That Wonderful Year in TV... 2014

Well, Happy New Year everyone. After fighting a rough case of the flu last week, my 2014 TV blog was pushed into early January. For the handful of people that still read this blog, thank you for your patience. I hope this top five was worth the wait, because 2014 in TV was incessantly entertaining.

1. Broad City, Comedy Central. In a banner year for Comedy Central programming --"The Colbert Report" went out with a bang, and I've heard good stuff about "Review"-- arguably the most unique sitcom on basic cable was its funniest. Abby and Ilana live pathetic, low-stakes lives yet their tiny crises and self-delusion was plenty entertaining. Memorable Episodes: "Working Girl," "Fattest Asses," "Apartment Hunters"

2. Community, NBC. This season never should have happened. After an uneven (read: not totally awful) fourth season, showrunner Dan Harmon returned by some act of God and made his strangest creation relevant again. Aging and mortality made for a compelling recurring theme in 2014's big comeback story. Memorable Episodes: "Cooperative Polygraphy," "GI Jeff," "Basic Story"

3. Bob's Burgers, Fox. Surreal humor and family warmth are always on the menu at everyone's fledging burger joint. Even though monotone eldest daughter Tina remains the show's best weapon, all five Belchers have their own lovable set of quirks, and Season 4 was also a breakout year for sad-sack regular customer Teddy. Memorable Episodes: "Mazel Tina," "The Equestranauts," "Tina and the Real Ghost"

4. Mad Men, AMC. The ad execs and creative talents of Sterling Cooper & Partners (or whatever it's called now) entered 1969 amid much personal turmoil. At the halfway point of the show's bifurcated final season, it came down to the agency's makeshift family: Don the Dad, doting Pete and Peggy, Grandpa Bert (RIP) and wacky Uncle Roger. Memorable Episodes: "A Day's Work," "Waterloo"

5. Girls, HBO. Even though the hype (and ensuing controversy) has died down considerably, Lena Dunham and company are still putting out a quality product. The lighter-hearted third season also featured the epic "Beach House" fight that was in the gloaming almost from day one. Memorable Episodes: "Dead Inside," "Beach House," "Flo"

Honorable Mentions: Boardwalk Empire, HBO (episodes "Devil You Know" and "Eldorado") and Adventure Time, Cartoon Network (too many episodes to count).

Again, your thoughts?

That Wonderful Year in Music... 2014

If I could summarize 2014 as a year in music, the first word that comes to mind is "abundance." This was a very rich year for alternative and hip-hop, maybe the best since 2010. I intentionally heightened the number of new releases I listened to compared to last year, and I still feel like I didn't cover enough ground. Worse yet, it made the process of whittling down the best albums list to 20 a even tougher task than usual.

BEST ALBUMS:

1. St. Vincent, St. Vincent. Not to be confused with the recent Bill Murray movie of the same name, the genius of Annie Clark saw its audience increase tenfold with her fifth studio effort. Her 2012 collaboration with David Byrne Love This Giant confirmed she was the heir apparant of the former Talking Heads frontman, as her accessible art-rock is a rare breed. The sound is more pop than her previous work, yet Clark's razor-sharp wit seems even more vicious underneath the candy-coated production.
2. Run the Jewels 2, Run the Jewels (Killer Mike and El-P). Not a single beat is wasted on this unlikeliest of sequels. The first Run the Jewels, released in mid-2013, was a pleasant lark, but no one anticipated a sequel that was so immediate, yet fluid and filthy. Killer Mike and El-P are established hip-hop MCs on their own, but together they destroy worlds.
3. Lost in the Dream, The War on Drugs. To anyone who dismisses indie-rock as millennial prattling, I want you to meet Adam Granduciel. The Philly-based musician, who co-founded TWOD in the mid-2000s with Kurt Vile, then kept the band going after Vile went solo four years ago, has fully matured as a songwriter on Drugs' captivating third album. This is 21st century blue-collar, and the callbacks to Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, and Bruce Springsteen are both earnest and justified.
4. Burn Your Fire For No Witness, Angel Olsen
5. Salad Days, Mac Demarco
6. Pinata, Freddie Gibbs & Madlib
7. Benji, Sun Kil Moon
8. Manipulator, Ty Segall
9. Here and Nowhere Else, Cloud Nothings
10. Are We There, Sharon Van Etten. Over in Brooklyn, an old pal and hired hand of Neko Case's is turning into a formidable singer-songwriter in her own right. Two years after Tramp and the AAA radio hit "Serpents" first made people aware of Van Etten, There makes the case that she's no fluke. This woman has suffered for her art, yet beneath each confession is a parable.

11. My Krazy Life, YG
12. Oxymoron, Schoolboy Q
13. Atlas, Real Estate
14. Nikki Nack, TuNe-YaRdS
15. Morning Phase, Beck. On the surface, Beck's first studio album in six years is a kindred spirit and sequel to 2002's Sea Change. At heart, this thoughtful disc has more in common with 1998's Mutations; the sound is relaxed, but the lyrics are more melancholy than sorrowful. Anyone expecting a return to his goofier, funkier side should keep waiting; this exercise into Nick Drake-type country-rock might be his most intriguing reinvention yet.
16. They Want My Soul, Spoon
17. Sukierae, Tweedy
18. Lazaretto, Jack White
19. Turn Blue, The Black Keys
20. Sun Structures, Temples. One of the most fun listens of '14 came from this quartet of '60s-obsessed British lads. The leadoff single "Shelter Song" sounds like a long-lost track from Nuggets. Their obsession with making everything sound like 1967 might have gotten in the way of giving these up-and-comers any personality, but Structures is so trippy and energetic that it almost doesn't matter.

