The Year in TV, 2015

As TV Club put it so eloquently a few weeks ago, we have achieved "peak TV." Not only is it impossible to watch every TV show you hear about, it's now possible that your list of favorite current TV shows will bear no resemblance to your friends'. It also occured to me that the number of network shows I watch has dropped axiomatically; most of the shows I watched five or six years ago have either depreciated in quality or have faded into the sunset. (Not SNL, which is starting to find a groove after that awkward cast transition two seasons ago.) Juggling that with the surplus of options on basic cable, premium cable, and streaming serves only to cut further into the entertainment pie that ABC, CBS, and NBC domineered just three short decades ago. If you only have a converter box or subscribe to Hulu or Netflix without owning a TV, then your list is going to look vastly different from mine.

Here's my top five for 2015:

1. The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix. Tonal issues aside, this might have been the most revelatory new comedy of the year. A 29-year-old woman (played with positive gusto by Ellie Kemper) escapes an Ariel Castro-meets-Warren Jeffs scenario and creates a new life in New York City.  It doesn't work as a "hangout" or "workplace" or even "family" sitcom nor wants to do so; it's a witty comedy about a woman reinventing herself and the makeshift group of people that support her along the way. Memorable Episodes: "Kimmy Goes Outside!" (pilot), "Kimmy Goes to School!," "Kimmy Goes to Court!"

2. Mad Men, AMC. The admen of Sterling Cooper & Associates --er, uh, McCann Erickson-- entered the 1970s in one piece but not worse for wear. The cultural changes and personal strife they battled in the previous decade (and 6 1/2 seasons) completely altered the lives of everyone in the agency, from the aging rascal Roger Sterling to hapless short-timers like Mathis. At its core, however this was the story of how Don Draper found peace within himself. Memorable Episodes: the final half-season only had seven episodes, all of which were exquisite, but "Lost Horizon" was probably the true masterpiece of the bunch.

3. Broad City, Comedy Central. The dynamic duo of Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson were not deterred by hype or lofty expections, and even if the show went down a peg or two from last year's list, season two goes toe-to-toe with the highest peaks of season one. Casting Susie Essman as Ilana's mother was a brilliant move. Memorable Episodes: "In Heat," "Knockoffs," "Coat Check"

4. Bob's Burgers, Fox. If it isn't broken, don't fix it. That old saying rings true for the continuing low-scale misadventures of the Belcher clan, who are now halfway through Season 6 and just keep doing whatever they've been doing since the beginning. That's not to say there wasn't growth or progress: Tina finally got over Jimmy Jr., and Bob isn't as much of a sad-sack as he used to be. Memorable Episodes: "Hawk and Chick," "Sliding Bobs," "Nice-Capades"

5. The Last Man on Earth, Fox. Speaking of ambitious, arguably the most off-kilter show on network television right now is a showcase for the unique comedy talents of SNL alum Will Forte. Equally bleak and uproarious, LMOE is the story of an immature also-ran (played by Forte) who somehow becomes of the last survivors of a virus, piecing together a new life in the unforgiving Arizona desert. Memorable Episodes: "Alive in Tucson," "Screw The Moon," "Silent Night"

Honorable Mentions: Childrens Hospital, Cartoon Network; Adventure Time, Cartoon Network; Review, Comedy Central.

Also, my five favorite TV moments:

1. Alcides Escobar's inside-the-park home run, Game 1, 2015 World Series. Were you expecting me to pick non-Royals related for my top pick? I could've chosen the Astros falling apart in Game 4 of the ALDS or the Mets' various bullpen failures, but the first Fall Classic inside-the-park tater since 1929, on the first pitch the Royals saw in the series, takes the cake. The Mets were behind the 8-ball literally the entire series.

2. Stephen Colbert interviews Joe Biden, The Late Show. The defining interview of Colbert's career arrived a mere three days after he took the reins of CBS' flagship late night talk show. As much as people wanted Vice President Biden to run for president, it was obvious from this deeply personal sitdown that his heart was somewhere else.

