Random Notes, December 2025

I'm trying to get back to writing this blog more consistently. I came down with some kind of viral infection early last week, and even though I'm mostly recovered, I'm still hoarse and finding time to rest has proved difficult. Now I'm putting my energies toward catching up on the year in music.

+ BEAR DOWN, CHICAGO BEARS! The future is now at Soldier Field. While I'm not expecting a championship this year, the turnaround and the change in culture has me reeling. The NFC is more wide open than it looks; neither the Rams, Seahawks, nor Niners look perfect, which should make for an enjoyable playoff. 

+ The Epstein files are out (mostly) and it's damning. The right-wing media is focused on Bill Clinton's presence in assorted photos and documents, but we know he's a sex pest and always has been. (Also, he left office 25 years ago.) Yet again, they're trying to protect a sitting president that has barely any moral compass and pivots to other concerns on a second's notice.

+ Phony rage-bait if there ever was: a college undergrad deliberately wrote a terrible essay to provoke a transgender college professor and plastered it online to gain sympathy from fellow Christians. Maybe if she'd actually quoted the Bible, she might have received one point out of 25.

Next week: as alluded above, my annual music recap.

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32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My 2025 NFL Preview

 

You know the drill:

*notes wild card

AFC NORTH

1. Ravens (12-5) Elite... until the/playoffs; rookie kicker is/only glaring concern.

2. Bengals* (10-7) Al Golden, new Vic/Fangio? Burrow-led O/can't win ten alone.

3. Steelers (8-9) Mister Rodgers' new/neighborhood; new O faces/contrast steady D.

4. Browns (5-12) Crowded QB room/among other issues; good/D-line stops pass rush.

AFC EAST

1. Bills (11-6) Allen to Kincaid/alone could carry the O/that new look D, though...

2. Dolphins (9-8) Locker room drama/makes Tua's head spin; can they/(Storm) Duck the friction?

3. Patriots (8-9) Vrabel is able/but to get this O going/it's gonna be... Maye.

4. Jets (4-13) Post-Aaron, Woody/is Field-ing a low risk bet/at QB ...for now.

AFC SOUTH

1. Texans (11-6) Low-key contender/if Stroud regains rookie form/and D-line still cooks. 

2. Jaguars (9-8) By-the-book Cats shake/it up with Hunter; patience/for Trevor wears thin.

3. Colts (5-12) Danny Dimes ponies/up; Taylor, Pittman, Warren/all stuck in first gear.

4. Titans (4-13) Stud O-line, Ward of/gifted young QB; Barton/sole vet linebacker.

AFC WEST

1. Chiefs (13-4) Mahomes isn't done/explosive plays needed to/make Worthy worthy.

2. Broncos* (10-7) Nix plays it safe as/top-tier secondary grinds/first downs to a halt.

3. Chargers* (10-7) Justin's pass stats mean/nothing without an O-line/Safety surplus helps.

4. Raiders (7-10) Geno inherits/gobs of weapons; will old Pete/right this motley ship?

NFC NORTH

1. Lions (13-4) New coaches, same Goff/Sonic & Knuckles tag-team/for elusive rings.

2. Packers* (10-7) Trading for Parsons/overshadows weak back end/like (not Love) the O.

3. Vikings (9-8) Recent draft picks aren't/impacting; heat on healthy/JJ, other kids.

4. Bears (8-9) On paper, new look/O could be entertaining/if Caleb makes strides.

NFC EAST

1. Eagles (14-3) High flying O keeps/soaring; Moro Ojomo/low-key sack leader?

2. Commanders* (12-5) Daniels, two-way threat/immediately elite/but old D might fade.

3. Cowboys (8-9) Parsons parses all/trade options; "all in" squad sure/looks like status quo.

4. Giants (5-11) Throwing (Jaxson) Darts/to see what sticks; good D-line/carries Blue burden.

NFC SOUTH

1. Bucs (10-7) Butchered Baker needs/playmakers; no edge pressure/means short playoff run.

2. Falcons (7-10) Young edges carry/patchwork D; Bijan and Drake/go hard for Penix.

3. Panthers (6-11) Which Bryce will show up/anxious ankle-biter, cool/mite or small wonder?

4. Saints (3-14) Bring back the paper/bag "hats," young Tyler isn't/ready for Shough-time.

NFC WEST

1. Niners (12-5) Brock needs receivers/Jauan wants a raise; question/marks on solid squad.

2. Rams* (11-6) McVay props up old/Stafford for another year/with bright young wideouts.

3. Seahawks (8-9) Gallant gulls, frugal/yet bold; Charbonnet becomes/Darnold's fave target.

4. Cardinals (7-10) Marvin is starvin'/to break out; healthy Kyler/makes Redbirds dark horse?

MVP: Jalen Hurts, Eagles

OROY: Ashton Jeanty, Raiders

DROY: Mykel Williams, Niners

First head coach fired: Brian Daboll, Giants

Super Bowl LX: Eagles 27, Bills 20

(756)

32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My (Slightly Delayed) 2024 NFL Preview

Due to circumstance, I did not finish my annual pigskin forecast until after the Chiefs-Ravens game was completed, but just before the Packers-Eagles Brazil tilt. Regardless, to my small but loyal legion of readers (and short-form poetry enthusiasts) I didn't want to let you down.

