charlie's shuttered their doors earlier this year --I don't think they ever turned a profit-- so even if I had a fallback, the option wasn't there. Hook, line or sinker I would spend the clinching game somewhere in the city.

My improv commitments complicated matters. As mentioned in past blogs, I belong to a charity organization called Funny Bones, where we do game-oriented improv for sick children in nearby hospitals. We have a monthly meeting/rehearsal the last Monday of each month, and with the Hawks up three game to two and Game 6 set for that evening, I had no choice but to miss the first period. Luckily, said meeting at the Ronald McDonald House in River North, so I accomplished half of my goal right there.

Earlier that day, my dear friend Andy invited me over to his apartment to watch the game. I told him I'd meet up after Funny Bones. Driving from River North to Old Town wasn't much a challenge; finding parking was another story. Every bar and grill within walking distance was packed, and the lack of street parking indicated that. Eventually I bit the bullet and spent $13 to park in the garage adjacent to Piper's Alley (home of Second City), than ran down the street to Andy's place. At that point, the second period was almost over and the game was tied at one. Listening to the action on my car radio was not quenching my thirst.

I plopped down on Andy's couch just as the second intermission wrapped. I nearly choked on the last part of my Subway sandwich when Boston scored their second goal midway through the period. My heart sank as I feared another tidal shift in the series. I was withdrawn to the possibly of a Game 7 until the last 1:20 of the third period. Corey Crawford was pulled and an extra defenseman brought in, which usually screams desperation. I was hoping against hope for another overtime thriller, just like three years earlier. Out of the blue, Toews fed the puck to Bryan Bickell, who slipped it past Tuukka Rask, and the game was suddenly tied. I screamed with ecstasy.

The action halted for a minute or so while everyone --TD Garden, every bar in Chicago, yours truly-- could catch their breath. I had just sat down when Dave Bolland clinched it, a mere 17 seconds after the previous goal. I screamed again, loud enough to make the apartment rattle a little, than bear-hugged Andy. The last 59 seconds of the game, complete with Boston's feeble attempt at a backhander against Crawford, was just icing on the cake. In 2007 I feared the Hawks had been irreversibly run into the ground, much like the Cubs were in the '50s and '60s. Now they had won two Stanley Cups in my lifetime. Like 2010, I cried when the Cup was carried to the ice. It was just too much.

Of course, I can't forget the pandemonium in the streets. I walked down North Avenue to see if any of the bars were getting trashed, but the post-game celebration was surprisingly mannered and mostly well-behaved. Prior to leaving Andy's apartment, I watched news footage of a helicopter hovering above the corner and Clark and Addison, where the real chaos was happening. You would think half the city was celebrating in the streets, reveling shoulder-to-shoulder as the bars and clubs poured out. In a weird twist of fate, my independent improv team was supposed to play at Mullen's on Clark that night, but the show was cancelled for the Hawks game. I was reminded of that odd twist of fate as Mullen's bright green awning glowed in the noisy dark, a beacon in the joyous ataxia. I was tempted to drive up to Wrigleyville, but I was more content to stop by the United Center on my long drive home, where a smaller but equally boisterous crowd had formed a circle of cars around the stadium lot.

And that is how I spent my Game 6.

*11 if you include the 1998 Chicago Fire, but really, let's not.

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Through a Third Freshman's Eyes

Get ready to feel old again!

For the third year in a row, I present my assumptive Mindset List for graduating high school kids/incoming college freshmen. This year's high school grads were born in late 1994 or early-to-mid 1995, mere preschoolers at the turn of the millennium. I can't speak on behalf of Americans ten years my junior (!) and these observations may not be totally representative of all 18-year-olds, but it's certainly something to wrap your head around. Besides, why should we wait for Beloit College's annual list in three months?

(NOTE: if anything may appear to be missing, I was just trying to avoid overlap from last year's list. Click here for said blog entry.)

With that said, if you are an incoming college freshman...