Best Import: The Double EP: A Sea of Split Peas, Courtney Barnett. Not so much a debut album but a pairing of two EPs released in her native Australia in 2012-13, Barnett made ripples in American indie-rock circles in 2014. If Stephen Malkmus (of Pavement and Jicks fame) had a long-lost Aussie niece, she'd sound a lot like Barnett; her stoner-slacker deadpan adds wit to "Avant Gardener" and "History Eraser," two songs that play like compelling short fiction. Her first proper full-length is due out in early 2015, and fingers crossed it'll make next year's Top 20.

Best Jazz Album: Last Dance, Keith Jarrett and Charlie Haden. The second release culled from a 2007 session between these two old friends, this collection of tunes feels more like a cohesive album than 2010's equally atmospheric Jasmine. The peculiar, curious intro to Monk's "Round Midnight" reveals an affection for the melody I don't think I've heard in any other rendition. (Also, RIP Charlie Haden, bass virtuoso.)
Honorable Mention: Kin, Pat Matheny Unity Group.

BEST SINGLES:

"Coming of Age," Foster the People
"Supernova," Ray Lamontagne
"This is a Game," Nick Waterhouse
"Don't Wanna," Howler
"Fall in Love," Phantogram
"Hot and Cold," Ex Hex
"Uptight Downtown," La Roux
"American Horror," Speedy Ortiz
"Violent Shiver," Benjamin Booker
"War on the East Coast," The New Pornographers
"From Eden," Hozier
"Left Hand Free," Alt-J

BEST VIDEOS:

1. "Take Me To Church," Hozier. This video first dropped just under the wire late last year, but "Church" (the single and the clip) both blew up in mid-2014. The lyrics about suicide and Catholic guilt meshes eerily well against the haunting hate crime of the video.
2. "Chandalier," Sia. It's all about that dance.
3. "Seasons (Waiting on You)," Future Islands. A viral hit twice over: this rodeo-centric, documentary style clip gain just as much attention as their operatic performance on the Late Show last March.
4. "Fever," The Black Keys. Hey, remember tele-evangelists?
5. "Babylon," SZA. Speaking of overt religious themes, this R&B singer decides the only way she can absolve herself is by self-baptism in a pond.
6. "Crime," Real Estate. This was a breakout year for former MADtv cast member Andy Daly, who plays the "auteur" director of the most clusterfucky video ever made. You know before you hear the song that it's going to be chaos.
7. "Water Fountain," tUnE-yArDs. A recreation of a typical Tuesday evening at Merrill Garbus' house.
8. "Thirst," Every Time I Die. Imagine an episode of "Broad City" taken over by two speed-metal dickbags from the Great Plains, and that's pretty much this video.
9. "Low Key," Tweedy. Shot in and around Chicago, this father/son Wilco spinoff is desperate to sell some records. Look for appearances from Conan O'Brien, Andy Richter, and in one of her last film appearances, veteran Windy City stage actress Molly Glynn.
10. "7/11," Beyoncé. In accordance with the Federal Beyoncé Act of 2013, all music video best-of lists must include at least one clip from Bey. This on-the-fly, yet slickly edited home movie should meet the quota.

Honorable Mention: "The Writing's On the Wall," OK Go. This group has had so many inventive videos, I'm ready to cry uncle. Also, the subtle horror of Taylor Swift's "Blank Space."

Your thoughts?

2014 in Review, Part One

Something about 2014 just felt... lousy. With three weeks to go in the year, it seems like I can remember two negative moments in the year for every positive memory. I had a half-dozen friends and acquaintances get married this year, but just as many get divorced. On a personal level, I struggled to find stable employment as I accepted one crummy temp job after another. If you were an Illinoisan with any interest in politics, you lost both an iconic liberal (former Chicago Mayor Jane Byrne) and a respected moderate conservative (recently reelected State Comptroller Judy Baar Topinka). On a national scale, this was a bad year to be a Democrat and a feminist. On an international scale, Malaysian Airlines and most of Ukraine would like to pretend '14 never happened. The miraculous World Series run made by my beloved Kansas City Royals, 29 years after their last postseason and championship, was hampered by the possibility that it might be another three decades before it happens again.

This has also been a tough time to write topical humor. For the better part of two weeks, the most dominant news story has been about a African-American killed by a police officer under ambiguous circumstances. Some topics are just off-limits, and in a situations like Ferguson, MO and Staten Island it's almost impossible and just about tasteless to try joking about it. No matter what your stance is on the subject, this topic has a very limited angle for satire.

Additionally, this has been a rough year to be an SNL fan. The show's 40th anniversary --which will be celebrated as a prime time event in February 2015-- has been overshadowed by frustration and tragedy. This past summer saw the passings of cast member Jan Hooks and longtime announcer Don Pardo, and even though Robin Williams wasn't best known for being on the show, he was a frequent host in the 1980s. Not to be overlooked is the truck accident that nearly killed Tracy Morgan, a tragedy that was more serious than we originally thought. Least of all, the current state of the show could best be described as fledging; a whirlwind of cast changes in the last three seasons has a left a young, unproven ensemble still finding its voice. The biggest problem spot of all is Weekend Update, where the deer-in-the-headlights glances of head writer/co-anchor Colin Jost reminds us that some people should just stay behind the scenes.