*asterisks note wild cards

AFC NORTH

1. Ravens (12-5) One toe over the/line, sweet Jesus; next time, give/the ball to Henry.

2. Bengals* (10-7) Young and well-scouted/a full season of healthy/Joe really matters.

3. Steelers (7-10) About average/(again), assuming Wilson/has anything left.

4. Browns (5-12) Stefanski, sous chef/cooks with odd ingredients/but these Dawgs eat bones.

AFC EAST

1. Dolphins (11-6) Still feasting on bad/teams; do they have the Wright stuff/to really contend?

2. Bills (10-7) Wide right? Wide left? Give/Allen some targets first, *then*/rebuild special teams.

3. Jets (8-9) Improved on paper/but Rodgers is 40 and/he's not Tom Brady.

4. Patriots (3-14) Maye day, Maye day! These/Yanks are spiraling; pass rush/only saving grace.

AFC SOUTH

1. Texans (11-6) Say it's loud, they're back/and it's Stroud; healthy targets/augment the danger.

2. Jaguars (9-8) Beyond Trevor, these/cats are mid; blond bomber needs/a full top-tier year.

3. Colts (8-9) On paper, Tony/and Taylor should feast; they're dark/horses if healthy.

4. Titans (7-10) New pass-happy O/compliment corner upgrades/but Levis still stinks.

AFC WEST

1. Chiefs (12-5) Super Bowl three-peat/seems imminent, but yes, let's/fixate on Taylor.

2. Chargers* (10-7) History versus/Harbaugh; salary cap curbs/progress or fortunes.

3. Raiders (8-9) Defense… to the Maxx!/Receivers carry slapdash/O; in short, middling.

4. Broncos (6-11) Nix takes his licks; quick/release, book smarts turns fillies/into dark horses.

NFC NORTH

1. Lions (12-5) Outside receiver/sole concern; the claws are out/at long last, Motown!

2. Bears* (10-7) Caleb, golden boy/the elite QB they've dreamed/of, or next Cutler?

3. Packers (8-9) Nice try, Romeo/Love has other options; new/D scheme is X-factor.

4. Vikings (7-10) No JJ? Oh boy/this O is only as good/as Darnold serves up.

NFC EAST

1. Eagles (11-5) Mere thoughts of last year's/collapse still Hurt(s); with Saquon/there's no room to fail.

2. Cowboys (9-8) No changes, all in/win a title or rebuild/like Jerry Jones' face.

3. Giants (7-10) Dimes or Cutlets, this/O is boom or bust; pass rush/carries wobbly D.

4. Commanders (4-13) Patchwork O-line sinks/Beltway betterment; Jayden/will miss LSU.

NFC SOUTH

1. Falcons (10-7) A healthy Cousins/hears London calling; middling/D overt setback.

2. Buccaneers (9-8) Baker and Evans/a fun combo, but can they/establish the run?

3. Saints (7-10) A gumbo of "ifs"/O-line attrition, aging/D, and so-so Carr.

4. Panthers (4-13) Wee Young, next Flutie/sings “Mingo was his name-o”/as rebuild protracts.

NFC WEST

1. Niners (12-5) The next team with a/Super Bowl hangover; one/fears how they'll falter.

2. Cardinals* (11-6) An O starvin' for/Marvin; if all goes right, eat/drink, and be Murray!

3. Rams* (10-7) Avila carries/soft O-line; aging Stoddard/has one good year left.

4. Seahawks (8-9) Good receivers, doomed/in strong West; top-tier ST/keeps birds from crashing.

NFL MVP: Patrick Mahomes, Chiefs
OROY: Caleb Williams, Bears
DROY: Laiatu Latu, Colts
First head coach fired: Brian Daboll, Giants
Super Bowl LIX: Chiefs over Lions, 30-20

Thoughts?

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32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My 2023 NFL Preview

 

After a remarkably wild summer here in Chicago --at least, as the weather as concerned-- football season sort of crept up on us. The Cubs are watchable but not contending, and the other city sports offerings have been a letdown, so why not get in on the Bears at entry level? As for the NFL as a whole, the AFC has a surplus of elite QBs, balanced out by an NFC that has quality wideouts to spare, and a good set of linebackers are a commodity no matter where you are. With world champion Kansas City hosting Detroit --two interesting teams, but hardly a rivalry-- to start the year, where does everyone really stand? 

