My 21st Annual Thanks/No Thanks List

When I was still writing this blog on a weekly basis, sometimes I would grasp at straws to find something to discuss. (My oldest blog entries are still on GameSpot, BTW. It's an uneven read.) Late in November 2005, almost six months into my weekly dispatches, I wrote two succinct lists expressing what I was thankful for (or not so much) ahead of Turkey Day. This is my 21st annual such list. 

Thanks: I don't have satellite radio in my new car anymore, so outside of commercial radio I listen to a fair amount of WLUW 88.7 FM, the Loyola University Chicago student-run station. In spite of losing SiriusXM, I'm thankful regardless for a new-ish car, a 2021 Hyundai Accent, that is running pretty well so far. I'm thankful sub work has been steady, even though I've seen an uptick in behavior issues so far this year. I'm also grateful that my roommate of 14 months is good with cats.

No Thanks: general cowardice and ambivalence about pedophilia, especially at the national level. Closer to home, I was disappointed to hear that Bob Stroud's "Rock n' Roll Roots," my traditional Sunday morning listen, is moving to a somewhat inaccessible streaming platform starting in December. The show has been on and off Chicago radio since 1980, and I first found it around 1998. However, WDRV-FM is steadily becoming what 97.9 FM The Loop used to be, they're phasing out ol' Bob as well as 60s/70s rock that isn't necessarily hard rock. Also, inflation and shrinkflation are both pains in the ass.

Happy Turkey Day!

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Departing the Machine

From 2019 until the middle of last year, I contributed to a satirical newspaper called the Chicago Machine. It was a strictly online entity, a tabloid in the loosest sense, in the vein of The Onion and its countless imitators. Citing lack of interest, the Machine quietly shut down late last year; however, I had several articles and news "briefs" in the Trello queue that never saw the light of day. I'm especially fond of this one. (NOTE: I wrote this nearly a year ago.)

Seven months into hospice care, former U.S. President and humanitarian Jimmy Carter finished the 2023 Chicago Marathon in two hours, 58 minutes. Runners and marathon staff was shocked to see the 99-year-old not only standing on his own two feet, but finished in the middle of the pack in one of the world’s highest-profile foot races. Carter attributed his performance to Jesus and a high-carb diet.

After finishing a post-race Clif bar, Carter said he will fly back down to his hometown of Plains, GA and have “insane sex” with his wife of 77 years, Rosalynn.

I suppose if I have any personal nitpick about this piece, it's that The Onion posted several Carter stories in the wake of his hospice announcement last winter. However, I'll attribute that to parallel thought. 

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Through a Freshman's Eyes, WMD Edition

Welcome to the second COVID graduation season! The class of 2021 spent a whopping one-third of their high school careers either on Zoom or doing hybrid learning, unthinkable technology 18 short years ago. They were born a year or so after the 9/11 attacks, when the US was fighting one ground war and about to start another. Like the class of '20 before them, their entire lives have been witness to all the trials and tribulations of the 21st century.

Since I wrote last year's list, the Beloit College/Marist College mindset list was adjusted for a more realistic approach to how this year's incoming college freshmen will see the world. I will continue undaunted to write mine the traditional way. 

With that said, if you graduated high school this year...

...Saddam Hussein has never been President of Iraq.

...Tayyip Erdogan has always been leader of Turkey.

...it has always been possible for the US to start a war under questionable circumstances.

...Slovakia has always been part of the European Union.

...a NASA manned space shuttle has never exploded.

...Beyonce has always been best known as a solo artist.

...your mental image of Johnny Depp has always been of an eccentric pirate.

...there has always been Wifi in space (and on Earth, I guess).

...MySpace has always been around, even though you barely remember when it was relevant.

...cell phones have always had cameras.

...Toyota has always made hybrid automobiles.

...there has never been any noteworthy national landmarks in New Hampshire.

...the Oakland (now Las Vegas) Raiders have never played in a Super Bowl.

...there have always been 32 teams and eight four-team divisions in the NFL.

...Josh McCown has always played in the NFL.

...Udonis Haslem has always been in the NBA (yes, really).

...Michael Jordan has never been in the NBA.

...Jimmy Kimmel has always hosted a talk show on ABC.