3. The "12 Angry Men" parody, Inside Amy Schumer. Paul Giamatti earned an Emmy nomination in this homage to the play and movie, a riotous rebuke of anyone who has criticized Schumer as being too portly or unattractive to carry a sketch comedy show. Schumer barely appears in this episode, but the roster of guest stars (Vincent Kartheiser, Dennis Quaid, and John Hawkes, among others) more then makes up for her off-camera seething.

4. David Letterman bids farewell, The Late Show. A talk show icon for not quite 35 years (a few months in daytime, then over 33 years in late night), Dave combined surrealism with realism and shattered the perception of the always cheerful host. After 5 1/2 weeks of greeting old friends and favorite guests, a decidedly unsentimental Dave gave the audience an earnest "thank you and good night" as a clip montage set to Foo Fighters' "Everlong" played him out.

5. "Meet Your Second Wife," Saturday Night Live. The best sketch of the calendar year somehow waited until the Christmas show. Hosted by Helen Walsh (co-host Amy Poehler) and "Tina Fey" (co-host Tina Fey), three unsuspecting contestants meet their trophy wives many years before their marriage. (A close second place goes to the alien abduction sketch from Gosling/Bridges.)

I'm still behind on my DVR, but I look forward to what 2016 offers on the small screen.

(503)

That Wonderful Year in Music... 2015

It seems hard to believe that 2015 is almost over, and even though the year went by fairly fast, it left behind some killer tunes.

All in all, this might have been the strongest year for music since 2010, maybe the best of the last decade. One guy had his hand in not only the best hip-hop album of the year, but the magnum opus jazz recording of his generation. Then the man who was front and center on said hip-hop album appeared in four of the most memorable music videos of the last 12 months. No-brainer picks and aligning stars aside, there was no way I could assemble an all-encompassing top 20 list; there were a lot of quality albums, songs, and clips that came out in '15, and there are still a few that I haven't heard all the way through yet (sorry, Adele) and after being overwhelmed by the surplus of options I broke everything down the way I always do: by ranking the very best in descending order.

BEST ALBUMS

1. To Pimp a Butterfly, Kendrick Lamar. It was clear three years ago (on his breakthrough, Good Kid, M.A.A.D City) that this prodigal child of Compton was not content with recording music so much as making statements. Butterfly sets the bar high; hardly any social issue is left unscathed, and where Good Kid could be accused of over-explaining, Lamar makes you connect the dots. Lamar clearly idolizes Tupac Shakur, and on the epic closing track the two men have a simulated conversation. His final question is left unanswered, a fitting ending to an album that offers no easy answers.
2. No Cities to Love, Sleater-Kinney. As AV Club stated recently, “It’s no surprise that (their) first record since returning from their extended hiatus is as good as everything else in their catalog.” This reunion was not based in commerce, but rather in unfinished business; the long, long-awaited follow-up to 2005’s The Woods takes the sonic explorations even further, and in doing so became even more empowered.
3. Art Angels, Grimes. Following 2012’s sublime Visions, where was speculation over whether Vancouver-bred flibbertigibbet Claire Boucher would ever record or release more music. Despite all that drama with her music label (among other things), it is both borderline miraculous that Grimes recorded not only a fourth album, but one that nearly eclipsed Visions in ambition and scope.
4. Carrie & Lowell, Sufjan Stevens
5. I Love You Honeybear, Father John Misty
6. Short Movie, Laura Marling
7. Star Wars, Wilco
8. Vulnicura, Bjork
9. Sometimes I Sit and Think, and Sometimes I Just Sit, Courtney Barnett*
10. Goon, Tobias Jesso Jr. One of the best debut albums of 2015 was also as a low-key, under the radar gem. The musical motifs float from one track to another, but the themes are weighty; the aftermath of a nasty breakup haunts Jesso, and his mother is battling cancer. Put together, it’s a haunting record with a sparse sound, at times evokes the likes of Randy Newman and early Elton John. The world is conspiring against Jesso, and the piano is his best weapon.
11. Ivy Tripp, Waxahatchee
12. In Colour, Jamie XX
13. Depression Cherry, Beach House
14. Return to the Moon, El-Vy -
15. FFS, Franz Ferdinand & Sparks. This unlikely collaboration raised a few eyebrows in 2015 but really shouldn’t have; the Mael brothers and the “Take Me Out” guys have been friends and conspirators for years. In some ways, Alex Kapranos and company were the crackerjack backing band the Maels haven’t had in nearly three decades. In this thrilling co-dependency, Franz Ferdinand was lifted from a creative mini-slump, and Sparks recorded their most interesting work in some time. Like triple-sec vodka chased by Mountain Dew, FFS should have been weird and gross but worked almost effortlessly.
16. Viet Cong, Viet Cong
17. Panda Bear Vs. the Grim Reaper, Panda Bear
18. New Bermuda, Sunbather
19. Momentary Masters, Albert Hammond Jr.
20. Natalie Prass, Natalie Prass. Let me begin with my sole complaint about this Nashville singer-songwriter’s debut solo album: it’s too short. At nine tracks and 39 minutes, Prass is tight and concise yet charming in a sultry sort of way. A former member of Jenny Lewis’ backing band, Prass set out to create a thoroughly American, 1970s throwback of a country-rock record, right down to the somewhat abbreviated running time. In the end, she left everyone clamoring for more.

