Banking on Nothing

For the past five months, I've held down a temp position with a company that handles insurance claims for an ambulance company. What I'm doing is essentially data entry; I started out doing the first stage of billing for ambulance claims, and I've parlayed that into doing the insurance aspect as well. I'm not selling insurance, just crunching numbers and accumulating personal information, but this position offers some parallels to a near-miss situation I had half a decade ago.

I tried to downplay it on this blog, but the Summer of 2010 was pretty rough for me. Between being unemployed, the first round of family health issues (culminating in my mom having a stroke) and feeling increasingly isolated from my old social circles, it was a struggle to maintain a positive mindset. Some of that was fate, but my own naivete was also in play.

I lucked out insofar that I found work right after college. I worked 20 hours a week at my uncle's insurance office, then applied to a substitute teacher for extra money. I had my mind set on a career in the radio industry (which I've discussed before), so after my uncle's death and my abrupt dismissal from Salem Communications, I had nothing to fall back on. It was too late in the school year to apply anywhere to sub, so I applied for unemployment benefits and began my first real extensive job search online.

Within a week of losing my job, I set up accounts on CareerBuilder and Monster.com, two sites that I still occasionally glance at five years later. I posted my resume and hoped for the best, while also maintaining a goal of finishing at least one job application a day. Within a day or two of posting my resume, I began to get offers from local insurance agencies. I had never worked in sales before, but the form letter was convincing enough to at least consider the possibility.

Once such company was Bankers Life. They were holding an open house at their regional office in Palos Heights, a town 35 minutes of east of my parents' house. I put on the only suit I owned at the time and made the long drive, where a group of about 20 were seated in the center of the office. We listened to a 40-minute presentation by the branch's managers, which was followed by a Q&A session. It was a sales position with a 100% commission, some door-to-door soliciting, no upfront base salary, and obviously there would be a long commute, but I was simply happy to have my foot in the door.

The day after the group interview, Bankers Life called back to ask how everything went, and if I would be interested in going to a second presentation. I said yes, and a few days later I made the trek back to Palos Heights to watch a Powerpoint presentation. We were now in a shared conference room in another part of the building, with about a dozen people from the original group attending. The day after that, I was asked if I was still interested; I said yes, and a one-on-one interview with one of the managers was arranged.

The interview turned out to be quite an experience. I found out shortly after my arrival that I was the only person in the whole group to agree to get interviewed. The man who interviewed me was a piece of work. Norm was a self-made man with a beautiful wife and a time-share in the Bahamas, with awards adorning one full wall of his office and a few more on a nearby end-table. He exuded self-confidence, but his idea of persuasion bordered into bullying. When he asked me if I agreed about something, I said "yes" as if my life depended upon his mercy. Next thing I know, I agreed to pay for training courses and for the exam for a state license, all in advance.

The next two weeks were an epic cram session. I was given two textbooks to study the ins and outs of selling life insurance, but I wasn't absorbing anything. My ability to take the exam I had already paid for depended upon whether I could pass an online practice test; where 70% was a passing grade, the best I could muster on a dozen tries was 58%. The pre-exam was timed, so flipping through notes would've run out the clock. I drove to Schaumberg for a two-day training program held at a La Quinta, which clarified some things but couldn't quite get me over the hump. When Norm called to ask how things were going, I grinned insincerely and said I was making progress.

The exam was scheduled for 8 AM on a Saturday morning. I brought all my materials with me, even though you couldn't use notes on the test. As I walked into the state testing office, I explained to the receptionist that I did not get the needed 70% on the practice test. They told me that under no circumstances I could take the test now, but I could reschedule and pay another fee to do so. I left the testing office in defeat, walked back to my car in the misty rain, and left a voice mail for the pre-test company to demand a refund (they eventually said no). I also e-mailed Norm to explain my situation, but he never replied. For all intents and purposes, my "career" at Bankers Life was over.

In spite of getting cajoled out of $300, Bankers Life sent me another form e-mail six months later, and I responded tersely that I wanted to be excluded from any other correspondence. As recently as earlier this year, whenever I would update my resume on CareerBuilder or Monster I would get similar e-mails hyping the benefits of a career as a "senior marketing executive" with AFLAC, Farmers Insurance Group, and the such. I would respond by asking the representative if the position was 100% commission and if I would have to pay for training and a license. About 80% of the time they would get dodgy and ask me to attend their informational session, and the conversation would die right there. The other 20% or so would say admit that you need to pay for a state sales license (which is true) but they offered a base salary for the first six months. In that case, correspondence would halt because I simply wasn't interested.

I write this as a cautionary tale of what happens when an opportunity turns out to be too good to be true. As tempting as it may be at times, I have sworn off insurance sales and its ilk; I had a temp position in the records room at a now-shuttered Farmers Insurance corporate office, and that was about as close to repeating fate that I was comfortable with. If you're struggling to find work or are underemployed, as I've been for parts of the last five years, don't jump on the first possible opportunity unless you know you're absolutely qualified. My condolences to the other people in the world who were suckered into such an allegedly lucrative career.