So what did I enjoy this year? I'll discuss that in my next two blog posts.

Next Week: the year in music, 2014.

The Hunt for Red November

Some final (albeit belated) thoughts on the 2014 midterm elections:

It's not terribly clear to me how Bruce Rauner plans on steering Illinois in the right direction, but all the power to him. His defeat of incumbent Pat Quinn for the governor's seat ended 12 years of Democratic reign, and possibly a dozen years of unfocused state GOP politicking. What should have been a runaway victory against an unpopular incumbent came right down to the wire. Rauner's nearly fatal flaw was assuming just being "the other guy" was enough to seal Quinn's fate, and indeed, his stance on a variety of issues was oddly vague until the last five weeks of the campaign. And, as Rauner himself admitted, if we don't like it we can boot him in 2018.

So what triggered the Democrats' trouncing in the election? Even though they share the views on several social issues with a narrow majority of Americans --including most crucially, marriage equality-- the 2014 midterms were both a referendum on President Obama and the ineffectual and sometimes polarizing presence of the party powers that be (Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, etc.). The President has had a brutal second term, partially his fault and partially out of his control, and exasperated voters made their say. The kinda-sorta GOP landslide not only evokes 1994's "Republican Revolution" but serves as a mirror image to the butt-kicking the Democrats handed their competitors to the right in 2006 and 2008.

The Republicans made fewer mistakes as well; there was no Todd Akin/sexual assault blunder to set a disastrous domino effect into motion. On the flip side of that is the misconception that the GOP is unilaterally pro-life and wary of Planned Parenthood. Most of the defined pro-choice candidates lost, but the Republicans that support women's health matters (caveats or concessions or not) are usually stifled by the social right, not necessarily a majority of the party but a crucial line of financial needs and manpower. Alas, the social-right motormouths from the deep red states will get a more substantial chunk of our (and the media's) attention, and the influence of lobbyists and Grover Norquist-type policy wonks will ensure the impression that the GOP is in lockstep on all social issues.

Other random notes:

+ At least the 2014 World Series came down to the last strike on the last out in the bottom of the ninth. My thanks to the Kansas City Royals for a fun postseason; it wasn't perfect, but it was worth 29 years of waiting.

+ Have you checked out Stu News yet? It's not nearly as political as this blog, but it'll certainly put a smirk on your face in the morning.

Some Final Thoughts on the 2014 Midterm Elections

With less than three weeks until Election Day, two conclusions are taking hold. First, early estimates of low turnout suggest that voter apathy is alive and well. Secondly, the polarized state of American politics, especially as President Obama enters his last two years in office, is more shrill and viable than ever. As with any election, the well-financed men and women that are jockeying for position are a melange of dolts and schemers, liars and dreamers. Even the most idealistic candidate can be worn down by the meat grinder of our legislative branch.

If you're an Illinoisan, you have plenty to be exasperated about. In fact, for as long as I've been a registered voter I don't think our state has had a major party candidate for governor that was worth voting for. The license-for-bribes scandal that ended George Ryan's political career gave way to six ignoble years of Rod Blagojevich, which begat six years of incumbent Pat Quinn. Of this sorry bunch Quinn was probably the least embarrassing. Accusations of corruption have been unfounded --right-wing conspiracy theorists have tried to connect Blago to his reluctant second in command and vice versa, with limited success-- but Quinn's doddering, in-over-his-head performance as governor should offer limited hope for a second full term. The Republican's answer, multimillionaire Bruce Rauner, would have a commanding lead over Quinn if not for several character flaws: he's been perceived as alternately out-of-touch, bullying, and coasting. Rauner is a pro-choice, pragmatic Republican in a state where moderate "collar county" conservatives have more sway than any other right-wing faction. (I thank my lucky stars that the Tea Party has never found a foothold in Illinois, Joe Walsh notwithstanding.) Just being "the other guy" is not enough, so it seems.

Where the governor's race is saturated with schadenfreude, the Illinois U.S. Senate race almost plays like satire. The incumbent is the prominent (read: powerful) Democrat Dick Durbin, and his challenger is ice cream magnate and perennial candidate Jim Oberweis. It's essentially a battle between a candidate who's out of touch with voters versus a candidate who's out of touch with reality. Nevertheless, Durbin is the #2 Democrat in the higher chamber, and CPACs will keep pumping money into the Oberweis campaign to oust a Washington top dog, no matter how lousy or delusional a candidate like Oberweis might be.

The problems that face my home state will not be fixed overnight. The Land of Lincoln has made social progress in recent years (yay, marriage equality!) but seems stagnant in every other aspect. In a way, Illinois is a microcosm of what ails the United States as a whole: partisan bickering, extreme ideologies, shortsighted ideas. What happens in the last two years of Obama's administration likely won't change much; the GOP is expected to reinforce their control of Congress, and though they will gain seats in the U.S. Senate they won't seize the majority. Basically, another two years of gridlock.
In summation, I'm writing this year's election rundown slightly earlier than usual to implore anyone reading this to register to vote and express your voice on November 4th.  A voter turnout of 3.5% percent means 96.5% of the population will lose their right to complain about the next two years. If you have a problem with what's going on this country, then put pen to hand and speak your mind.

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32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My 2014 NFL Preview

I'm still in summer mode, but for a lot of people football season can't come soon enough. With four days until opening kickoff, I present my annual NFL predictions 17 morae at a time.