Honorable Mention, EP Division: Another One, Mac DeMarco.

*Remember my 2014 list? I told you so.

Best Metal Album: Luminiferous, High on Fire. Matt Pike is a very paranoid fellow. Long regarded (or chided) as a man of esoteric hobbies, Pike’s beliefs have mutated into full-blown conspiracy theories. That yen for tinfoil hats fuels Luminiferous, HOF’s most focused album in some time. The rhythm section is unpredictable and complex, and even if you can’t stand Pike’s prattling on about huffing chemtrails or how 9/11 was an inside job, his focus and anger are pinpoint.

Honorable Mention: Sol Invictus, Faith No More.

Best Jazz Album: The Epic, Kamasi Washington. I just couldn't ignore the elephant in the room. In this case, it was the sprawling, ambitious 3-CD set that Washington dropped in the early summer. It’s impossible to digest in one sitting, and that’s fine; Washington did not record this with “binge-listening” in mind. This triptych is accessible yet thoroughgoing, so rich with ideas that almost don’t even notice him reinterpreting Debussy’s “Clair de Lune” on disc three.

Honorable Mentions: Sylva, Snarky Puppy with Metropole Orkest; Plus Joshua Redman, The Bad Plus.

BEST SINGLES

"All Day," Kanye West

"Don't Wanna Fight," Alabama Shakes

"Things Happen,” Dawes

"Sedona," Houndmouth

"Simple Machine," Guster

“Outta My Mind,” The Arcs

"To Die in L.A." Lower Dens

"74 is the New 24," Giorgio Moroder

"S.O.B." Nathaniel Rateliff & The Nightsweats

"Smooth Sailin'," Leon Bridges

"Dreams," Beck

"Nightlight," Silversun Pickups

"Sister of Pearl," Baio

“The Party Line,” Belle and Sebastian

“Falling from the Sky,” Calexico

BEST VIDEOS

1. “Bad Blood,” Taylor Swift. I’m sure you’re giving me a weird look right now, but “event” videos like this don’t really come around that often anymore. It’s a well-edited action-adventure movie in miniature, with a plethora of cameos by the likes of Lena Dunham, Ronda Rousey, and Cindy Crawford. The “squad” mindset of the video also became a cultural sensation while Swifty --er, “Catastrophe”-- toured the world in the Summer of 2015. Also, hi Kendrick Lamar!
2. "For Free (Interlude)," Kendrick Lamar. Why Kendrick had a killer year, part two. “This. Dick. Ain't. Freeeeeee…”
3. "Alright," Kendrick Lamar. Why Kendrick had a killer year, part three. Where "For Free" is both pointed and lighthearted, "Alright" is gritty with absurdist flourishes. It’s almost hard to believe that this clip was helmed by Colin Tilley, who also directed Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda.”
4. "King Kunta," Kendrick Lamar. Why Kendrick had a killer year, part four. This is a deconstruction of the generic hip-hop “good life” video, with the slick cars and the bodacious, scantily-clad women. I have arrived, Kendrick declares, but never take anything for granted. Also, bring the yams.
5. "A New Wave," Sleater-Kinney. The Belcher brood from "Bob's Burgers" wig out to Carrie Brownstein and company on a standout track from the above-mentioned No Cities to Love.
6. "Pedestrian at Best," Courtney Barnett. Old awards or not, some of us just aren't meant to be clowns for the long term.
7. "Pendulum," FKA twigs. "Hey FKA, what's new?" "Oh, just hangin'."
8. “Anna” (Emma Stone version), Will Butler. The first clip produced for the Arcade Fire bassist’s first solo single was fine enough; it was a relatively basic “lyric video” of him shuffling his feet in a dimly lit field. The second video was more viral-friendly; Stone dances Ernst Lubitsch-style on a cruise ship with several beefcake sailors in what Rolling Stone perceived as an update of Fatboy Slim’s “Weapon of Choice.”
9. "Make You Better," The Decemberists. Anything that has a lovelorn Nick Offerman feigning a German accent on a Rockpalest-type music program is a contender in my book.
