Through a Freshman's Eyes: Millennium Edition

[Ed. note: I'm doing this a little earlier than usual this year. You'll see why in my next post.]

Another graduation season looms. For the eighth year in a row, and as the time gap between my high school graduation and this year's class widens, I am reminded not only of my lurching obsolescence, but also the variance in perspective. The scary part, and something to bear in mind as you read this year's list, is that the current crop of high school seniors have no recollection of the 20th century. In fact, about two-thirds of them were born after Saturday, January 1st, 2000.

With that said, if you are a graduating senior...

...Bashar al-Assad has always been President of Syria.
...Vladimir Putin has always been "President" of Russia.
...Elián González has always lived in Cuba.
...Hillary Clinton has always been the politician in the family.
...your parents' PC has never had issues with being "compliant."
...you have vague childhood memories of a phone-like device called a Blackberry.
...music has always been downloadable, and with relative ease.
...Amazon has always been eating away at brick-and-mortar retail stores.
...there have always been internet-only movies. (click here)
...online dating, blogging, flash drives and GPS have always been a thing.
...they have never read LIFE magazine.
...the Pyrenean ibex has always been extinct.
...the comic strip "Peanuts" has always been in repeats (applies only to anyone under age 18 that has ever read a newspaper).
...you've never seen the original lineup of Smashing Pumpkins or Screaming Trees play live.
...Prince has never been referred to as "The Artist" or by an incomprehensible symbol.
...there have always been Latin Grammys.
...Madonna has always been faking a British accent.
...reality shows have always dominated network television.
...its always been okay for two men to kiss on network television.
...you have never watched TGIF.
...Regis Philbin and Kathie Lee Gifford have never hosted a talk show together.
...David Letterman has always been the survivor of quintuple-bypass surgery.
...Vince Carter, Dirk Nowitski, and Manu Ginóbili have always played in the NBA.
...Tom Brady, Adam Vinatieri, Phil Dawson, and Sebastian Janikowski have always played in the NFL.
...Matt Cullen and Zdeno Chara have always played in the NHL.
...Adrian Beltre has always played third base in the majors.
...Bartolo Colon has not only always been a Major League pitcher, but he's always been on the chunky side.
...speaking of MLB, the National and American Leagues have never been seperate legal entities.
...Catfish Hunter, Allen Funt, Wilt Chamberlain, Payne Stewart, Walter Payton, Madeline Kahn, Mary Kay Bergman, Rick Danko, Curtis Mayfield, "Q" from the James Bond movies, Clayton Moore, Nat Adderley, Don Martin, Bob Lemon, Hedy Lamarr, Doug Henning, Charles M. Schulz, Sid Abel, Derrick Thomas, the guy from the Ernest movies, Lee Petty, Adam Petty, Larry Linville, Douglas Fairbanks Jr, Sir John Gielgud, Johnnie Taylor, Nancy Marchand, David Tomlinson, Walter Matthau, Sir Alec Guinness, and Carl Barks have always been dead.

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One Last Sports Blog Before My 30th Birthday

This will likely be my last blog post before my 30th birthday, which will be on August 18th. One of my internet guilty pleasures are semi-pointless lists where things are ranked for the sole purpose of starting debates. At first, I decided to rank the ten best (and worst) sports teams I've had the pleasure --or obviously, displeasure-- of watching in my three decades on this big blue marble. (You know that I overthink things.) I have a pretty clear of what teams I wanted on my list, but I also struggled to say something interesting, unique, and insightful about all of them. I'm too young to remember the '85 Chicago Bears or the champion Kansas City Royals team from the same year, but I vividly remember my Blackhawks romping to the Stanley Cup 18 short months ago. On the flip side of that, I remember when the Royals lost 107 games in 2005, the Bears during the Wannstadt years, and Da Hawks in the decade immediately preceding Bill Wirtz's death. For every 1995-96 Chicago Bulls, you have any Bulls squad coached by Tim Floyd or Jim Boylan. I'm scrambling to think of a Northwestern squad (save for women's lacrosse) that can balance out decades of football and basketball mediocrity, give or take the '95 Rose Bowl run.