(NOTE: the asterisks are for wild card picks)

AFC North
1. Bengals. (10-6) Good, but good enough/in humdrum group, ginger snaps/will be sufficient.
2. Ravens*. (9-7) Without Rice cooking/the rush attack starves; Flacco/better earn his pay.
3. Steelers. (6-10) Aluminum in/the Steel Curtain; Big Ben will/get his clocks cleaned, still.
4. Browns. (4-12) Wow, what a train wreck/Johnny Football = Johnny Bench/until he grows up.

AFC East
1. Patriots. (10-6) Northeast no-brainer/aging Brady has enough/for one last great year.
2. Bills. (8-8) QB confusion/if E.J. falters, Orton/is their only hope.
3. Jets. (6-10) Uh, CJ2K?/Fading star is Band-aid on/weak, battered offense.
4. Dolphins. (6-10) Their O-line woes are/no longer Incognito/I doubt improvement.

AFC South
1. Colts. (11-5) With Nicks in the mix/there's no short supply of Luck/for Hoosier faithful.
2. Titans. (8-8) Big game Hunter is/budding star, but tonight's show/is the hurt Locker.
3. Texans. (7-9) Murphy's law, defined/after '13 debacle/with Fitz, hope for best.
4. Jaguars. (5-11) Coach Gus rubs the lamp/expects genies in Bortles/but he'll keep wishing.

AFC West
1. Broncos. (12-4) Denver doubled down/but after playoff woes, can/they get over hump?
2. Chiefs*. (10-6) Cinderella tale/no more; after career years/expect modest goals.
3. Chargers. (9-7) If health and D can/sing the body electic/they might shock again.
4. Raiders. (5-11) Prowlers of the sea/moving rumors will distract/from nondescript play.

NFC North
1. Packers. (10-6) Losing Raji hurts/Aaron will keep carrying/this good, flawed squad.
2. Bears. (9-7) Offense renaissance/fails to hide a flimsy D/games won't be boring.
3. Lions. (7-9) Where's the chemistry?/So much talent, underwhelms/because they don't gel.
4. Vikings. (5-11) New QB Teddy/Bridge (over troubled) water/don't expect wins yet.

NFC East
1. Eagles. (10-6) "Are you friends or Foles?"/spry Iggles ruffle feathers/but who's their safety?
2. Redskins. (8-8) Memo to Chucky:/even with RGIII, wins/are not child's play.
3. Giants. (6-10) Big Blue is fading/aging team, shaky Eli/hey, how 'bout them Jets?
4. Cowboys. (4-12) "Romophobia"/an irrational fear, since/he's not the problem.

NFC South
1. Saints. (11-5) Something unholy/in Crescent City; "Who Dat"/flies into the Brees.
2. Falcons*. (9-7) Unpredictable/dominant one year, crap next/they're still erratic.
3. Panthers. (7-9) Newton needs targets/after '13 title, can/Cam just run the ball?
4. Buccaneers. (5-11) Mr. Smith, new head coach/will ex-Bear presence get Bucs/all Lovie-dovey?

NFC West
1. Seahawks. (13-3) Still unbeatable/Sherman is a motormouth/Wilson lobs and serves.
2. 49ers*. (12-4) A great connection/Kaepernick to Crabtree makes/for dangerous threat.
3. Cardinals. (8-8) Honey Badger runs/everyone loves a dark horse/not unlike this team.
4. Rams. (4-12) Why oh why, last place?/this deep division, no mas/without a QB.

NFL MVP: Drew Brees, Saints
Offensive ROY: Sammy Watkins, Bills
Defensive ROY: Aaron Donald, Rams
First Head Coach Fired: Jason Garrett, Cowboys
Super Bowl XLIX: Seahawks 25, Broncos 20

Omaha! Omaha! I mean, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

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My Ninth Annual Fantasy Emmy Ballot

You know the drill. Even though the network television season ended three weeks ago, the deadline for Emmy contention is later this month. What better time than now to get the speculation started?

Writing in a Variety/Comedy/Music Series: (name listed is head writer) Opus Moreschi, The Colbert Report; Mike Sweeney, Conan; Steve Bodow, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart; Molly McNearney, Jimmy Kimmel Live; A.D. Miles, The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon; Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher.
Outstanding Variety/Comedy/Music Series: "The Colbert Report," Comedy Central; "Conan," TBS; "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Comedy Central; "Jimmy Kimmel Live," ABC; "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon," NBC; "Saturday Night Live," NBC.

Outstanding Miniseries: "American Horror Story: Coven" (FX); "Bonnie and Clyde" (History Channel); "Dancing on the Edge" (Starz); "Fargo" (FX); "Rosemary's Baby" (NBC); "The White Queen" (Starz).
Outstanding Made for TV Movie: "Burton and Taylor" (BBC America); "Clear History" (HBO); "Muhammed Ali's Greatest Fight" (HBO); "The Normal Heart" (HBO); "Sherlock: His Last Vow" (PBS/BBC); "The Trip to Bountiful" (Lifetime).

Supporting Actress, Comedy: Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory; Julie Bowen, Modern Family; Anna Chlumsky, Veep; Kate Mulgrew, Orange is the New Black; Sofia Vergara, Modern Family; Merritt Wever, Nurse Jackie.
Supporting Actor, Comedy: Ty Burrell, Modern Family; Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family; Max Greenfield, New Girl; Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother; Ed O'Neill, Modern Family; Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family.
Supporting Actress, Drama: Christine Baranski, The Good Wife; Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad; Christina Hendricks, Mad Men; Allison Janney, Masters of Sex; Dame Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey; Maisie Williams, Game of Thrones.
Supporting Actor, Drama: Jim Carter, Downton Abbey; Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones; Woody Harrelson, True Detective; Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad; John Slattery, Mad Men; Jeffrey Wright, Broadwalk Empire.