Yes, I'm starting my annual pigskin delve with my boldest prediction. 

*notes wild card

NFC NORTH

1. Lions (10-7). Music in Motown/again; in Great Lakes dogfight/kitties claw to top.

2. Vikings (9-8). Close wins, lucky breaks/won’t sustain; can Flores fix/the secondary?

3. Bears (8-9). Fields is fun to watch/but wins are scant; porous D/curbs any progress.

4. Packers (7-10). No summer of Love/in Wisconsin tundra; soft/D evokes Swiss cheese.

NFC EAST

1. Eagles (13-4). Iffy holding calls/aside, vengeance is likely/so elite, it Hurts.

2. Cowboys (10-7)*. Dak says he won't throw/15 interceptions... he'll/throw 16 instead.

3. Giants (8-9). This year’s boom or bust/squad; Daboll and Jones will thrive/or fail, simply put.

4. Commanders (5-12). New owners, who dis?/Crafty D, patchwork O means/more Beltway boredom.

NFC SOUTH

1. Saints (10-7). Oil of Olave/keeps the Carr running; deep D/won’t just pump the brakes.

2. Falcons (8-9). Boo-birds’ high-flying/…ground game? Lack of wideouts eye/of the rebuild storm.

3. Buccaneers (7-10). Brady to Baker/saves some doubloons; younger squad/barely stays afloat.

4. Panthers (6-11). Young Bryce scurries as/O-line falters; low-key D/is Cats’ saving grace.

NFC WEST

1. 49ers (13-4). Purdy persuasion/regardless of who's QB/loaded O will feast.

2. Seahawks (10-7)*. I was wrong about/Geno; offbeat Gulls win with/excess receivers.

3. Rams (7-10). Absurd dead cap space/aging Stafford and Donald/not bad… but a mess.

4. Cardinals (3-14). Marquise attraction/wideout carries O while/Kyler recovers. 

AFC NORTH

1. Bengals (12-5). No average Joes/here; win-now mindset gives Chase/but windows can close.

2. Ravens (11-6)*. Receiver upgrade/(finally) lets Lamar throw/outside the numbers.

3. Steelers (9-8). Rarely bad, that’s not/news; how wicked will Pickett/be in season two?

4. Browns (7-10). D upgrades help, but/Watson rubs us the wrong way/even with a Chubb.

AFC EAST

1. Bills (14-3). If Hyde, Poyer, and/Von can stay healthy, they’ll break/records (and tables).

2. Dolphins (12-5)*. Tua is ready/assuming he’s healthy, or/he’ll die on his Hill.

3. Jets (10-7)*. Does Rodgers play out/of pocket… or a cave? There’s/something in the Sauce.

4. Patriots (7-10). How the tables turn/Mac must attack, or Kraft will/Jones for a rebuild.

AFC SOUTH

1. Jaguars (10-7). Lawrence won’t welk; new/targets burnish his Pro Bowl/case. Cue the bubbles!

2. Titans (8-9). Levis better learn/quick; solid D can’t cover/atrocious O-line.

3. Colts (6-11). It’s Tony Dimes’ time/run-happy O obscures young/buck under center.

4. Texans (5-12). Young with upside, yet/briskly cowed by injuries/new O-line might stun. 

AFC WEST

1. Chiefs (14-3). Youthful D is boom/or bust; with Mahomes, they’ll romp/the West anyway.

2. Chargers (11-6)*. Color me shocked if/they win a playoff game for/once; Horse Knob Herbert?

3. Broncos (8-9). Forget the diva/treatment, Peyton will force Russ/to earn his paycheck.

4. Raiders (5-12). Too many Pats’ hand/me downs (Jimmy G, Hoyer)/hold back Josh Jacobs.

NFL MVP: Patrick Mahomes, Chiefs

Offensive POY: Christian McCaffrey, Niners

Defensive POY: Ahmad “Sauce” Gardner, Jets

Offensive ROY: Bijan Robinson, Falcons

Defensive ROY: Jalen Carter, Eagles

First Head Coach Fired: Josh McDaniels, Raiders

Super Bowl LVIII: Niners 30, Bills 26

(718)

32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My 2020 NFL Preview

 

Hey, I guess we're having a football season.

At the onset of the outbreak nearly six months ago, it looked like the NFL was in a better position than pretty much any other team sport. After all, their season wasn't halted. Then the pandemic dragged on into the summer and fall, and probably into 2021. The league bucked trends and opted to have partially filled stadiums, at least until another spike halts the season. (At least tonight's Chiefs-Texans season opener was played without relative incident.)

With or without COVID, the NFL is still ripe for drama and storylines. How will the Patriots manage without TB12 for the first time in nearly two decades? Is the NFC West really that good, and is the AFC East really that uninspiring? What if I break it down, 17 soma at at time?