...Bill Maher has always hosted a talk show on HBO.

...Simon Cowell has always been a judge on an American reality competition show.

...Kenan Thompson has always been a cast member on Saturday Night Live.

...Bob Hope, Mister Rogers, Katherine Hepburn, Johnny Unitas, Kim Hunter, Bruce Paltrow, Aileen Wuornos, Teresa Graves, Ray Conniff, Stephen Ambrose, Sir Richard Harris, Tom Dowd, Jam Master Jay, James Coburn, Billie Bird, Roone Arledge, Lucy Grealy, Joe Strummer, Herb Ritts, George Roy Hill, Sydney Omarr, Maurice Pialat, Maurice Gibb, Richard Crenna, Al Hirschfeld, Bill Mauldin, Nell Carter, Lana Clarkson, Dolly the cloned sheep, Sis Daley, Howie Epstein, Horst Buchholz, Michael Jeter, Edwin Starr, Little Eva, Nina Simone, "Miss Elizabeth" Hulette, Noel Redding, Dave DeBusschere, Robert Stack, Sloan Wilson, Mickie Most, Freddie Blassie, David Brinkley, Gregory Peck, Hume Cronyn, Asa Baber, Larry Doby, Roger Neilson, Leon Uris, Lester Maddox, Strom Thurmond, Joan Lowery Nixon, Buddy Hackett, Herbie Mann, Barry White, Buddy Ebsen, Celia Cruz, Uday Hussein, Qusay Hussein, Gregory Hines, Herb Brooks, Idi Amin, and Charles Bronson have always been dead.

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Through a Freshman's Eyes, War on Terror Edition

Better late than never, I give you my annual mindset list. In a way, the lives of this year's high school seniors so far have been bookended by tragedy. They were born in the wake of the 9/11 attacks, and are now matriculating during an out of control pandemic. Their entire lives, all 18 years or so, have been surrounded by some level of uncertainty, and above all I'm sorry your final semester of high school didn't go according to plan.

If you are a graduating senior...

...September 11th has always been a national holiday.
...we have always been at war with Afghanistan.
...Iraq, Iran, and North Korea have always been referred to as the "Axis of Evil."
...Enron has always been insolvent.
...Andrea Yates has always been in prison.
...eBay has always owned Paypal.
...Google has always had an image search option.
...you have never seen, used, or heard of a beeper.
...Halle Berry's name has always been preceeded by "Academy Award Winner."
...Jimmy Carter is better known as a Nobel Peace Prize winner than as a politician.
...people have always complained that there are too many reality shows on TV.
...Fox News Channel has always been the #1 cable news network.
...all cable news channels have always had a news scroll on the bottom of the screen.
...Adult Swim has always aired after dark on Cartoon Network.
...the only time you've seen Will Ferrell on SNL was on some old DVD.
...there has never been an NBA team in Vancouver, British Columbia.
...the New England Patriots have always been a Super Bowl contender.
...the Houston Texans have always been in the NFL, and there have always been eight four-team divisions.
...George Harrison, Nigel Hawthorne, Dorothy McGuire, Issac Stern, Ken Kesey, Foster Brooks, Troy Donahue, Lance Loud, Dick Schaap, Avery Schreiber, Dave Thomas from Wendy's, Michael Bilandic, Peggy Lee, Night Train Lane, Daniel Pearl, Waylon Jennings, Princess Margaret, The Queen Mother, Lawrence Tierney, Chuck Jones, Spike Milligan, Robert Urich, Billy Wilder, Milton Berle, Dudley Moore, Justice Byron White, Left Eye Lopes, Seattle Slew, Dave Berg, Stephen Jay Gould, Sam Snead, John Gotti, Jack Buck, Darryl Kile, Ann Landers, John Entwistle, Pete Grey, Ted Williams, Rod Steiger, Alan Lomax, Leo McKern, Chaim Potok, Chick Hearn, Hoyt Wilhelm, Rosemary Clooney, and Lionel Hampton have always been dead.

For reference here's last year's list.

Next Week: back to topical commentary. I fully acknowledge that a lot has happened, and I'm still processing my thoughts.