Lead Actress, Comedy: Lena Dunham, Girls; Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie; Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep; Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly; Amy Poehler, Parks & Recreation; Taylor Schilling, Orange is the New Black.
Lead Actor, Comedy: Louie C.K. Louie; Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory; Matt LeBlanc, Episodes; Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory; Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine-Nine; Robin Williams, The Crazy Ones.
Lead Actress, Drama: Connie Britton Nashville; Claire Danes, Homeland; Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey; Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife; Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men; Kerry Washington, Scandal.
Lead Actor, Drama: Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire; Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad; Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom; Jon Hamm, Mad Men; Matthew McConaughey, True Detective; Kevin Spacey, House of Cards.

Best Comedy Series: "The Big Bang Theory," CBS; "Girls," HBO; "Modern Family," ABC; "Orange is the New Black," Netflix; "Parks & Recreation," NBC; "Veep," HBO.
Best Drama Series: "Breaking Bad," AMC; "Game of Thrones," HBO; "The Good Wife," CBS; "House of Cards," Netflix; "Mad Men," AMC; "True Detective," HBO.

As always, I look forward to the debate that should ensue.

Through a Fourth Freshman's Eyes

For the fourth year in a row, I present my presumptive Mindset List for this year's high school graduating class. Since this year's college freshmen were mostly born in late 1995 and early 1996, it astounds me to think I'm closer to turning 40 than I am from earning my own high school diploma. With that said, 1996 was kind of a slow news year, so a lot of the tidbits I mentioned last year still apply.

So why do I keep writing this list every year? Because when Beloit College releases their annual list in August, they're always bound to miss something.

Without further ado, if you are an incoming college freshman...

...there have always been DVDs.
...O.J. Simpson has always been *cough* "innocent" of two murders.
...The Unabomber has always been under federal custody.
...Dean Martin, George Burns, Terry Southern, Yitzhak Rabin, Audrey Meadows, McLean Stevenson, Erma Bombeck, P.L. Travers, Jon Pertwee, Timothy Leary, Mel Allen, Ella Fitzgerald, and Claudette Colbert have always been dead.
..."ValuJet" has always been associated with plane crashes, safety problems, and all-around incompetence.
...Prince Charles and Princess Diana were never married.
...you briefly shared this planet with the first known 120-year-old person.
...Croatia has never had a civil war.
...Texas has always been threatening to secede from the United States.
...world champion chessmasters have always been playing against computers.
...you've never eaten an Arch Deluxe.
...the Dow Jones Industrial Average has never been below 5,000.
...you've never been to a Ramones concert.
...you've always associated Will Smith with movies, not TV, and only intermittently as a musician.
...there have always been at least three cable news networks, and they have always been differentiated by being conservative, liberal, and moderate.
...the first James Bond was Pierce Brosnan.
...the New York Yankees rarely miss the playoffs.
...there has always been NHL hockey in Arizona.
...there has always been an NFL team in Baltimore-- at least one that wears black and purple, anyway.
...the Dallas Cowboys have never won, much less played in, the Super Bowl.
...the United States has never hosted the Summer Olympics.
...Gregg Popovich has always been head coach of the San Antonio Spurs.
...Kobe Bryant, Steve Nash, Derek Fisher, and Ray Allen have always played in the NBA.
...it has always been possible for an NHL team to win a Stanley Cup in its first year of existence.
...Northwestern University has always been known as a "football school."

Next Week: my 9th Annual Fantasy Emmy Ballot.

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No Man is a Lonely Island: My Review of Andy Samberg/St. Vincent (5/17/14)

Scroll down for a special bonus review!

I can't recall ever having such a hard time writing an SNL review. I blame most of the fatigue on the almost universal and undeserved derision toward Year 39, maybe the weakest season of SNL in recent memory. To say 2013-14 was awful by any means is an exaggerated misnomer, though the first half of the season was considerably stronger than the second. If anything, the blame should be shifted toward an increasingly rudderless writing staff, and not so much on a young, unproven, and overpopulated cast. The overall situation is a mess, but nothing that some minor tweaks and trimming couldn't salvage.

With that note, the ghosts of SNL's recent past resurface as a rebuilding year comes to a close. Sitcom star and recent Golden Globe winner Andy Samberg --I know, right?-- returns to host two years after quietly departing the live grind. The 29th alum to host will be joined by indie-pop sensation St. Vincent, referred to by some as the daughter David Byrne never had.

COLD OPENING: The current writing staff doesn't seem inclined to write political sketches, and James Downey's decision to take a year off made that apathy almost transparent. Thus, tonight's topical sketch has a fish-in-the-barrel feel. Solange Knowles (SZ) and Jay-Z (JP) want to make it abundently clear that there's lingering hard feelings about the previous weekend's elevator melee, though the tension keeps Hova's bodyguard (KT) on his toes. The actual security footage is dubbed to acknowledge a mutual hatred of spiders, and the security guard (BM) that leaked the video gets skewed in his own right. When Beyonce (Maya!) walked in to a 15-second ovation, it almost felt like playtime was over, and the adults were back in the room. It was a great cameo, yet at the same time it sucked the air out of the room.