*note playoff wild cards

NFC NORTH

1. Vikings (11-5). Thielen and Cook/a two-way offensive threat/make it (purple) rain.

2. Packers* (10-6). No team needs fulfilled/"don't fix what isn't broken"/a cheesy mantra.

3. Bears (9-7). The heat is on, Mitch/you need a hot start, or you'll/make friends into Foles.

4. Lions (6-10). A healthy Stafford/is load-bearing; the improved/young D must impress.

NFC EAST

1. Eagles (10-6). Look at Carson throw/(when he's not hurt) but watch new/look secondary.

2. Cowboys (8-8). Their O is fine; the/new boom-or-bust D concerns/me. Sleeper? Just hype? 

3. Giants (6-10). Instability/holds; unproven Jones matures/with awful O-line.

4. Washington (3-13). As anonymous/as their name; rebuild phase one/red-yellow mish-mosh.

NFC SOUTH

1. Saints (11-5). Beat the Vikes and we'll/talk titles; Brees is still a/Hall of Fame QB.

2. Buccaneers* (9-7). Tampa Tommy time!/High scoring balances weak/special teams, soft D.

3. Falcons (6-10). 28 to 3/odds of playoff return; this/D still underwhelms.

4. Panthers (4-12). Young secondary/faces uphill battle. Just/McCaffery on O?

NFC WEST

1. Niners (13-3). Love the coaches. Too/much talent now; will suffer/in free agency.

2. Seahawks* (10-6). Overhauled pass rush/will turn heads; more pressure on/Russ to carry O.

3. Rams (9-7). No Gurley? Time to/man up; Goff and remaining/backs will pick up slack.

4. Cardinals (6-10). Trendy, but I'm not/sold; don't rule out Kyler, though/young D must grow up.

AFC NORTH

1. Ravens (13-3). Lamar is so good/he's done everything but/win a playoff game!

2. Steelers* (12-4). The clock's on Big Ben/no COVID opt-outs, that helps/depth, hard to ignore.

3. Browns (7-9). They'll make the playoffs/...someday; can their Baker stop/making turnovers?

4. Bengals (3-13). Burrow's not hiding/I forgot AJ Green is/still on this team. Wow.

AFC EAST

1. Patriots (10-6). Wham, bam, thank you Cam/most flawed team in ages, but/still best of weak bunch.

2. Dolphins* (9-7). Tua good to be/true; disciplined D needs to/speed up, make big plays.

3. Bills (7-9). Running Fromm problems?/Rough midseason schedule/deters decent squad.

4. Jets (6-10). Darnold can't say he's/green anymore; vexing gap/at outside corner.

AFC SOUTH

1. Titans* (10-6). No glaring flaws here/Tannehill, Lazarus act/Super Bowl dark horse?

2. Texans* (9-7). PR disasters/aside, weak pass D countered/by Watson magic.

3. Colts (7-9). Cupcake early sked/doesn't fool me; old Rivers/won't be wading long.

4. Jaguars (2-14). The new XFL/had better teams; these cats are/domesticated.

AFC WEST

1. Chiefs (14-2). The best get better/if everyone on offense/can stay healthy... YIKES!

2. Chargers (8-8). No QB, but lots/of weapons; D ensures a/few low-scoring wins.

3. Broncos (6-10). Stiff competition/doesn't make wins a Lock; zone/heavy D works cheap.

4. Raiders (5-11). Sin City, at last/Carr needs more drive, so Gruden/drafted some hot rods.

Offensive ROY: CeeDee Lamb, Cowboys

Defensive ROY: Isaiah Simmons, Cardinals

First Head Coach Fired: Dan Quinn, Falcons

NFL MVP: Patrick Mahomes, Chiefs

Super Bowl LV: Chiefs 30, Niners 27

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32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My 2018 NFL Preview

I meant to post this before the Falcons-Iggles game tonight, so I apologize for the delay:

Another NFL season is upon us. Much like the Western Conference in the NBA, its clear the NFC has an overall edge on the AFC. Where the NFC North and West expect to be extremely competitive, the AFC North and South are a motley crew of uninspiring, so-so squads. Even with the Eagles boasting two elite, proven quarterbacks the competition in their own conference took a step up. The AFC has the Pats, Steelers, Texans, maybe the Bolts... and everyone else.

With that said, here is my 2018 NFL forecast, 17 syllables at a time:

NOTE: asterisks indicate wild cards

NFC North
1. Vikings. (10-6) Yum, a healthy Cook/makes rushing game savory/balance is the key.
2. Packers*. (10-6) Rodgers, China doll/weak O-line fails at their job/a legend is cheesed.
3. Bears. (7-9) The Monsters are back/D upgrades overshadow/raw, feral offense.
4. Lions. (7-9) Time for "Patty Ball"/Stafford finally has help/young D still growing.