...there has never been an Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building.
...with the exception of a four-year gap in the late 2000s, the GOP has always controlled the House of Representatives.
...women have always been able to captain a space shuttle.
...your British friends have never invested in Barings Bank.
...Michael Jordan has only retired twice.
...there has always been at least one NBA team in Canada.
...there has never been an NFL team in Los Angeles, but there's always been one in northern Florida.
...Kevin Garnett, Jerry Stackhouse, and Kurt Thomas have always played in the NBA.
...the Major League Baseball season has never been shortened by, nor subjected to, a strike or work stoppage.
...you have never seen a sporting event inside Chicago Stadium or Boston Garden.
...the San Francisco 49ers have never won a Super Bowl.
...Cal Ripken Jr. has always owned the record for all-time consecutive games played.
...Connie Chung has never co-anchored the CBS Nightly News.
...you never saw Chris Farley or Adam Sandler on Saturday Night Live.
...classic kids' shows like "Ghostwriter," "Legends of the Hidden Temple," and "Tiny Toon Adventures" have existed only in repeats.
...Jon Stewart has never been on any cable channel besides Comedy Central.
...Jay Leno has always beaten David Letterman in the ratings.
...you have never had a sip of Coke II, and you don't know what it used to be called.
...you have never seen a first-class postage stamp below 30 cents.
...Mickey Mantle, Jerry Garcia, Ginger Rogers, Selena, Ed Flanders, Michael O'Donoghue, Shannon Hoon, Easy E, Wolfman Jack, Orville Redenbacher, Peter Cook, Donald Pleasance, Elizabeth Montgomery, Dr. Jonas Salk, and Bob "Happy Trees" Ross have always been dead.
..."The Far Side" and "Calvin & Hobbes" have never run in your local newspaper.
...you've probably never read a newspaper.

If you have anything else to add, let me know. Writing these lists are both inspiring and depressing.

30 Teams, 30 Haiku: My 2013 Baseball Preview

As promised, and for the third year in a row, I present my annual baseball prognostications in the form of a 17-syllable poem. I was tempted to do iambic pentameter this year, but the Bard's tongue could do no justice for Miami or Houston.

(asterisks note wild cards)

NL EAST

1. Nationals. That's a clown question/bro, if you think this team takes/a big step backward.
2. Braves. Hail, Upton brothers!/may you find your swing again/to rescue the arms.
3. Phillies. Revere? Improvement?/and an aging Halladay/means no title run.
4. Mets. D'Arnaud, the next Fisk?/paired with the Wright solution/maybe a sleeper.
5. Marlins. So many questions/but the answer's still "purge"/Loria must sell.

NL CENTRAL
1. Reds. My, what dominance/the hunt for Red October/begins in April.
2. Cardinals*. Dogfight for second/sturdy veterans do help/when they're not injured.
3. Pirates. .500 or bust/a generation of crap/may come to an end.
4. Brewers. The smallest market/will fight for respect all year/alas, Braun's still here.
5. Cubs. This is no shocker/another year of youth rule/or no direction?

NL WEST
1. Dodgers. Hello big spenders/Yankees of the Sunset Strip/the stakes are quite high.
2. Giants*. Champions, conquered?/still strong, but if Lincecum/fades again, who knows?
3. D-Backs. Transparent goodness/but not dominant at all/Eaton will produce.
4. Padres. Someone must be fourth/small market, no direction/there's your punching bag.
5. Rockies. This downward spiral/hits bottom; needs more pitching/Tulo can't carry.

AL EAST
1. Blue Jays. Egad, they've improved!/Canadian invasion/conquers eastern foes.
2. Rays*. Maddon's formula/hot starters, dark horse closers/enough to compete.
3. Yankees. Bombers have fizzled/old, injured, and weary/maybe 80 wins.
4. Orioles. Was '12 a big fluke?/likely reality check/after career years.
5. Red Sox. Hot mess at Fenway/youth movement or saving face?/I don't expect much.

AL CENTRAL
1. Tigers. Simply dominant/the best keeps getting better/though age may loom large.
2. White Sox. Dunn swings at fast junk/the fans sing "Come Sale Away"/but the boat has left.
3. Royals. Bolstered rotation/also seeking .500/ridiculed no more.
4. Indians. Some shaky pitching/overlooked; (thanks, Nick Swisher)/equals same old Tribe.
5. Twins. Mauer and the bums/a star among the so-so/Joe deserves better.

AL WEST
1. Angels. Hambone, Pujols, Trout/on paper, this is just sick/best in wild west.
2. Athletics*. They're young, but no fluke/Beane keeps finding ways to win/soon to dominate.
3. Rangers. Many X-factors/not the same from '11/run production sags.
4. Mariners. Felix, but no bats/so in a strong division/a struggle awaits.
5. Astros. New league, same old pains/Altuve, a unique find/for cellar dwellers.

NL MVP: Joey Votto, Reds
AL MVP: Mike Trout, Angels
NL Cy Young: Stephen Strasburg, Nationals
AL Cy Young: Justin Verlander, Tigers
NL ROY: Julio Teheran, Braves
AL ROY: Wil Myers, Rays
First Manager Fired: Bud Black, Padres
2013 World Series: Tigers over Reds in 5

I'd love to hear your thoughts. Prose not required.