(487)

Where Am I Going? Where Are You Going?

Last week before class, I was eating lunch with an improv classmate. He's 22 and on the verge of graduating from Northwestern, and we were discussing life in general. At one point he asked me why I'm in the conservatory program. "Why are you doing this," he asked repeatedly. He knew I was an intellectual of sorts, but at the same time he seemed to think I was wasting my natural abilities on just improv. I explained to him my job situation and my passion for improv and comedy, but he kept asking "why." Eventually he settled on my desire to write comedy professionally and possibly pursue a future in theater. He wasn't totally placated, but it was the best answer I could give him.

Less than fourteen months from now, I will be turning 30 years old. In a slightly less intimidating sense, I will be turning 29 in about seven weeks. I suppose I feel neurotic about my birthday because I thought I would be established at this point. That can be a loaded word, but that's how I feel. For all my accomplishments in improv, my burgeoning Twitter feed, not to mention a smattering of published articles, that pretty much sums up my first 5 1/2 years since graduating college. I feel like I've achieved a few things but accomplished so little at the same time. The career that I aspired for disintegrated a little over three years ago, and my current temp job is nowhere near a career. In the last year I've garnered two job interviews out of hundreds of job applications. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if I'm just another member of an increasingly lost generation of Americans.

Judging from my accomplishments in the previous paragraph, one might assume my primary issue is a lack of motivation or direction. That is not totally true. Since my career in radio came to an abrupt halt I've been trying to parlay my improv "hobby" into something greater. I've been marketing myself as a comedy writer first and a comedic actor and improviser second. What people don't realize about improv is that there's very little money there; that ability to think on your feet and create scenes and situations from thin air is meant to progress into bigger and better things. My monologue-style jokes aside, most of what I've written lately has been based on scenes I've performed in class with my conservatory ensemble at Second City. I had some part in the creation of four short films in 2012, and though my 2013 output so far pales in comparison I'm still banging away on the keyboard. I have a better idea of how to market myself than I did two years ago.
In a nutshell, Rome wasn't built in a day. Some of us are late bloomers. As long as you're in my corner, I think I'll be alright.

Other notes:

+ So it turns out my father has B-Cell Lymphona. In a nutshell, it could be Hodgkin's Disease or it might not; it's literally 50/50. With that said, it was caught early and there is an 85% survival rate, so some type of radiation or chemotherapy is imminent. This will not be an easy path to take, but there's room for optimism. I'll keep you posted.

+ The NSA is tapping our phones?! Wow, I'm so shocked... in 2006. Heck, even Stephen Colbert was joking about it when he famously grilled President Bush at the White House Correspondents' Dinner that year. It scares me too, don't get me wrong, but at the same time our collective memory...

+ That was probably one of the best finishes to a hockey game I've ever seen. Congratulations again to the Blackhawks.

(411)

Live, from Chicago...

I typically don't use this blog for SNL-related jabber, but this is something special. Every year, Lorne Michaels and his cohorts fly around the country to audition and take note of talent. The Chicago cattle call is referred to the "SNL showcase" and held every late July at IO. As a current IO student, I thought maybe I had an inside track to see the auditions; as an added incentive, one of my former teachers was amongst the cherry-picked. Understandly, this is major annual event and draws a big crowd, so I had to prepare; I was informed that even though the show started at 8, doors opened at 7:15p. Lo and behold, when I arrived in Wrigleyville that night, the line outside of IO was well over a hundred strong. I thought this worked to my benefit, as the Del Close Theater sits 150. As it turned out, only the first hundred were let into the showcase. Though my rare opportunity to mingle with Lorne's minions didn't work out --apparently, Seth Meyers and Marci Klein were there, too-- at least I can take solace in the fact that Tara DeFrancisco (my former teacher) reportedly had a very strong outing.

Other notes:

+ If it weren't for David DeJesus' injury, I'm pretty sure the Royals would not have been sellers at the trade deadline. We'd been playing .500 ball since Yost replaced Hillman, and for once we were in a rare position of upward mobility. Alas, my dream outfield has been sliced and diced; with DeJesus out until 2011, Scott Podsednik was shipped for LA and Rick Ankiel was traded to Atlanta, receiving mostly minor leaguers in return. Recent heroics aside, there's nothing that can convince me that onetime hot corner prospect/current platoon left fielder Alex Gordon has not been a flop. Barring a miracle, the Royals' apparent goal for 2010 --right now, anyway-- is to avoid losing 95 games.

+ I regret to inform everyone that my stint as a life insurance agent didn't work out. Even though I was hired, there were several intangibles I couldn't quite get past, of which I can't elaborate upon at this time. With a heavy heart, the job search soldiers on...

+ This week's blog was a bit of a downer, but I'll leave you guys on a positive note. My ex-boss posted this on his Facebook wall yesterday, and I couldn't help but share this clip. Between this song and The Bad Plus' rendition of "Iron Man," it's funny how the Black Sabbath songbook is so friendly to jazz musicians.