NFC East
1. Eagles. (11-5) Foles the folk hero/must not lay an egg; repeat/depends on tough sked.
2. Giants. (9-7) Saquon, savior/finally, a rushing game/but no scoring D.
3. Cowboys. (8-8) O-line injuries/flattens the Dak; all eyes on/young secondary.
4. Redskins. (4-12) Their play-action game/doesn't fit Smith; on defense/more taters than Hogs.

NFC South
1. Saints. (11-5) Williams' gaffe aside/a team with this much bench depth/should be canonized.
2. Falcons*. (10-6) 28 to 3/still lingers; Ridley can run/believe it or not!
3. Panthers. (7-9) Beyond Cam, the O/is more kitten than cat; watch/the superb D-line.
4. Bucs. (5-11) A pure zone D can/only do so much; Jameis/needs to mature, stat!

NFC West
1. Rams. (12-4) Simply dynamic/don't scoff at Goff's weapons/One flaw? LB depth.
2. 49ers. (9-7) High-end defense picks/must earn their paychecks; Jimmy/G. can't do it all.
3. Seahawks. (7-9) Drama, now rebuild/Wilson needs a running back/new guys must produce.
4. Cardinals. (6-10) Suspect new head coach/inherits rare QB depth/birds fly if healthy.

AFC North
1. Steelers. (11-5) Big Ben clangs along/young edge rushers carry D/makes high-scoring thrills.
2. Ravens. (8-8) The "Wolf Pack" is back/a healthy Flacco still rolls/my playoff sleeper.
3. Bengals. (7-9) New O-line, who dey?/that Burfict situation/leaves hole at LB.
4. Browns. (4-12) A slow crawl back up/no new Hue, they're still orange/but upgrades intrigue.

AFC East
1. Patriots. (11-5) Brady, immortal?/Don't let yards allowed fool you/the machine rolls on.
2. Bills. (7-9) After fluke playoff/run, lack of receivers send/bison back to earth.
3. Dolphins. (6-10) Murphy's Law season/has passed; head coach must prove his/Gase or be fired.
4. Jets. (4-12) No clear-cut QB/top notch D wasted by green/faces on offense.

AFC South
1. Texans. (10-6) Bounce-back quite likely/a (healthy) dear Watson is/elementary.
2. Titans*. (9-7) Everything weighs/on Mariota's health; good/depth is not enough.
3. Jaguars. (8-8) This defense has claws/underappreciated/Bortles runs the ball.
4. Colts. (5-11) Luck is running out/Hilton aside, the whole South/has passed these ponies.

AFC West
1. Chargers. (10-6) The sacks keep coming/and underrated Rivers/keeps offense floating.
2. Chiefs*. (9-7) Young Mahomes has toys/but porous D persists; will/the hotshot grow up?
3. Broncos. (6-10) No horsing around/at QB, a puzzling Case/fans might get a Chubb.
4. Raiders. (5-11) Davis and Chucky/wheel and deal without mercy/Vegas move distracts.

NFL MVP: Todd Gurley, Rams
Offensive ROY: Saquon Barkley, Giants
Defensive ROY: Roquan Smith, Bears
First Head Coach Fired: Hue Jackson, Browns
Super Bowl LIII: Patriots 25, Rams 20

(599)

Sit, Stand, Kneel

I'll keep this short and sweet: any NFL player that prefers to kneel in protest shouldn't have to explain why they're kneeling. We have a president that is doing far more to divide than unite, race relations in the U.S. are at a nadir I haven't seen in my lifetime, and police brutality is still going unresolved in most metropolitan areas. The idea of locking arms in solidarity feels like a cop-out and an unnecessary point of compromise.

(565)

32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My 2017 NFL Preview

It doesn't seem like the NFL season is right around the corner. Its been a tumultuous summer, and perhaps some of us aren't ready yet for the first kickoff. Nevertheless, the defending Super Bowl champion Patriots (and Tom Brady, probably in his final season) start the year against Kansas City on September 7th. Controversies still swirl around Colin Kaepernick and Zeke Elliott, and I can think of six or seven teams that are going to be horrendous this year (including my Beloveds). Let me break it down for you, 17 soma at a time:

AFC NORTH

1. Steelers. (13-3) Young D impresses/O firepower maintained/Pats’ only real foe.

2. Ravens. (8-8) Good but complacent/ground attack needs improvement/for real playoff talk.

3. Bengals. (6-10) Lewis on the hot/seat; another step backwards/could mean the heave-ho.

4. Browns. (3-13) Last year? Rock bottom/nowhere to go but up, if/you don’t mind kneeling.

AFC EAST

1. Patriots. (13-3) Of course them again/even without Edelman/the machine rolls on.

2. Dolphins*. (9-7) Cutler, short term fix/receivers alone make this/a playoff sleeper.

3. Bills. (5-11) Still meandering/Tyrod is overrated/rebuilding looms near.

4. Jets. (2-14) Gang Green, no blood flow/abysmal offense puts the/”hack” in “Hackenberg.”

AFC SOUTH

1. Titans. (10-6) Young and ready now/Mariota will dazzle/if he stays healthy.

2. Texans. (8-8) So many “De-” names/but QB play will hinder/and exhaust real D.

3. Colts. (7-9) No O-line? Good Luck/(or good grief); lack of support/after overhaul.

4. Jaguars. (3-13) Free agency whiz/fails to generate results/or score any points.

AFC WEST

1. Raiders. (11-5) Vegas move lingers/Carr and Beast Quake fireworks/distract from ill will.

2. Broncos*. (10-6) Without a QB/Geep Chryst’s name, taken in vain/D, though? Dominant.

3. Chiefs. (9-7) Red and yellow blues/same suspect O carried by/sturdy D. Ho-hum.

4. Chargers. (7-9) Welcome to LA/new scenery but same Bolts/I’m not seeing stars.

NFC NORTH

1. Packers. (11-5) Oh god, them again/near elite but annoying/Rodgers’ neighborhood.

2. Lions. (9-7) Good team with bad coach/a healthy Ameer helps, but/please no Hail Marys.

3. Vikings. (6-10) Skill positions on/O don’t impress; no flukes like/last year, just boring.

4. Bears. (5-11) This is rebuilding/quarterback situation/might prove distracting.

NFC EAST

1. Cowboys. (10-6) Dak needs new attack/until Zeke returns; still quite/steady all around.

2. Giants*. (9-7) Expensive defense/overshadows old Eli/and Beckham drama.

3. Redskins. (7-9) Beltway bedlam; a/dysfunctional family/with pissed-off Cousins.

4. Eagles. (6-10) Wentz’ growing pains/numbed by Alshon’s comeback, but/they’re still rebuilding.

NFC SOUTH

1. Falcons. (11-5) Fear of hangover/after Super Bowl collapse/quashed with hot start.

2. Panthers*. (10-6) Jekyll and Hyde squad/secondary woes will be/playoff X-factor.

3. Buccaneers. (8-8) Dangerous youngsters/if Winston keeps smoking, these/pirates will plunder.

4. Saints. (7-9) Surplus of targets/await Brees, but the young D/remains unsettled.

NFC WEST

1. Seahawks. (10-6) Their soap opera/is a distraction; O-line/is of great concern.

2. Cardinals. (9-7) A sleeper team if/healthy; don’t doubt Arians/miracle worker.

3. Rams. (6-10) Worse than they look, Goff/must prove he’s not a flop or/the horns will fall off.

4. Niners. (3-13) Very modest goals/new coaches search for gold and/turn up some pyrite.

OTHER PICKS:

NFL MVP: Jameis Winston, Bucs

Offensive ROY: Christian McCaffrey, Panthers

Defensive ROY: Myles Garrett, Browns

First Head Coach Fired: Doug Marrone, Jaguars

Super Bowl LI: Patriots 29, Cowboys 10

(562)

32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My 2016 NFL Preview

With bated breath, the 2016 NFL season kicks off on Thursday, September 8th with a Super Bowl 50 rematch of the Broncos and Panthers. This year should be a fun with one; its fairly obvious who will be the last four teams in the NFC playoffs, but a Manning-less Denver team and a suspended Tom Brady makes for (at least, in September) a wide open AFC. We Beloveds fans are keeping expectations modest; the last two Bears teams to start the preseason 0-3 made the playoffs, so we'll believe what comes out of this bunch when we see it.

The biggest change in the NFL this offseason --at least, in my opinion-- was Panini America's exclusive trading card deal. Topps' six-decade association with the league, which almost mirrors the entire modern history of football cards, ended with all the randomness of a coin flip. Panini (which bought out Donruss in 2009) puts out a quality product, but it just won't be the same.

Digressions aside, here's my annual team-by-team breakdown, 17 soma at a time. (Asterisks note wild card teams.)

