Through a Freshman's Eyes: "Batman Begins" Edition

When I heard my Blackhawks had won the NFL Draft lottery, I was briefly taken aback when I learned the crown jewel of this year's class, Connor Bedard, was born in July 2005. It also means this year’s high school graduates and incoming college freshmen weren’t alive to see the first half of the 2000s. It’s hard to fathom that someone born five years after Y2K can now play Lotto or enlist in the military. 

With that said, if you are graduating, or have graduated, high school this month…

…Gmail and YouTube have always existed.

…King Charles III has always been married to Camilla.

…Prince Harry has never done Nazi cosplay.

…there has never been sectarian violence in Ireland.

…you always knew W. Mark Felt was Deep Throat. 

…you’ve never seen any Ukrainians wear orange.

…it has always been possible to clone dogs.

…Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, and Peter Jennings have never anchored a network news broadcast.

…Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were never married.

…Pink Floyd has never played live.

…Rich Hill has always played baseball.

…you have never attended a Montreal Expos baseball game.

…the New York Yankees have never blown a 3-0 series lead in the ALCS.

…there has never been an ugly lockout that wiped out an entire season of the NHL.

…you don’t know what the phrase “malice at the palace” has to do with basketball.

…”The Office” and “Avatar: The Last Airbender” have always been on TV.

…”Family Guy” was never canceled and “Doctor Who” has never been off the air.

…Johnny Ramone, Russ Meyer, Scott Muni, Richard Avedon, Joyce Jillson, Rodney Dangerfield, Janet Leigh, Ken Caminiti, Christopher Reeve, Pierre Salinger, Ray Boone, Anthony Hecht, Steig Larsson, Yassir Arafat, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Cy Coleman, Ed Paschke, Dimebag Darrell, Johnny Oates, Jerry Orbach, Will Eisner, Virginia Mayo, Johnny Carson, Vicky LaMotta, John Vernon, Max Schmeling, Ossie Davis, Arthur Miller, Dick Weber, John Raitt, Hunter S. Thompson, John DeLorean, Barney Martin, Johnnie Cochran, Mitch Hedberg, Frank Perdue, Terry Schiavo, Pope John Paul II, Saul Bellow, Dale Messick, Debralee Scott, Prince Rainier III, Percy Heath, Herb Sargent, animator Joe Grant, Thurl Ravenscroft, Eddie Albert, Oscar Brown Jr., George Mikan, Anne Bancroft, Lane Smith, Paul Winchell, Shelby Foote, Luther Vandross, Admiral James Stockdale, James “Scotty” Doohan, Hildegarde, Ted “Double Duty” Radcliffe, and Robert Moog have always been dead.

If I allegedly missed anything, here’s last year’s list.

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Through a Freshman's Eyes: Millennium Edition

[Ed. note: I'm doing this a little earlier than usual this year. You'll see why in my next post.]

Another graduation season looms. For the eighth year in a row, and as the time gap between my high school graduation and this year's class widens, I am reminded not only of my lurching obsolescence, but also the variance in perspective. The scary part, and something to bear in mind as you read this year's list, is that the current crop of high school seniors have no recollection of the 20th century. In fact, about two-thirds of them were born after Saturday, January 1st, 2000.

With that said, if you are a graduating senior...