10. "Let It Happen," Tame Impala. Does a heart attack really feel like that?

Honorable Mentions: "Ghosts," Ibeyi; “Norf Norf,” Vince Staples; "Johnny Delusional," FFS (Franz Ferdinand and Sparks); "Hello," Adele.

Your thoughts?

First Responder

This has been, at least on a personal level, a lousy summer.

From March until early August, I held down a temp position at a company that does billing for ambulance services. In the five months I was there, I witnessed a 90% turnover by the staff, near-constant drama (both within the workspace and pre-existing) from certain co-workers, unprecedented managerial incompetence, and a general dearth of "book smarts" in a situation where "street smarts" didn't always suffice. From a personal perspective it was consistent work and challenging without being overwhelming, but the office environment uniquely chaotic.

I'm not sure if I could pinpoint an exact low point in this ocean of drama. Within two weeks of when I started, I had to take a personal day for my father's doctor's appointment. On the day I was gone, there was a catfight in the break room, the woman who trained me on a profanity-laced tirade, the ladies' restroom was trashed, and another woman went into false labor. I came back that next day to see 10% of the desks in the office vacated and a thick air of tension. The manager warned repeatedly before and after "The St. Patrick's Day Massacre" that the drama stays outside the office, but the revolving door of personnel never made that possible.

After about three months in the office, I was put on a special project. I had been working on billing, but they were shifting more people into processing insurance claims. There was a group of 12 or 13 of us assigned to work on three agencies in the Atlanta metro area; about a third of us had to be trained on how to do insurance. There were some growing pains, but in general the people who were transferred into this project were doing okay. The corporate office in Phoenix wasn't impressed, so we were summoned into a conference call meeting one Friday afternoon. They pointed out one mistake after another, some obvious and others that were close calls. One member of the team took an error personally and after the call ended she nearly started crying. Then another member of the team started talking about her troubled teenage son, and the whole thing turned into a therapy session. Suffice to say, it was uncomfortable and preposterous.

Then, on August 4th, it abruptly ended. I was sitting in the parking lot checking my messages when I received a phone call from my temp agency. The fact that they were calling when they did was not a good sign, and my suspicions were confirmed soon after. Initially the company claimed that I had nodded off at my desk --a false and damning allegation-- but they reiterated I wasn't a good fit. I was now a free agent again, forced to budget my money while I was stuck at home with two sick parents. I had hoped to take a road trip or some kind of mini-vacation, but circumstances quashed that quickly. I adore warm weather, but this was one summer where the heat did me no favors.

(491)

32 Teams, 32 Haiku, My 2015 NFL Preview

If the ringing of school bells and an unusual late August cold snap haven't made it obvious, summer is more or less over. That also means football season is right around the corner. Here is my annual forecast, 17 syllables at a time:

AFC NORTH
1. Bengals (10-6). Dalton, Green, and crew/have the experience to/leave playoffs early.
2. Ravens (9-7). Defensive upgrades/were a plus; tough road matchups/are the X-factor.
3. Steelers (8-8). Young and dangerous/Big Ben is on the clock now/solid dark horse pick.
4. Browns (5-11). Weakest among weak/the Manziel drama distracts/great O-line squandered.