NFC NORTH

1. Packers (11-5): High-flying offense/back in shape; still, they're fourth-best/in this conference.

2. Vikings (8-8): I expected more/Teddy's ACL, Blair Walsh/and that bird problem.

3. Bears (6-10): Solid front seven/carries weak secondary/oh yeah, and Cutler.

4. Lions (5-11): Farewell, Megatron/not awful, but a little/Cooter does the trick.

NFC EAST

1. Giants (10-6): An impressive draft/and Eli has one more good/year left in the tank.

2. Redskins (9-7)*: A good team, really/Snyder is kissin' Cousins/Norman was a steal.

3. Eagles (6-10): Kelly? Good riddance!/Bradford to Mathews might be/potent if healthy.

4. Cowboys (5-11): Little Dak Prescott/wee rookie among giants/Elliott, though? Damn!

NFC SOUTH

1. Panthers (13-3): Benjamin is back/young Cam, miracle worker/they dab with their claws.

2. Buccaneers (7-9): Jameis improving/these soggy pirates have hope/but playoffs? Not yet.

3. Saints (6-10): Brees, passing machine/but with same porous defense/high-scoring fan angst.

4. Falcons (4-12): Blackbirds heading south/Matty Ice, underrated/but no O-line help.

NFC WEST

1. Seahawks (13-3): Quirky yet intense/scoring on both sides of the/ball is (Puget) sound.

2. Cardinals (12-4)*: Palmer, Fitz, aging/beasts; window of victory/is shutting slowly.

3. Rams (8-8): Goodbye, Gateway Arch/new locale, QB hides lack/of offense upgrades.

4. 49ers (4-12): Atrocious offense/won't click; if I were Colin/I would sit down, too.

AFC NORTH

1. Steelers (12-4): Big Ben on the clock/the rush suffers without Bell/still, stealth contenders.

2. Bengals (9-7): Tempers cost them big/the running scheme needs blinders/or they'll choke again.

3. Ravens (5-11): Flacco, Smith, Forsett/are dangerous when healthy/no fullback depth hurts.

4. Browns (3-13): RG3, upgrade/(not a joke); proud Clevelanders/wish LeBron took snaps.

AFC EAST

1. Patriots (12-4): Belichick: "Tom who?"/no real divisional threats/best of a flawed bunch.

2. Dolphins (8-8): Tannehill, due for/a breakout; still too many/questions for playoffs.

4. Jets (7-9): Needs more depth, even/with great receiver combo/young, but not too Green.

4. Bills (6-10): Your Stanley Cup champs/training camp injuries, yikes/Taylor needs targets!

AFC SOUTH

1. Colts (11-5): Struggles last year were/Luck or just coincidence?/Also, where's the sacks?

2. Texans (10-6)*: Offensive upgrades/Hopkins no longer Lone Star/And defense? Watt's good.

3. Titans (6-10): Young, hard to forecast/Mariota racks up points/for roto rosters.

4. Jaguars (4-12): Not quite laughingstocks/promising but unproven/chiefly on defense.

AFC WEST

1. Broncos (11-5): That lock-down defense/does the heavy lifting, and/Siemian's no ape.

2. Raiders (10-6)*: The playoffs loom near/but they need one more wideout/to be contenders.

3. Chiefs (7-9): A Lazarus act/is nothing new; to win now/they'll walk on water.

4. Chargers (5-11): Defense overhaul/underway; Rivers wasted/by shallow talent.

OTHER PICKS:

NFL MVP: Cam Newton, Panthers

Offensive ROY: Ezekiel Elliott, Cowboys

Defensive ROY: Joey Bosa, Chargers

First Head Coach Fired: Jim Caldwell, Lions

Super Bowl LI: Panthers 29, Patriots 17

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Which CFL Team Are You?

Last week, the 2016 Canadian Football League season began. For many Americans, the CFL is somewhere between a quirky parallel world and a bizarre afterthought. To others, it’s a desperate stopgap when their baseball team is foundering and there’s no other team sports to watch. I’m not a die-hard CFL fan per se, but if there’s a game on TV (thanks, ESPN!) I’ll tune in.

If you are among the minority of NFL fans that need a desperate pigskin fix, you might be surprised to know that the CFL draws some interesting parallels.

WEST DIVISION
BC Lions: If any CFL team adopted and embraced the over-hyped “west coast offense” of the 1980s, look no further than Vancouver. The Lions are also a team that was very good in the 2000s but are now in rebuilding mode. Compares to: 49ers, Seahawks, Rams, Chargers
Calgary Stampeders: They have a stifling pass-rush defense, but their run-to-set-up-the-pass offense doesn’t really compare to anyone in particular. At the same time, they’ve had a lot of alumni that used to play for Bears, Vikings, and Chiefs’ secondary and practice squads.
Edmonton Eskimos: The offense finally clicked last year, giving the Esks their first title in over a decade. They don’t seem to have a lot of personality, though. Compares to: Colts, Panthers, Broncos
Saskatchewan Roughriders: The green and silver play in Regina, arguably the most rural and socially conservative city in Canada. Deep south football fans might relate to that. They’re also the only major sports team in the entire province. Compares to: Titans, Bucs, Falcons, Saints
Winnipeg Blue Bombers: At 22 seasons and counting, the Bombers have the longest Grey Cup drought in the league. Their fans are loyal, if not grumpy and self-deprecating. Compares to: Jets, Cardinals, Lions, Bills