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Random Notes, December 2019

Happy holidays, all 20 of you:

+ Any hope for removing Donald Trump from office will die in the senate. Even though the impeachment has relatively coasted through the Democrat-controlled House of Representatives --on partisan lines, naturally-- its hard to imagine anyone in the historically unilateral GOP to flip on Trump. History will serve the House Democrats well, but the nation and government alike are polarized. If anything, this will potentially shape up the 2020 election as a feast for incumbents; both the left and right have galvanized their bases, like happy warriors for their respective causes. At least now Trump has the stigma of not being able to be pardoned.

+ I still can't quite make heads or tails of the Bears' rollercoaster season. Perhaps the hype was too much, I don't think any one person or party is to blame. I suppose some of the onus lies on Mitch Trubisky, a capable but admittedly inconsistent quarterback. The defense did their job, as long as Khalil Mack was healthy. Matt Nagy was brilliant one second and confounding the next. At the same time, the Packers and Vikings both improved their respective defenses, and if you look at the big picture, all three teams were just wailing on the Lions. Onward to 2020, I suppose.

+ I haven't seen Episode IX yet, and I have no inclination to see "Cats." No spoilers please, and thank you for asking.

In a Few Days: the year in music, 2019.

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Through a Fifth Freshman's Eyes

May already? Where did the first third of the year go?

It's already prom season at most of the local high schools, which means graduation is in a few weeks. As I've done in past years, I've written a list that offers the world perspective of the average American high school senior, most of whom were born in either 1996 or 1997. This was inspired (or ripped off, depending on your perspective) by the "mindset list" that Beloit College releases every year. Here goes:

If you're a graduating senior...

...Hong Kong has always been part of China.
...you're used to a woman being U.S. Secretary of State.
...divorce has always been legal in Ireland.
...scientists have always been cloning farm animals.
...NASA has always been able to explore Mars.
...there has always been at least one electric car on American highways.
...there have always been Asian long-horned beetles on American soil.
...Ellen Degeneres has always been openly gay.
...you've never had a combo meal at Burger Chef.
...you've never shopped at Venture, Woolworth's, Handy Andy, Thrift Drug, or Omni Superstore.
...Steve Jobs was never been associated with any company besides Apple.
...the Freedom of Information Act has always been in effect.
...the Dow Jones Industrial Average has never been below 6,000.
...there has never been a hotel in Las Vegas called the Hacienda.
...you don't understand why '90s kids much such a big deal out of "The Simpsons."
..."South Park" and Toonami have always been on TV.
...TV has always had parental guidance ratings.
...TV has always had those little watermarks on the lower corner of the screen that tells you which network you're watching.
...Bryant Gumbel has never hosted "Today," and Bob Saget has never hosted "America's Funniest Home Videos."
...The Disney Channel has always been a basic cable channel (as opposed to, say, HBO or Showtime).
...Kobe Bryant has always played in the NBA.
...Gregg Popovich has always been head coach of the San Antonio Spurs.
...you have likely never attended a Hartford Whalers game, and there has always been an NHL team in North Carolina.
...the Florida --er, Miami-- Marlins have a tendency to win championships, then completely disembowel the team shortly after.
...Tupac Shakur, Spiro Agnew, Morey Amsterdam, Eva Cassidy, Tiny Tim, Pete Rozelle, Carl Sagan, JonBenet Ramsey, Townes Van Zandt, Deng Xiaoping, Biggie Smalls, Willem de Kooning, Allen Ginsberg, Laura Nyro, Blackstone the magician, Gianni Versace, Robert Mitchum, Jimmy Stewart, Charles Kuralt, Fela Kuti, William S. Burroughs, Brandon Tartikoff, Princess Diana, and Mother Teresa have always been dead.

Am I missing anything? I'm asking in earnest, but I understand if you don't want to add to this blighted nostalgia trip.

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Through a Third Freshman's Eyes

Get ready to feel old again!

For the third year in a row, I present my assumptive Mindset List for graduating high school kids/incoming college freshmen. This year's high school grads were born in late 1994 or early-to-mid 1995, mere preschoolers at the turn of the millennium. I can't speak on behalf of Americans ten years my junior (!) and these observations may not be totally representative of all 18-year-olds, but it's certainly something to wrap your head around. Besides, why should we wait for Beloit College's annual list in three months?