AFC EAST
1. Patriots (11-5). Deflated footballs/a temporary setback/playoffs are a lock.
2. Dolphins* (10-6). A sleeper, perhaps/a scary passing attack/might usurp the Pats.
3. Bills (7-9). Knowing Rex Ryan/the defense will do its job/but who's the QB?
4. Jets (4-12). New coach, more drama/after big moves, disarray/is Gang Green diseased?

AFC SOUTH
1. Colts (13-3). Luck? More like fortune/in weak division, triumph/and maybe a ring.
2. Texans (8-8). Foster and Hopkins/carry the O; JJ Watt/carries Lone Star dreams.
3. Titans (5-11). Mariota? STUD/but there's little else to gloat/about in Nashville.
4. Jaguars (3-13). Offseason chaos/for an already bad team/makes great comedy.

AFC WEST
1. Broncos (12-4). Weary old Peyton/is surrounded by enough/to contend once more.
2. Chiefs* (10-6). The talent's there, but/the receivers need touchdowns/playmakers, step up!
3. Chargers (8-8). A potent offense/has many Rivers to cross/if playoffs are goal.
4. Raiders (4-12). Last year in Oakland?/Question marks abound, although/the youth shows promise.

NFC NORTH
1. Packers (11-5). Losing Jordy hurts/but Rodgers will persevere/in the land of cheese.
2. Vikings (9-7). Teddy and All Day/on paper, a lethal pair/but unknowns linger.
3. Lions (8-8). A boy named Suh, gone/in comes Haloti Ngata/a small step backwards.
4. Bears (6-10). Adieu, weak Trestman/sly Fox picks up the pieces/but Jay doesn't care.

NFC EAST
1. Eagles (11-5). Uh... hi, Tim Tebow/you and Bradford might tag-team/Kelly, mad genius?
2. Cowboys* (10-6). Besides running back/there's less uncertainty here/Randle might break out.
3. Giants (7-9). Odell's theatrics/will be a fun distraction/on a middling team.
4. Redskins (5-11). Gruden and Griffin/squabble; if you thought Congress/couldn't get work done...

NFC SOUTH
1. Panthers (9-7). Victors by default/a stingy defense beclouds/a suspect run game.
2. Falcons (8-8). Matty Ice is fine/but the D needs work A-SAP/will guru Quinn help?
3. Saints (6-10). Age and attrition/an overhaul looms, but don't/undervalue Brees.
4. Buccaneers (4-12). Winston is smokin'/...or so he thinks; growing pains/for jejune pirates.

NFC WEST
1. Seahawks (12-4). The 12th man matters/mostly unchanged, they'll conquer/Big Russ won't back down.
2. Cardinals* (10-6). Overachievers?/I disagree; these Redbirds/have many weapons.
3. 49ers (7-9). A mass exodus/an empire in tatters/but they might compete.
4. Rams (5-11). A healthy QB/is a godsend, but playoffs/would be a surprise.

OTHER PICKS:
NFL MVP: JJ Watt, Texans
Offensive ROY: Amari Cooper, Raiders
Defensive ROY: Landon Collins, Giants
First Head Coach Fired: Gus Bradley, Jaguars
Super Bowl L: Seahawks 24, Colts 19

(490)

My 10th Annual Fantasy Emmy Ballot

Technically, the 2014-15 TV season doesn't officially end until June 1st. With scripted programming now running more or less year-round, early June is the thin red line for Emmy contention. It has been both a transitional and bountiful year, with longstanding Emmy favorites either bowing out and fading into old age, which a bumper crop of quality programming ready to gobble up some hardware. The nominees won't be announced for another six weeks, but I've never been afraid to jump the gun.