Any capable sportswriter must learn to write with a neutral perspective, if not necessarily a neutral voice, no matter how tempting it is to be a homer and take sides. I'll never win the Cerulli Award, but I watched enough baseball, football, basketball, and hockey over the years to know what seperates a truly dominant team from a ghastly one. Without putting my favorite teams in consideration, I settled on two smaller lists, written in a perspective that has no other concern for that program or organization, in chronological order from 1984 to now:

GREATEST TEAMS:

• The 1995 Nebraska Cornhuskers. College sports were barely in my peripheral in grade school, but overall '95 was one of the best years ever for college pigskin. Northwestern's unexpected rise of prominence following upsets of Notre Dame, Michigan, and Penn State was remarkable, but the Huskers were the undisputed #1 team all season. The Green-Phillips backfield was impossible to stop, the defense was a brick wall, and Nebraska averaged 51 points a game en route to a Fiesta Bowl decimation of Florida.
• The 1998 New York Yankees. Maybe the last "pure" Yankees championship squad: few if any overpriced free agents, no known juicers, and a roster that was mostly homegrown. The year that Mariano Rivera broke out and Derek Jeter cemented his superstar status. They averaged more than two runs per game, and outside of early April they never lost more than two games in a row. They won games with their hitting, their rotation, their bullpen, and their bench. Top to bottom dominant.
• The 2001-02 Detroit Red Wings. As a Chicagoan, I am just as obligated to hate the Wings as any true Bears fan spews vitriol at the Packers. Sweet holy crap, however this team was stacked. This was an alignment of All-Stars and Hockey Hall of Famers that could only last one year, a true fantasy hockey roster if there ever was one. Besides familar faces like Steve Yzerman and Brendan Shanahan, the roster read like a who's who of '90s NHL superstars: Brett Hull, Luc Robitaille, Chris Chelios, with Dominik Hasek in goal. A near-constant offense threat on every line more than made up for the advancing age of the Wings' ringers. Outside of a first-round scare by Vancouver, there was little doubting who would win the West and hoist the Stanley Cup.
• The 2007 New England Patriots. Maybe the greatest sports team to not win a championship. You can blame their underwhelming performance in Super Bowl XLII on both exhaustion and a strong effort by the New York Giants' defense. The fact of the matter is, they went 16-0 in a season where the AFC East was still competitive and their ease of schedule was somewhere in the middle. No one except Big Blue gave them much of a challenge.
• The 2013-14 San Antonio Spurs. Too soon, you say? Granted, the Spurs were the best team in a stacked Western Conference, and in the '14 Finals they disposed a much flashier Miami Heat squad in five games simply by playing the game right. They demonstrated how Gregg Popovich and company put fundamentals first; their formula was a blend of young and seasoned players, a mix of solid shooting with crisp defensive play. Tim Duncan are Manu Ginobili are two of the most low-key future Hall of Famers in the game, with Tiago Splitter --arguably the greatest 30th overall pick ever-- having a coming out party with his solid two-way play against Lebron et al.

WORST TEAMS:

• The 2002 Tampa Bay Devil Rays. A textbook example of a youth movement, and the exact moment people realized the Rays' original management didn't know what they were doing. All the aging, overpriced free agents from their inaugural squad four years earlier had either moved on or retired. This left the Rays with a roster of cheaper, still aging free agents (hi, Greg Vaughn!) thrown together with maybe the most disorganized farm system in recent memory. Top prospect Greg "Toe" Nash never made it to Tropicana Field, a disappearing act that was nearly as fast as his unlikely arrival. Former first round pick Josh Hamilton was still in his cocaine and painkillers phase. Carl Crawford was probably called up to The Show too soon, but his .259 average showed promise. This was the only full major league season of Jared Sandburg, the nephew of the Cubs' Hall of Fame second baseman. It was obvious that Jared wasn't major league material, but the Rays' farm system didn't have any other third basemen, so Sandburg's so-so glove and .220 average made do.
• The 2003, 2004, and 2005 College of DuPage Chapparals (football). If you're from the west suburbs of Chicago and your family couldn't afford to send you to a four-year university, chances are you earned your basic credits at COD before transferring. I was no exception; I earned an Associates in Arts before spending two years at Illinois State. During my 2 1/2 years in Glen Ellyn, JNCO sports were always in my peripheral, and COD's atrocious football program symbolized school spirit or lack thereof. The '03 and '04 Chaps both went 0-11, and the '05 squad won their first game before dropping the next ten. The star running back on the 2003 team shot and killed a guy, than almost got off the hook because of Illinois' "defense of dwelling" statute. (He spent two months in jail for not having an owner's ID.) The intent of JNCO is to assemble a competitive team out of the prep players the major schools overlooked. The COD Chaps were misfits and castoffs, and played with a massive chip on their shoulders.
• The 2007 and 2008 Indiana State Sycamores (also football). Even for a mid-major, the Trees were pitiful. From 2006 to 2009 ISU dropped 32 games in a row, and their winless seasons in '07 and '08 were bookended by 1-10 campaigns. Other schools in the Gateway Conference were clammering to host Indiana State for their homecoming game (including my Illinois State Redbirds) if only because their incompetence guaranteed a home blowout win in front of a sellout crowd. The Sycamores' football program has since upgraded from awful to merely mediocre, but those rough years in the late 2000s still linger.
• The 2012 Charlotte Bobcats. I won't deny the brilliance of Michael Jordan as a basketball player; he's the G.O.A.T. for a reason. As an executive and scout, however it's been a lengthy learning experience to say the least. After dropping 23 straight games to finish the season, Jordan was booed on his home court for the first time ever because of this hot mess, a 7-59 squad in a lockout-shortened season. At least the Bobcats' two lottery picks that season (Bismack Biyombo and Kemba Walker) weren't the busts that many had feared.

This is not a complete list by any means. Maybe it's fatigue from decades of watching NU hoops, but I don't really care about college basketball until bracket time. The 1992 U.S. Olympic "Dream Team" was ridiculously dominant, but everyone and their mother expected them to crush everything in their path. I'm not that concerned with non-team sports, so no NASCAR or PGA. Either way, it's my birthday and I'm feeling super self-indulgent.
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Where Am I Going? Where Are You Going?

Last week before class, I was eating lunch with an improv classmate. He's 22 and on the verge of graduating from Northwestern, and we were discussing life in general. At one point he asked me why I'm in the conservatory program. "Why are you doing this," he asked repeatedly. He knew I was an intellectual of sorts, but at the same time he seemed to think I was wasting my natural abilities on just improv. I explained to him my job situation and my passion for improv and comedy, but he kept asking "why." Eventually he settled on my desire to write comedy professionally and possibly pursue a future in theater. He wasn't totally placated, but it was the best answer I could give him.

Less than fourteen months from now, I will be turning 30 years old. In a slightly less intimidating sense, I will be turning 29 in about seven weeks. I suppose I feel neurotic about my birthday because I thought I would be established at this point. That can be a loaded word, but that's how I feel. For all my accomplishments in improv, my burgeoning Twitter feed, not to mention a smattering of published articles, that pretty much sums up my first 5 1/2 years since graduating college. I feel like I've achieved a few things but accomplished so little at the same time. The career that I aspired for disintegrated a little over three years ago, and my current temp job is nowhere near a career. In the last year I've garnered two job interviews out of hundreds of job applications. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if I'm just another member of an increasingly lost generation of Americans.

Judging from my accomplishments in the previous paragraph, one might assume my primary issue is a lack of motivation or direction. That is not totally true. Since my career in radio came to an abrupt halt I've been trying to parlay my improv "hobby" into something greater. I've been marketing myself as a comedy writer first and a comedic actor and improviser second. What people don't realize about improv is that there's very little money there; that ability to think on your feet and create scenes and situations from thin air is meant to progress into bigger and better things. My monologue-style jokes aside, most of what I've written lately has been based on scenes I've performed in class with my conservatory ensemble at Second City. I had some part in the creation of four short films in 2012, and though my 2013 output so far pales in comparison I'm still banging away on the keyboard. I have a better idea of how to market myself than I did two years ago.
In a nutshell, Rome wasn't built in a day. Some of us are late bloomers. As long as you're in my corner, I think I'll be alright.

Other notes:

+ So it turns out my father has B-Cell Lymphona. In a nutshell, it could be Hodgkin's Disease or it might not; it's literally 50/50. With that said, it was caught early and there is an 85% survival rate, so some type of radiation or chemotherapy is imminent. This will not be an easy path to take, but there's room for optimism. I'll keep you posted.