...Bashar al-Assad has always been President of Syria.
...Vladimir Putin has always been "President" of Russia.
...Elián González has always lived in Cuba.
...Hillary Clinton has always been the politician in the family.
...your parents' PC has never had issues with being "compliant."
...you have vague childhood memories of a phone-like device called a Blackberry.
...music has always been downloadable, and with relative ease.
...Amazon has always been eating away at brick-and-mortar retail stores.
...there have always been internet-only movies. (click here)
...online dating, blogging, flash drives and GPS have always been a thing.
...they have never read LIFE magazine.
...the Pyrenean ibex has always been extinct.
...the comic strip "Peanuts" has always been in repeats (applies only to anyone under age 18 that has ever read a newspaper).
...you've never seen the original lineup of Smashing Pumpkins or Screaming Trees play live.
...Prince has never been referred to as "The Artist" or by an incomprehensible symbol.
...there have always been Latin Grammys.
...Madonna has always been faking a British accent.
...reality shows have always dominated network television.
...its always been okay for two men to kiss on network television.
...you have never watched TGIF.
...Regis Philbin and Kathie Lee Gifford have never hosted a talk show together.
...David Letterman has always been the survivor of quintuple-bypass surgery.
...Vince Carter, Dirk Nowitski, and Manu Ginóbili have always played in the NBA.
...Tom Brady, Adam Vinatieri, Phil Dawson, and Sebastian Janikowski have always played in the NFL.
...Matt Cullen and Zdeno Chara have always played in the NHL.
...Adrian Beltre has always played third base in the majors.
...Bartolo Colon has not only always been a Major League pitcher, but he's always been on the chunky side.
...speaking of MLB, the National and American Leagues have never been seperate legal entities.
...Catfish Hunter, Allen Funt, Wilt Chamberlain, Payne Stewart, Walter Payton, Madeline Kahn, Mary Kay Bergman, Rick Danko, Curtis Mayfield, "Q" from the James Bond movies, Clayton Moore, Nat Adderley, Don Martin, Bob Lemon, Hedy Lamarr, Doug Henning, Charles M. Schulz, Sid Abel, Derrick Thomas, the guy from the Ernest movies, Lee Petty, Adam Petty, Larry Linville, Douglas Fairbanks Jr, Sir John Gielgud, Johnnie Taylor, Nancy Marchand, David Tomlinson, Walter Matthau, Sir Alec Guinness, and Carl Barks have always been dead.

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Through a Sixth Freshman's Eyes

This week and next, millions of high school seniors will be graduating. Some will take a summer off before starting college, while others might take a semester or a whole year to contemplate their options. In any case, they were all born between late 1997 and mid-1998, offering a different perspective of the world than someone who vividly remembers the end of the 20th century (i.e. someone who is now old). With that said, and with all due apologies to Beloit College, here is my sixth annual homemade "Memory List":

...Google has always been a presence on the internet.
...Apple has always had the upper hand on Microsoft.
...if you're into right-wing conspiracies, you haven't had to look much further than the Drudge Report.
...if you're right-wing but not into conspiracies, you haven't had to look much further than Fox News Channel.
...Monica Lewinsky has always been a household name, and for all the wrong reasons.
...the highest-grossing movie of all time was always a film directed by James Cameron (at least, until a few months ago).
...Animal Kingdom has always been an attraction at Disney World.
...there has always been at least one Harry Potter title available in American bookstores...
...or you could just buy a book on Amazon.
...the Chicago Bulls have never won an NBA title.
...Tim Duncan has always played in the NBA.
...Bartolo Colon has always been a Major League pitcher.
...Roger Maris has never owned the Major League single-season home run record.
...NHL players have always been a presence in the Winter Olympics.
..."Seinfeld" has existed only in repeats.
...CBS has never aired "The Wizard of Oz" during May sweeps.
...you never saw Norm Macdonald anchor Weekend Update on SNL.
...Burgess Meredith, Red Skelton, Toshiro Mifune, Chris Farley, Phil Hartman, Lloyd Bridges, Alan Shepard, Dr. Spock, Bella Abzug, Pol Pot, Shari Lewis, Harry Carey, Jack Brickhouse, Sonny Bono, Carl Wilson, Tammy Wynette and Frank Sinatra have always been dead.

Did I forget anything? If so, feel free to mention it in the comments below. (Here's last year's list.) If this post was too much of a gut-punch, I respect that too.

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Through a Fourth Freshman's Eyes

For the fourth year in a row, I present my presumptive Mindset List for this year's high school graduating class. Since this year's college freshmen were mostly born in late 1995 and early 1996, it astounds me to think I'm closer to turning 40 than I am from earning my own high school diploma. With that said, 1996 was kind of a slow news year, so a lot of the tidbits I mentioned last year still apply.

So why do I keep writing this list every year? Because when Beloit College releases their annual list in August, they're always bound to miss something.