Supporting Actress, Comedy: Mayam Bialik, The Big Bang Theory; Julie Bowen, Modern Family; Anna Chlumsky, Veep; Allison Janney, Mom; Judith Light, Transparent; Kate McKinnon, SNL.
Supporting Actor, Comedy: Andre Braugher, Brooklyn Nine-Nine; Tituss Burgess, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt; Ty Burrell, Modern Family; Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family; Tony Hale, Veep; Steve Zissis, Togetherness.
Supporting Actress, Drama: Christine Baranski, The Good Wife; Christina Hendricks, Mad Men; Kate Mulgrew, Orange is the New Black; Dame Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey; Sissy Spacek, Bloodline; Cecily Tyson, How to Get Away With Murder.
Supporting Actor, Drama: Jonathan Banks, Better Call Saul; Jim Carter, Downton Abbey; Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones; Vincent Kartheiser, Mad Men; Mandy Patinkin, Homeland; John Slattery, Mad Men.

Lead Actress, Comedy: Lena Dunham, Girls; Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie; Ellie Kemper, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt; Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep; Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly; Amy Poehler, Parks & Recreation.
Lead Actor, Comedy: Louie C.K. Louie; Don Cheadle, House of Lies; Matt LeBlanc, Episodes; William H. Macy, Shameless; Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory; Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent.
Lead Actress, Drama: Viola Davis, How to Get Away With Murder; Taraji P. Henson, Empire; Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife; Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men; Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin; Kerry Washington, Scandal.
Lead Actor, Drama: Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom; Jon Hamm, Mad Men; Terrence Howard, Empire; Bob Odenkirk, Better Call Saul; Kevin Spacey, House of Cards; Dominic West, The Affair.

Best Limited Series*: "American Crime," ABC; "American Horror Story: Freak Show," FX; "The Honorable Woman," BBC/PBS; "Olive Kitteridge," HBO; "Texas Rising," The History Channel.
Best Comedy Series: "Louie," FX; "Modern Family," ABC; "Silicon Valley," HBO; "Transparent," Amazon Prime; "The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt," Netflix; "Veep," HBO.
Best Drama Series: "Downton Abbey," BBC/PBS; "Game of Thrones," HBO; "House of Cards," Netflix; "Mad Men," AMC; "Masters of Sex," Showtime; "Orange is the New Black," Netflix.

*new category for miniseries and limited-run shows

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Through a Fifth Freshman's Eyes

May already? Where did the first third of the year go?

It's already prom season at most of the local high schools, which means graduation is in a few weeks. As I've done in past years, I've written a list that offers the world perspective of the average American high school senior, most of whom were born in either 1996 or 1997. This was inspired (or ripped off, depending on your perspective) by the "mindset list" that Beloit College releases every year. Here goes:

If you're a graduating senior...

...Hong Kong has always been part of China.
...you're used to a woman being U.S. Secretary of State.
...divorce has always been legal in Ireland.
...scientists have always been cloning farm animals.
...NASA has always been able to explore Mars.
...there has always been at least one electric car on American highways.
...there have always been Asian long-horned beetles on American soil.
...Ellen Degeneres has always been openly gay.
...you've never had a combo meal at Burger Chef.
...you've never shopped at Venture, Woolworth's, Handy Andy, Thrift Drug, or Omni Superstore.
...Steve Jobs was never been associated with any company besides Apple.
...the Freedom of Information Act has always been in effect.
...the Dow Jones Industrial Average has never been below 6,000.
...there has never been a hotel in Las Vegas called the Hacienda.
...you don't understand why '90s kids much such a big deal out of "The Simpsons."
..."South Park" and Toonami have always been on TV.
...TV has always had parental guidance ratings.
...TV has always had those little watermarks on the lower corner of the screen that tells you which network you're watching.
...Bryant Gumbel has never hosted "Today," and Bob Saget has never hosted "America's Funniest Home Videos."
...The Disney Channel has always been a basic cable channel (as opposed to, say, HBO or Showtime).
...Kobe Bryant has always played in the NBA.
...Gregg Popovich has always been head coach of the San Antonio Spurs.
...you have likely never attended a Hartford Whalers game, and there has always been an NHL team in North Carolina.
...the Florida --er, Miami-- Marlins have a tendency to win championships, then completely disembowel the team shortly after.
...Tupac Shakur, Spiro Agnew, Morey Amsterdam, Eva Cassidy, Tiny Tim, Pete Rozelle, Carl Sagan, JonBenet Ramsey, Townes Van Zandt, Deng Xiaoping, Biggie Smalls, Willem de Kooning, Allen Ginsberg, Laura Nyro, Blackstone the magician, Gianni Versace, Robert Mitchum, Jimmy Stewart, Charles Kuralt, Fela Kuti, William S. Burroughs, Brandon Tartikoff, Princess Diana, and Mother Teresa have always been dead.