+ The NSA is tapping our phones?! Wow, I'm so shocked... in 2006. Heck, even Stephen Colbert was joking about it when he famously grilled President Bush at the White House Correspondents' Dinner that year. It scares me too, don't get me wrong, but at the same time our collective memory...

+ That was probably one of the best finishes to a hockey game I've ever seen. Congratulations again to the Blackhawks.

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Random Notes, January 2013

It's been much too long since I've commented on current events:

+ If you follow what's going on down in Springfield, chances are you won't hear much about anything besides measures to legalize gay marriage. Even though same-sex civil unions have been legal in Illinois for about 18 months ago, full marital rights are now at stake. We're far from being the first state to debate the topic, but we might be first where there is support from Democrats and Republicans.  The armchair conservatives that densely populate the Chicago suburbs are warming up to the idea, and GOP support in central IL and downstate has been more indifferent than opposed. Strangely, only a smattering of religious conservatives are voicing their dissent.

The Illinois GOP is still in relative disarray since George Ryan's ignoble term as governor ended ten years ago, but at least they're (almost) on the same page about something, and for a decidedly "liberal" cause, no less. The core of the state Republican Party is relatively moderate; outside of one-term wonder Joe Walsh, the Tea Party hasn't found much footing in the Land of Lincoln. On the other hand, this is the same Illinois GOP that couldn't beat Rod Blagojevich for the governor's seat... twice. It's a weird mix of kowtowing, populist fervor, and just being sensible.

+ The majority of gun owners in America are not loners, lunatics or sociopaths. Sadly, it's that lunatic and sociopath minority that continue to gobble up headlines and alter the course of gun control in the United States. We can't overlook the hubris and lack of preventative measures by lobbies like the National Rifle Association that keep dragging out the second amendment debate what seems like every three months or so. You can make the argument that gun control doesn't work, but at the time there has to be some type of regulation. Governor Cuomo's new legislation in New York state is strict and well-meaning, but could backfire easily. In short, in the wake of Aurora and Newtown, the gun debate is just as complicated and irresolute as ever.

+ Finally, as happy as I am that the NHL is back in action, it's too little too late. The league and the players' union have been at loggerheads for so long that neither party came out of the lockout a winner. Simply put, the players are overpaid and the owners are greedy, and both share a virulent streak of narcissism. I fear that the damage now is irreversible, that one more labor dispute will just kill the sport in North American altogether, that no PR spin can sustain any further damage. Just shut up and play.

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Random Notes, September 2012

+ Something about Autumn depresses me. Even though it's still summer until September 21st, the temperatures have dropped and school is back in session. Something within the poetry of foliage and all things pumpkin alludes me. When the temperatures drop and I pull my hoodie out of the closet, it feels like an opportunity blown. It reminds me of a great athlete in his prime, then watching him fade into mediocrity and complacency as he ages. It makes me wish I'd savored the time he was in peak form.

+ Now we're in the home stretch. The conventions are over, and candidates are official, and the barrage of slanderous attack ads has begun. I've been opiniating throughout this whole, gruesome process --hell, since this blog began seven years ago-- and it's going to be very difficult for me to be quiet and sit on the fence until election day. As usual, I will continue to blather about President Obama and Governor Romney when I feel the uncontrollable urge to do so. I'm sure some of you have done the same.

+ I am truly, sincerely afraid that the hockey season will be lost again. You'd think Gary Bettman and the NHLPA had joined forces to run this great sport into the ground. I truly fear that hockey will become the team equivilant of boxing or horse racing, two sports that have been much better days.

+ Yes, I am supporting the Chicago Teachers Union. Who was asking?

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Cain Unable

With one fell swoop, the GOP presidential primary just got marginally less crazy. Self-made businessman Herman Cain dropped out of the race last weekend, mere weeks until the first primary. When allegations of sexual harassment and philandering snowballed and financial support plummeted, the ex-restauranteur painted himself into a corner. In a race where the status quo is still in comtempt and th unofficial title of frontrunner has been like musical chairs --Romney, Bachmann, Perry, now Gingrich-- the one true Washington outsider in the race was also its most meteoric fall.