MONOLOGUE: Coming off a banner year, Andy half-jokingly points out that he produced 101 Digital Shorts and appeared in six live sketches. He points out that Bill Hader holds the all-time record for impressions (he surpassed Darrell late last year, look it up) and with the assistance of Seth Meyers, tries to shatter that. Ultimately, any show like this will turn into a "cameo orgy," and after Andy breaks the record Hader takes it right back.

"Camp Wicawabe": Circa July 1990, two campers (AB, KM) host a pretend talk show inside one of the cabins. Their 4th grade-level of worldliness makes them both a little condescending, but similtaneously bewildered by Piper's cousin Jeremy (AS), a 14-year-old camper with a tendency to rub things with his posterior. Bolstered by winning performances from Aidy, Kate, and Mooney, this was just middle-of-the-pack and engaging enough that we'll probably see this recurring sketch again in Year 40.

DIGITAL SHORT: "When Will the Bass Drop?" is an oversimplified parody of EDM, with Andy playing a cultish DJ threatening to drop the beat like "The Pit and the Pendelum." He keeps teasing and teasing, then when the bass does drop, the club (to no one's surprise) turns into Armageddon. It seems brutally ironic that if this is the last time we ever see John Milhiser on SNL, we saw him perform seppuku in a nightclub.

"Confident Hunchback": Following the winking one-joke balderdash of "Rude Buddha," Victor Hugo's most beloved underdog is re-interpreted by Andy as an oblivious womanizer. Unlike "Rude Buddha," however this juxtaposition of 15th century alienation and 21st century swagger had a few stray chuckles. Besides, he has less than a year to live.

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: Surrounded by bathroom tiles, "Birth in Reverse" showcases Annie Clark in all her elegant quirkiness. The robotic arm gestures complimented the warm electronica.

WEEKEND UPDATE: When half of Twitter thinks you're the second greatest WU anchorperson named Colin, you just have to accept the burn. Some writers aren't meant to be on-screen, and I'm still debating whether Colin Jost is one of them. Whatever progress Cecily Strong made as Seth Meyers' co-anchor has either stalled or regressed, and at times are time filler between sterling desk commentaries. The Jost-Strong tandem is light on chemistry, and their comfort level wavers at times. "Get in the Cage" was a nice treat, as Nic (AS) grills an uncomfortable Paul Rudd. (Speaking of Cage, I'm pretty sure that's the second week in a row Cojo has been addressed as "Seth" by a guest commentator.)

"The Kissing Vogelchecks": Andy was never really part of this outrageous sketch, but sure, I'll suspend disbelief this one time. Samberg is the doting son and Taran is the boyfriend/study in slow burn as the entire Vogelcheck clan snogs like teenagers in a 1996 Honda Accord. Fred Armisen and Kristen Wiig walk out to thunderous applause, and other family members (like Kate's ornery grandma) just randomly walk in from all sides of the living room. Than we realize what the sketch is really about (hint: the NFL Draft) and social commentary blends into the obvious slapstick.

"Wake Up With Kimye": This morning on the show, hip-hop's most self-involved power couple (JP, NP) are working out the final details of their pending nuptuals. The all-Kardashian band is subbed out by the cryptic presence of Bruce Jenner (TK), who just stands there and shoehorns himself into the Wests' vapid conversation.

DIGITAL SHORT: The Lonely Island's next album is still a work in progress, but "Hugs" is hot, fresh, and just for you. Tatiana Maslany, Maya Rudolph (again?), and Pharrell help out on a good-but-not-great track about girls who misinterpret a gentle embrace for something greater.

"Legolas from 'The Hobbit' Tries to Order at Taco Bell": A self-explanatory blackout sketch with the altruistic warrior (AS) attempting to get his burrito fix. It probably seemed fun on paper, but it was all static until Gimlet (BM) walked in.

"Blizzard Man": After a long self-imposed exile, Blizzy (AS) resurfaces to collaborate with 2 Chainz (yep, another cameo). The sabbatical didn't do much for his chops, which are just as goofy and flaccid as ever. I didn't mind this sketch, but how long can KT play the same sound engineer without putting his foot down? Is this amnesia of convenience?

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: "Digital Witness" is another standout track from one of 2014's best albums so far, a Talking Heads-type song bolstered by Annie's guitar chops and what I could best describe as assembly-line line dancing. All hail our new robot overlords!

"Bvlgari": Our favorite ex-porn stars (VB, CS) launch their latest paper-thin scheme for free bling, this time modeling Italian watches. Despite a well-placed swipe at Donald Sterling, this latest scam brought nothing new to the table, and the obligatory endorsement by their wayward peers (AS, KW) was similarly arbitrary.

All in all, this was a typically uneven show to cap a decidedly uneven year for SNL. I'll give the producers credit for limiting the number of "cameo orgy" shows this season to just two. Tonight, the adults took over and the kids took a seat; Andy carried the show almost as if he never left, though having two-thirds of the Year 32 hanging around didn't hurt his case. At the same time, it must have been disconcerting for the struggling featured players to basically be told to sit out the season finale, when for two or three actors this was their last possible opportunity to show America they had a right to be here.

What Gets Cut From The 60-Minute Edit: one of the Digital Shorts, most of Update, "Wake Up With Kimye," "Legolas at Taco Bell," "Blizzard Man," and "Digital Witness."