Am I missing anything? I'm asking in earnest, but I understand if you don't want to add to this blighted nostalgia trip.

(479)

30 Teams, 30 Haiku: My 2015 Baseball Preview

According to the latest issue of Beckett Sports Card Monthly, the card depicted above is worth about 50 cents. In my heart, however this card is priceless; it's a tangible reminder of last October, of the most unlikely of playoff runs, of a once-moribund franchise back in the national spotlight after decades of futility. An all-time classic tiebreaker against Oakland gave way to a small-ball manhandling of the Angels and Orioles and the third pennant in franchise history. The season may not have ended the way I would've liked --what Royals World Series isn't complete without a controversial call at first?-- and we're underdogs again in 2015, and my faith in the Boys in Blue hasn't wavered. Lowered expectations or not, this is the most excited I've been about a new baseball season in quite some time.

With that said, for the fourth year in a row I present my MLB forecast, 17 soma at a time (with asterisks noting wild cards):

NL EAST
1. Nationals. Bratty Bryce Harper/World Series hopes rest upon/your snotty shoulders.
2. Marlins*. Loria's pockets/run deep, but Giancarlo/needs to earn his keep.
3. Mets. Harvey and deGrom/young arms will play a role as/playoff dark horses.
4. Braves. The tomahawk chop/landed on payroll; these guys/are now rebuilding.
5. Phillies. Start the fire sale/Ryno in a china shop/a team in chaos.

NL CENTRAL
1. Cardinals. Waiting for Waino/injury-prone warrior/X-factor in red.
2. Cubs. Yes, they are improved/but there's too much youth, upside/to really contend.
3. Pirates. Ann-yo, Jung-Ho Kang/this Korean sensation/is no Bulgogi.
4. Brewers. Overachieving/explains the '14 collapse/reality looms.
5. Reds. Gambling on Votto/may as well be Lotto; health/is a big question.

NL WEST
1. Giants. Same fightin’ Giants/third baseman notwithstanding/they win as a team.
2. Dodgers*. What an overhaul/new faces, proven talent/”west coast Yankees” thrive.
3. Padres. Many big gambles/free agent champs, regular/season also-rans.
4. D-Backs. Front office cleanout/young guns, but without pitching/these Snakes won’t slither.
5. Rockies. Who gets injured first/Tulo, Cargo, or Morneau?/Who cares, they’re awful.

AL EAST
1. Orioles. Despite injuries/and free agent bloodletting/O’s find ways to win.
2. Red Sox*. Panda and Papi/linebackers, or infielders?/Also, who’s the ace?
3. Rays. Stockpiled pitching/their saving grace, after all/the talent they lost.
4. Blue Jays. Bountiful power/Russ Martin, Canuck backstop/handles weak pitchers.
5. Yankees. Bombers in last? Yes/A-Rod, unloved old juicer/is needled, bows out.

AL CENTRAL
1. Tigers. Atrocious bullpen/still lingers; can their power/make up for weak arms?
2. Royals. Reigning AL Champs/took a small step backwards; speed/and defense? Checkmate!
3. White Sox. Overnight rebuild/made Bridgeport heads spin; "LaRoche"/is French word for "Dunn."
4. Indians. SI cover jinx?/This Tribe will fight, but they are/far from contenders.
5. Twins. Hall of Fame skipper/thoroughly modern Molly/leads unproven bunch.

AL WEST
1. Mariners. Besides Nelson Cruz/this roster has few flaws; the/12th man of baseball?
2. Angels*. Giovatella/pale replacement for Kendrick/otherwise, watch out!
3. Athletics. Those poor pachyderms/sabermetrics can't explain/lack of impact bats.
4. Rangers. Injuries galore/the division has passed them/it's more than Yu need.
5. Astros. Young, fast, and rising/the galaxy's the limit/...if they're drama-free.