So one must wonder: what torpedoed Cain that couldn't sink Bill Clinton 20 years ago? For starters, the mass media is far more relentless than it was in the early '90s, let alone before the WTC attacks. Secondly, nobody could prove Clinton committed adultery until well into his second term. Sadly, for all intents and purposes it seems like Cain brought this upon himself; he seemed like the type that thought he could do a better job than the current guy, not realizing there are strings attached. All in all, Cain's carnival of a campaign just couldn't walk the tightrope.

Other notes:

+ So what's my take on Ron Santo's "long-awaited" Hall of Fame induction? I posted my thoughts shortly after his passing last year. Considering that Santo only garnered 21% of the vote in his first year of elegibility (1982) and the rise was very slow and steady, one must wonder how many BBWAA scribes simply read up on sabermetrics --6th best third baseman ever my foot-- drank the Cubbie Kool-Aid, or both.

+ My old TV.com friend and blog pseudo-correspondent Mark a/k/a mp34mp caught wind of the NHL division realignment before I did. He asked for my two cents on Twitter, and frankly I found some flaws right away. Personally, I think it's a little pointless to have four mini-conferences of seven to eight teams when bring back the four-division format would've sufficed. If it were up to me, however I would've scratched out the old/new divisional rivalries and gone completely regional: put the seven Canadian teams in one division, then split the 23 American squads into west, central, and eastern divisions. For example:

• Canadian: Calgary, Edmonton, Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto, Vancouver, Winnipeg
• Eastern: Boston, Buffalo, Carolina, New Jersey, NY Islanders, NY Rangers, Philly, Washington
• Central/South: Chicago, Columbus, Detroit, Florida, Nashville, Pittsburgh, St. Louis, Tampa Bay
• Western: Anaheim, Colorado, Dallas, Los Angeles, Minnesota, Phoenix, San Jose

Again, I'm partially disregarding some long-standing rivalries, but it might work. Just saying.

+ Improv Update: one week from Friday, I will be auditioning for Level 3 of the Second City Conservatory program. Considering that it took me over a year just to get into Level 1, I'm hoping to buck some unfortunate trends. It's ten days away, but wish me luck!

Requiem for the Scandal Sheets

About a week ago, Time published an article predicting what major city newspapers will fold in 2009. The fact of the matter is, no major city can sustain having two daily papers anymore, and the down economy will only accelerate the death of the medium. My lament coincides with the last issue of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, which after today will be available online only. Other notable dailies are near their end, including the Philadelphia Daily News and the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, both of which have filed for Chapter 11 protection. While my hometown Chicago Tribune grows deeper in debt by the day, it's crosstown rival the Sun-Times has a smaller circulation and fewer resources and probably won't live to see the end of the year.

There are few things that I enjoy more than spending the weekend reading the Sunday papers. To me, that's where the future of the newspaper stands; in a world where news is available it happens, whether on cable TV or online or even on your cell phone, shifting the focus to feature articles and generating revenue via coupons and supplemental ads is the newspaper's most realistic shot at survival. Eschew the daily papers and focus on the weekends. Of course, that's all just wishful thinking; most of these publications are too proud to drop five or six days of the week from their regular deadlines. Another article by Time suggested that newspapers should introduce a fee for all their online content, like a flat monthly subscription or a rate of 5 cents per downloaded article, but I doubt most major papers will adapt to such a daedalian idea.

Other random notes:

+ I'm probably just as annoyed about the whole AIG thing as you are. The decision to give out bonuses --whether or not they were promised long before the bailout, or if the recipients were deserving-- was very poor timing. This is undeniable proof that our nation's banks are out of control, and that the last three presidential administrations have done little to control or regulate their actions.

+ Several months ago, I signed up for a fantasy hockey league and promised to update you on the status of my team. After a hot start, I quickly plummeted to fourth place (out of five) after a string of hair-brained and hair-trigger moves. Shortly after trading Markus Naslund for one of the Niedermeyer brothers at the deadline, I was able to inch my way back into third place, where I remain to this day. With the NHL season winding down (and two teams having already clinched playoff spots) I'm crossing my fingers for a decent finish.

+ As someone who's one-quarter Scots-Irish on my dad's side, let me wish you and yours a Happy St. Patrick's Day.