Without further ado, if you are an incoming college freshman...

...there have always been DVDs.
...O.J. Simpson has always been *cough* "innocent" of two murders.
...The Unabomber has always been under federal custody.
...Dean Martin, George Burns, Terry Southern, Yitzhak Rabin, Audrey Meadows, McLean Stevenson, Erma Bombeck, P.L. Travers, Jon Pertwee, Timothy Leary, Mel Allen, Ella Fitzgerald, and Claudette Colbert have always been dead.
..."ValuJet" has always been associated with plane crashes, safety problems, and all-around incompetence.
...Prince Charles and Princess Diana were never married.
...you briefly shared this planet with the first known 120-year-old person.
...Croatia has never had a civil war.
...Texas has always been threatening to secede from the United States.
...world champion chessmasters have always been playing against computers.
...you've never eaten an Arch Deluxe.
...the Dow Jones Industrial Average has never been below 5,000.
...you've never been to a Ramones concert.
...you've always associated Will Smith with movies, not TV, and only intermittently as a musician.
...there have always been at least three cable news networks, and they have always been differentiated by being conservative, liberal, and moderate.
...the first James Bond was Pierce Brosnan.
...the New York Yankees rarely miss the playoffs.
...there has always been NHL hockey in Arizona.
...there has always been an NFL team in Baltimore-- at least one that wears black and purple, anyway.
...the Dallas Cowboys have never won, much less played in, the Super Bowl.
...the United States has never hosted the Summer Olympics.
...Gregg Popovich has always been head coach of the San Antonio Spurs.
...Kobe Bryant, Steve Nash, Derek Fisher, and Ray Allen have always played in the NBA.
...it has always been possible for an NHL team to win a Stanley Cup in its first year of existence.
...Northwestern University has always been known as a "football school."

Next Week: my 9th Annual Fantasy Emmy Ballot.

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Though a Freshman's Eyes

Unless there's been a major breakthrough in the Governator and "Weinergate" scandals that I don't know about, this has been a slow week in the news. Given that, I'd like to do something different this week. Every year, Beloit College in Wisconsin releases what they call "The Mindset List." It's intent is not to make Baby Boomers, Gen-Xers, or children of the '90s (*cough*) feel old, but to demonstrate the world view of a just-graduated high school senior. Maybe it's schadenfreude, but the Mindset List is also endlessly fascinating to read (Google it right now if you have some time to kill). The list for the fresh-faced Class of 2015 --i.e. children born in late 1992 and early 1993-- won't be released for a few more weeks, but out of curiousity I'd like to speculate as to what might make the cut.

With that said, if you are an incoming college freshman...

...there have always been cell phones, e-mail and the internet.

...Canada, Mexico, and the U.S. have always agreed to trade freely.

...you have never had to worry about getting nuked by the Russians.

...there has never been a Czechoslovakia or a Yugoslavia.

...there has never been a Branch Davidian Compound.

...the Pittsburgh Pirates have always sucked.

...a Canadian hockey team has never won the Stanley Cup, and a Canadian baseball team has never won the World Series. (In turn, there have always been MLB and NHL teams in the state of Florida.)

...you never saw Joe Montana play for the San Francisco 49ers or Mike Ditka coach for the Chicago Bears.

...Audrey Hepburn, Frank Zappa, Julio Gallo, and the guy who played Herman Munster have always been dead.

...there has never been a living member of the Three Stooges.

...Tom Hanks has always had the phrase "Academy Award Winner" precede his name in movie trailers.

...nobody in Palatine, IL ever dines at Brown's Chicken.

...however, there has always been a McDonald's, a Subway, and/or a Starbucks within walking distance from your house.

...you have never heard --or heard of-- the song "Cop Killer."

...Jay Leno has always been on NBC and David Letterman has always been on CBS.

..."Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" and its various incarnations have always been on the air.

...People magazine and The New Yorker has always been published in color.

...the United States Post Office has always been losing money.

...you have only known one President Bush.

Scary stuff, eh? Kinda makes you think. Don't worry though; next week I'll try to post something a little less cerebral.