--+---+--

And now, a recap of Season 39:

Scribes and internet trolls alike were shredding SNL to bits this year --especially after Seth left-- as if this were another Season 20. Rest assured, there were some highlights:

Most Valuable Player: Kate McKinnon. You might expect me to pick Taran, but hear me out-- the woman who "replaced" Kristen Wiig two-plus years ago really came into her own in 2013-14. Her array of impressions (Justin Bieber, Angela Merkel, Jane Lynch) is just about as impressive as her arsenal of characters (barfly Sheila Sovage, Olya the Russian hausfrau, the aforementioned Piper). If Wiig had a Dan Akyroyd-like quality, than McKinnon might as well be the female Will Ferrell. If this year was any indicator, K-Mac will be SNL's cleanup hitter for the remainder of the decade.

Most Improved: Aidy Bryant. Any doubts about Miss Bryant's presence and purpose on SNL were quashed in her sophomore year. She can play emotionally vulnerable and sexually aggressive with equal aplomb. It's a joy to watch her go zany in one scene and bemused in another. Chris Farley is an easy comparision, but that doesn't really do Bryant justice; she can be manic at times, but Aidy's a far more grounded performer.

Rookie of the Year: Beck Bennett. With only two white male actors returning from the previous year (three if you count Seth), a lot of the roles that would generally go to Bill Hader or Jason Sudeikis landed right in Beck's lap. That's not to say my fellow Chicago native was a victim of happenstance; Baby Boss was one of the stronger new recurring characters of the season, and he's a very capable straight man to boot.

Ranking the "Class of 2013" by Likehood of Returning for Season 40, in Descending Order: Beck Bennett, Kyle Mooney, Sasheer Zamata, Colin Jost, Michael Patrick O'Brien, Noel Wells, Brooks Wheelan, John Milhiser

Best Hosts of Season 39:
3. Louis C.K.
2. Melissa McCarthy
1. Kerry Washington

Worst Hosts of Season 39:
3. Miley Cyrus
2. Andrew Garfield
1. Josh Hutcherson

Best Musical Guests*:
3. St. Vincent
2. Janelle Monae
1. Arcade Fire

Worst Musical Guests:
3. Pharrell
2. Miley Cyrus
1. One Direction

Best Overall Episodes:
3. Jimmy Fallon/Justin Timberlake
2. Louis C.K./Sam Smith
1. Kerry Washington/Eminem

Worst Overall Episodes:
3. Seth Rogen/Ed Sheeran
2. Miley Cyrus
1. Jim Parsons/Beck

*Imagine Dragons' mash-up of "Radioactive" with Kendrick Lamar deserves an honorable mention. Man, that was amazing.

Questions or comments? Either post below or e-mail Stu at sma17kc@aim.com.

30 Teams, 30 Haiku: My 2014 Baseball Preview

The crack of the bat, the smell of the grass, and the neat assembling of 17 syllables to describe each MLB team's 2014 forecast. Yes ladies and germs, for the fourth year in a row please enjoy some baseball haiku. Granted, the Dodgers and Diamondbacks played their first game over a week ago, but for 28 other clubs Day One is still ahead. Feel free to disagree with poetic license in the comments section below:

(asterisks note wild cards)

AL EAST

1. Red Sox. This Lazarus act/has a tough act to follow/can't slump at Fenway.

2. Yankees*. Big spenders again/strong, but nowhere near elite/as old legs buckle.

3. Rays. If the Price is right/these overachievers will/sting the East again.

4. Orioles. This deep division/the margin of error here/is close to zero.

5. Blue Jays. Any improvements?/not the pitching, though the bats/have power to spare.

AL CENTRAL

1. Tigers. Heavily favored/despite no chemistry; they're/tops in a weak bunch.

2. Royals*. Three decades without/glory; the schneid ends if the/pitching can hold up.

3. Indians. Santana to third/seems like a logical move/but who's the shortstop?

4. Twins. Minor improvements/does not a contender make/the youth must grow up.

5. White Sox. Jose Abreu/blue-chip Cuban sandwiched in/a full youth movement.

AL WEST

1. Athletics. Gray weather forecast/A's fans expect Sonny skies/and playoff glory.

2. Rangers. The one Washington/that gets anything done is/now on the hot seat.

3. Angels. Underacheivers/hardly anyone earns their/paychecks except Trout.

4. Mariners. So they have Cano/and a switch-hitter surplus/they're not legit yet.

5. Astros. Worst is over, but/when Scott Feldman is your ace/dim expectations.

NL EAST

1. Nationals. First by happenstance/after '12 hangover, Nats/get pesky again.

2. Braves*. Mourn the rotation/if you want; their bats will give/Atlanta some hope.

3. Phillies. Pretend contenders/a team without direction/overhaul, A-SAP!

4. Mets. Some optimism/in Queens; the question is, do/they have the Wright stuff?

5. Marlins. Room for improvement/these raw youngsters might surprise/but they're years away.

NL CENTRAL

1. Cardinals. A strange dilemma/they have too many good arms/and too little time.

2. Pirates*. Feisty, resurgent/Roger is jolly again/Wild Card beckons.

3. Reds. Billy Hamilton/thief extrodinaire, young gun/high expectations.

4. Brewers. Ryan had fake brawn/Hebrew Hammer, nailed again/blemishes young squad.

5. Cubs. "Wait until next year"/always applies to Wrigley/sleeper in '15?

NL WEST

1. Dodgers. Already quite good/but if HanRam is healthy/they're unstoppable.

2. Giants. Health is crucial here/if San Fran wants to contend/in the wild West.

3. D-Backs. Many injuries/Corbin, B-Mac, Arroyo/so don't expect much.

4. Padres. With a stealth infield/Friars won't need miracles/to chase .500.

5. Rockies. No Chacin, no arms/plus burly offense equals/high scoring train wrecks.

NL Rookie of the Year: Billy Hamilton, Reds

AL Rookie of the Year: Nick Castellanos, Tigers

NL Cy Young: Clayton Kershaw, Dodgers

AL Cy Young: Felix Hernandez, Mariners

NL MVP: Andrew McCutchen, Pirates

AL MVP: Mike Trout, Angels

First Manager Fired: Mike Scioscia, Angels

2014 World Series: Los Angeles over Boston in 7

A Non-Illinoisan's Guide to the 2014 Illinois Primary (Written by an Illinoisan)