NL MVP: Giancarlo Stanton, Marlins
AL MVP: Mike Trout, Angels
NL Cy Young: Clayton Kershaw, Dodgers
AL Cy Young: Jered Weaver, Angels
NL ROY: Noah Syndergaard, Mets
AL ROY: Francisco Lindor, Indians
First Manager Fired: Terry Collins, Mets
2015 World Series: Mariners over Nationals in 6

Play ball!

Random Notes, January 2015

I've got politics on the mind:

+ I'm not that keen on Bruce Rauner, at least not yet. He still comes across as an out-of-touch millionaire who promises more than he can seemingly deliver. Either way, the first Republican Governor of Illinois in 12 years has his work cut for him, a bipartisan mess that dates back to the turn of the 21st century. Corruption has become an assumption in his office, and even though Rauner beat a weak, doddering incumbent he still needs to win Illinois' trust. The bar has been set fairly low.

+ Speaking of Illinois, we're about two months away from the next Chicago mayoral election. Rahm Emanuel has his detractors and rightfully so --especially given his inability to reduce street violence-- but his opponents for reelection are a hodgepodge. He's currently polling at 50%, and depending on whether any of his three challengers gain any momentum, the odds of him winning a second term are fittingly about 50/50.

+ Meanwhile, on a national level, this year's State of the Union was probably the most tangential address to Congress in recent memory. If you looked at it at face value, the speech was President Obama discussing job growth and domestic security while also defending his still-controversial overhaul of health care. If you read between the lines, Obama was discussing the next four years, and the long-term impact of his administration. With less than two years to go and a GOP-controlled ready to nix anything he puts in front of them, this might be the closest this president might ever get to another victory speech. The Obama years might seem like a mixed bag (or worse) but he doesn't seem to be giving up just yet.

(469)

Though a Freshman's Eyes

Unless there's been a major breakthrough in the Governator and "Weinergate" scandals that I don't know about, this has been a slow week in the news. Given that, I'd like to do something different this week. Every year, Beloit College in Wisconsin releases what they call "The Mindset List." It's intent is not to make Baby Boomers, Gen-Xers, or children of the '90s (*cough*) feel old, but to demonstrate the world view of a just-graduated high school senior. Maybe it's schadenfreude, but the Mindset List is also endlessly fascinating to read (Google it right now if you have some time to kill). The list for the fresh-faced Class of 2015 --i.e. children born in late 1992 and early 1993-- won't be released for a few more weeks, but out of curiousity I'd like to speculate as to what might make the cut.

With that said, if you are an incoming college freshman...

...there have always been cell phones, e-mail and the internet.

...Canada, Mexico, and the U.S. have always agreed to trade freely.

...you have never had to worry about getting nuked by the Russians.

...there has never been a Czechoslovakia or a Yugoslavia.

...there has never been a Branch Davidian Compound.

...the Pittsburgh Pirates have always sucked.

...a Canadian hockey team has never won the Stanley Cup, and a Canadian baseball team has never won the World Series. (In turn, there have always been MLB and NHL teams in the state of Florida.)

...you never saw Joe Montana play for the San Francisco 49ers or Mike Ditka coach for the Chicago Bears.

...Audrey Hepburn, Frank Zappa, Julio Gallo, and the guy who played Herman Munster have always been dead.

...there has never been a living member of the Three Stooges.

...Tom Hanks has always had the phrase "Academy Award Winner" precede his name in movie trailers.

...nobody in Palatine, IL ever dines at Brown's Chicken.

...however, there has always been a McDonald's, a Subway, and/or a Starbucks within walking distance from your house.

...you have never heard --or heard of-- the song "Cop Killer."

...Jay Leno has always been on NBC and David Letterman has always been on CBS.

..."Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" and its various incarnations have always been on the air.

...People magazine and The New Yorker has always been published in color.

...the United States Post Office has always been losing money.

...you have only known one President Bush.

Scary stuff, eh? Kinda makes you think. Don't worry though; next week I'll try to post something a little less cerebral.