EAST DIVISION
Hamilton Tiger-Cats: These longtime also-rans lost the Grey Cup in 2013 and 2014, so hope springs eternal. Historically a bridesmaid, rarely a bride. They have the same colors as the Steelers, and Hamilton is also a steel town, but they also compare to the Bengals, Dolphins, and Redskins.
Montreal Alouettes: The most dominant team of the past decade or so might mesh well with New England football fans, but Larks fans don’t treat this as a religious experience. Plus, the core of those championship teams is starting to age. Compares to: Eagles, Ravens, Giants
Ottawa Redblacks: There is a history of football in Canada’s capital city, but it came to a halt when the Renegades folded in the mid-2000s. An expansion team with the same colors (but not the same name) emerged in 2013, going through most of the same growing pains new franchises go through. Compares to: Jaguars, Browns, Texans, Raiders
Toronto Argonauts: The team with a tradition of winning, and the team everyone else in the league hates. “They don’t rebuild, they reload.” Enough said. Compares to: Packers, Patriots, Cowboys

Happy Canada Day!

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32 Teams, 32 Haiku, My 2015 NFL Preview

If the ringing of school bells and an unusual late August cold snap haven't made it obvious, summer is more or less over. That also means football season is right around the corner. Here is my annual forecast, 17 syllables at a time:

AFC NORTH
1. Bengals (10-6). Dalton, Green, and crew/have the experience to/leave playoffs early.
2. Ravens (9-7). Defensive upgrades/were a plus; tough road matchups/are the X-factor.
3. Steelers (8-8). Young and dangerous/Big Ben is on the clock now/solid dark horse pick.
4. Browns (5-11). Weakest among weak/the Manziel drama distracts/great O-line squandered.

AFC EAST
1. Patriots (11-5). Deflated footballs/a temporary setback/playoffs are a lock.
2. Dolphins* (10-6). A sleeper, perhaps/a scary passing attack/might usurp the Pats.
3. Bills (7-9). Knowing Rex Ryan/the defense will do its job/but who's the QB?
4. Jets (4-12). New coach, more drama/after big moves, disarray/is Gang Green diseased?

AFC SOUTH
1. Colts (13-3). Luck? More like fortune/in weak division, triumph/and maybe a ring.
2. Texans (8-8). Foster and Hopkins/carry the O; JJ Watt/carries Lone Star dreams.
3. Titans (5-11). Mariota? STUD/but there's little else to gloat/about in Nashville.
4. Jaguars (3-13). Offseason chaos/for an already bad team/makes great comedy.

AFC WEST
1. Broncos (12-4). Weary old Peyton/is surrounded by enough/to contend once more.
2. Chiefs* (10-6). The talent's there, but/the receivers need touchdowns/playmakers, step up!
3. Chargers (8-8). A potent offense/has many Rivers to cross/if playoffs are goal.
4. Raiders (4-12). Last year in Oakland?/Question marks abound, although/the youth shows promise.

NFC NORTH
1. Packers (11-5). Losing Jordy hurts/but Rodgers will persevere/in the land of cheese.
2. Vikings (9-7). Teddy and All Day/on paper, a lethal pair/but unknowns linger.
3. Lions (8-8). A boy named Suh, gone/in comes Haloti Ngata/a small step backwards.
4. Bears (6-10). Adieu, weak Trestman/sly Fox picks up the pieces/but Jay doesn't care.

NFC EAST
1. Eagles (11-5). Uh... hi, Tim Tebow/you and Bradford might tag-team/Kelly, mad genius?
2. Cowboys* (10-6). Besides running back/there's less uncertainty here/Randle might break out.
3. Giants (7-9). Odell's theatrics/will be a fun distraction/on a middling team.
4. Redskins (5-11). Gruden and Griffin/squabble; if you thought Congress/couldn't get work done...

NFC SOUTH
1. Panthers (9-7). Victors by default/a stingy defense beclouds/a suspect run game.
2. Falcons (8-8). Matty Ice is fine/but the D needs work A-SAP/will guru Quinn help?
3. Saints (6-10). Age and attrition/an overhaul looms, but don't/undervalue Brees.
4. Buccaneers (4-12). Winston is smokin'/...or so he thinks; growing pains/for jejune pirates.

NFC WEST
1. Seahawks (12-4). The 12th man matters/mostly unchanged, they'll conquer/Big Russ won't back down.
2. Cardinals* (10-6). Overachievers?/I disagree; these Redbirds/have many weapons.
3. 49ers (7-9). A mass exodus/an empire in tatters/but they might compete.
4. Rams (5-11). A healthy QB/is a godsend, but playoffs/would be a surprise.

OTHER PICKS:
NFL MVP: JJ Watt, Texans
Offensive ROY: Amari Cooper, Raiders
Defensive ROY: Landon Collins, Giants
First Head Coach Fired: Gus Bradley, Jaguars
Super Bowl L: Seahawks 24, Colts 19

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