(NOTE: if anything may appear to be missing, I was just trying to avoid overlap from last year's list. Click here for said blog entry.)

With that said, if you are an incoming college freshman...

...there has never been an Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building.
...with the exception of a four-year gap in the late 2000s, the GOP has always controlled the House of Representatives.
...women have always been able to captain a space shuttle.
...your British friends have never invested in Barings Bank.
...Michael Jordan has only retired twice.
...there has always been at least one NBA team in Canada.
...there has never been an NFL team in Los Angeles, but there's always been one in northern Florida.
...Kevin Garnett, Jerry Stackhouse, and Kurt Thomas have always played in the NBA.
...the Major League Baseball season has never been shortened by, nor subjected to, a strike or work stoppage.
...you have never seen a sporting event inside Chicago Stadium or Boston Garden.
...the San Francisco 49ers have never won a Super Bowl.
...Cal Ripken Jr. has always owned the record for all-time consecutive games played.
...Connie Chung has never co-anchored the CBS Nightly News.
...you never saw Chris Farley or Adam Sandler on Saturday Night Live.
...classic kids' shows like "Ghostwriter," "Legends of the Hidden Temple," and "Tiny Toon Adventures" have existed only in repeats.
...Jon Stewart has never been on any cable channel besides Comedy Central.
...Jay Leno has always beaten David Letterman in the ratings.
...you have never had a sip of Coke II, and you don't know what it used to be called.
...you have never seen a first-class postage stamp below 30 cents.
...Mickey Mantle, Jerry Garcia, Ginger Rogers, Selena, Ed Flanders, Michael O'Donoghue, Shannon Hoon, Easy E, Wolfman Jack, Orville Redenbacher, Peter Cook, Donald Pleasance, Elizabeth Montgomery, Dr. Jonas Salk, and Bob "Happy Trees" Ross have always been dead.
..."The Far Side" and "Calvin & Hobbes" have never run in your local newspaper.
...you've probably never read a newspaper.

If you have anything else to add, let me know. Writing these lists are both inspiring and depressing.

My Last Blog of 2010

When you think about it, 2010 went by like a blur. I guess time flies by when you're fruitlessly mailing and e-mailing resumes to prospective employers. In all seriousness though, with the exorbitant amount of free time I had during the Summer and Fall of 2010, it doesn't seem like the year is almost over. From a media perspective, it was a year of buzzwords: from Eyjafjallajökull to "refudiate," from vuvuzela to WikiLeaks, it was a solid 12-month span for gibberish and foreign proper names. It was a great year for pop culture --especially TV and music-- and a terrible year for almost everything else. (Forgive me if this blog seems a little slipshod; there's so much to reminisce about and too little time to express it.)

THE BEST TV SHOWS OF 2010

1. "Mad Men," AMC. Jon Hamm was runner-up for EW's Entertainer of the Year, and for good reason. Besides two strong outings on SNL and a dilligent performance in The Town, his portrayal of enigmatic '60s ad exec Don Draper has nearly made him a TV icon for our time. The show itself has also benefitted with Hamm at its center, turning out a somewhat polarizing season of bravura performances and clever writing. Notable Episodes: "The Rejected," "The Suitcase," "The Beautiful Girls."
2. "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Comedy Central. As inherently political as TDS might be, the show is first and foremost a parody and skewering of a mass media that can't bother to be objective anymore. People have caught on, too: on any given night, Jon and his "correspondents" are pummeling Leno and Letterman in the ratings. Notable Episodes: TDS doesn't really have episode titles --it's a talk show, mind you-- but there's plenty of clips on Hulu, YouTube et al. that prove my point.
3. "Parks & Recreation," NBC. With "The Office" slowly fading into the sunset, P&R has become Thursday night's best and most underappreciated comedy. Amy Poehler earned a well-deserved Emmy nomination as eager small-town bureaucrat Leslie Knope, but Nick Offerman and Aziz Ansari were snubbed outright. If only more people would catch on... Notable Episodes: "Sweetums," "Telethon," "The Master Plan."
4. "Modern Family," ABC. No show balances laughs with low-key charm quite like the blended Pritchett clan. It's a family sitcom at heart, though not always family-friendly, but honest and grounded enough to keep you tuned in. Few shows have ever captured the complicated dynamic of a strong, lasting marriage quite like Mod-Fam. Notable Episodes: "Airport 2010," "Strangers on a Treadmill," "Halloween."
5. "Community," NBC. Talk about patience and perseverance: I put this show on my best of 2009 list on the heels of two strong episodes following an uneven start. I'm relieved to know that my praise was a sign of things to come, as "Community" has really come into its own in the past calendar year. "Modern Family" notwithstanding, this show has quite possibly the best comedy ensemble on television. Notable Episodes: "Modern Warfare," "The Psychology of Letting Go," "Epidemiology."