This Tuesday is the Illinois primary, that biennial exercise of democracy --er, vote-- that reminds us of the sorry state of gubernatorial politics in the Land of Lincoln. Here's a quick breakdown:

Governor: To the disappointment of some state Democrats, Pat Quinn should cruise through his party's nomination --his fourth straight on the gubernatorial ticket-- aspiring for a second full term as Illinois' top official. What was expected to be a wide-open race for this vulnerable incumbent was all but settled by last September. Attorney General Lisa Madigan was forced to bow out because of a potential scandal involving her father, State Speaker of the House Michael Madigan. Former White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley (son of Richard J, brother of Richard M) made a halfhearted sprint before quitting for personal reasons. Anti-violence activist Tio Hardiman, Quinn's sole remaining competitor, was never a factor in the race.

The GOP race is not as crowded as 2010's logjam --seven candidates in the running, with Bill Brady winning by less than 200 votes-- but there's a few familiar faces. The brash, polarizing Brady is running a second time against Bruce Rauner (a millionaire political novice), Kirk Dillard (a state senator and perennial bridesmaid), and state treasurer Dan Rutherford. Also unlike 2010, where a cluster of candidates from the same geographical area cancelled each other out, the four GOP hopefuls represent disparate parts of the state: Rauner is a Chicago native, Brady from Bloomington-Normal, Dillard from the west suburbs of Chicago, and Rutherford from small-town Pontiac. Recent polls suggest that Rauner will edge out Dillard to face the doddering Quinn.

U.S. Senate: Three-term incumbent and DC power-broker Dick Durbin is not facing any serious competition for the Democratic nomination. For the first time, however reelection is no sure thing; growing dissatisfaction by moderates and centrists toward the Obama administration will result in a tight race, regardless of who wins the GOP nomination.

On the Republican side, dairy magnate Jim Oberweis is by far the most recognizable name on the ballot. Also known as a politically active investment manager, Oberweis had lost five state elections at various levels before finally winning a Illinois Senate seat in 2012. Polls suggest that the fractured Illinois GOP will likely tilt toward Oberweis, as rival Doug Truax is in third place behind "undecided." In spite of endorsements from former Rep. Newt Gingrich and the Chicago Tribune, Truax's first run for public office will likely falter to Oberweis' deep coffers.

Congress: All 18 of Illinois' seats in the House of Representatives are on the ballot (duh) and though there are a few close races here and there, the state in general is likely to keep leaning Democrat. In the 13th District, GOP incumbent Rodney Davis is facing little opposition from challenger Erika Harold, though he might face a close race against Democratic frontrunner Ann Callis. The recently rearranged 17th District pits incumbent Democrat Cheri Bustos against her predecessor and 2012 opponent, Republican Bobby Schilling. Even if the House as a whole keeps leaning toward the right, the Land of Lincoln will help buffer a potential GOP blowout.

In spite of my cynical words, I encourage anyone reading this to please vote in your local primary this year, and most crucially in the midterm election this November. Even when the White House isn't at stake, there's a lot of issues on the docket and the future of American democracy is constantly shifting. Don't wait until the next presidential election to make your voice heard.

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The Best Laid Plans...

I've never been much for New Year's resolutions. The concept feels like an admission of failure or some type of character flaw. Plus, I look at goals from an objective and circumstantial standpoint; why must we reset on January 1st?

This year --or for the first quarter of 2014, anyway-- I'm putting an increased focus on my theater interests. I just made a house team at One Group Mind, a nationally-known improv organization with a local venue in Wrigleyville. In February, I'm moving the variety show I staged last year at a new theater, with a new name (House of Stuart) and a new night (Sundays in lieu of Wednesdays). I've taken on a business partner to assist in recouping any potential losses, and the longer run time will allow me to experiment with the show's format. The outcome of this show will ultimately determine whether I have a future in producing and potentially talent management.

Of course, that doesn't mean I'm still concerned with making a paycheck. I apply for jobs online on a daily basis, and I had more interviews in the last three months than the previous twelve combined. For now I'm still substitute teaching, waking up on less than two hours' notice whenever either of my two districts need an extra hand. I wanted to make 29 my most productive year, and though progress has been slightly slower than expected, I'm working toward my goals and not looking back.

Other notes:

+ Five months since its launch, my Facebook page "Stu News" is inching towards 350 likes. Follow this link to see what the hype is about.

+ Welcome to "Chiberia." Right now the Midwest is experiencing record-low temperatures and equally mind-boggling wind chills. It's terrible out in the suburbs, but from what I've heard even worse in the city. Until this blows over (pun not intended) I recommend my Wisconsin, Illinois, Iowa, and Indiana friends to venture out only if absolutely necessary.

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