Honorable Mentions: "Boardwalk Empire," HBO; "In Treatment," HBO.

Best Show That I Need to Start Watching on a Regular Basis: "Breaking Bad," AMC.

Best Random Guest Appearance: Norman Lloyd on "Modern Family." Forget about Betty White for a moment-- it's a marvel that the 96-year-old thespian still manages to nab steady work. Best known as the last surviving member of Orson Welles' Mercury Theater players and as Dr. Auschlander on "St. Elsewhere," Lloyd is a living legend that 90% of the populace knows nothing about. I almost didn't notice him when I saw the "Manny Get Your Gun" episode, which either says something about Lloyd's advanced age or his workman-like ability to disappear into a role.

Worst Random Guest Appearance: Justin Bieber on "CSI." Do I really need to explain this?

Worst Show of 2010: "Bridalplasty," E! Aspiring brides-to-be compete for boob jobs and facelifts in a narcissistic, disturbing, and altogether sad mash-up of "The Swan" and "Say Yes to the Dress." Case evidence of reality television and their obsession with the lowest common denominator.
Runner-Up: "Outsourced," NBC. If this were halfway decent, I would've forgave NBC for handing Park & Rec's time slot to this culture-clash single-camera comedy. Instead, "Outsourced" is more or less the Indian "Amos n' Andy," playing to stereotypes about spicy food, funny accents, and polytheism like a New Dehli minstrel show. Saying this show is an accurate depiction of an Indian workplace is like saying Sbarro is the cutting edge of Italian cuisine.

THE YEAR IN NEWS
　
My Favorite Political Cartoon of 2010: This.

In Memoriam: Miep Gies, J.D. Salinger, Eric Rohmer, Doug Fieger, T-Bone Wolk, Merlin Olsen, Lynn Redgrave, Dennis Hopper, Sen. Robert Byrd, Lena Horne, Ronnie James Dio, Rue McClanahan, Alex Chilton, Andy Hummel, John Wooden, Gloria Stuart, Greg Giraldo, Robert Schimmel, Tony Curtis, Jill Clayburgh, Barbara Billingsley, Tom Bosley, Leslie Nielsen, Dino DeLaurentiis, Elizabeth Edwards, Ted Sorensen, Maurice Lucas, Pat Burns, George "Sparky" Anderson, Bob Feller, "Dandy Don" Meredith, Roy Neuberger, Richard Holbrooke, Steve Landesberg, Blake Edwards, Teena Marie, Gardner Kissick, and "Still Bill" Johnson.

Finally, because I haven't posted any in awhile, here's a couple of Top 5 lists to wrap up the year.

Five Obscure Monty Python References That Might Work as Names for Bands:
1. Hovercraft of Eels
2. Whicker's World
3. The Machine That Goes Bing
4. Kamikaze Highlander
5. Toad the Wet Sprocket*

Five Tips for Aspiring Grad School Students:
1. You have at least six bodily fluids you can donate to pay for tuition
2. If the school crest has a bottle of trucker pills on it, you're in good hands
3. Don't be afraid to consider moving far away to earn your masters or doctorate, as you will never see your friends and family anyway
4. As impressive as the publication of your epic research paper might be, it won't score you a free Whopper at Burger King
5. There is a growing perception in American culture that baccalaureate degrees are "the new high school diploma" since in the last 25 years, job growth has stagnated for Americans that stopped their education with a bachelor's, so imagine how far that masters will get you in the long run

SEE YOU IN 2011!