32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My 2020 NFL Preview

 

Hey, I guess we're having a football season.

At the onset of the outbreak nearly six months ago, it looked like the NFL was in a better position than pretty much any other team sport. After all, their season wasn't halted. Then the pandemic dragged on into the summer and fall, and probably into 2021. The league bucked trends and opted to have partially filled stadiums, at least until another spike halts the season. (At least tonight's Chiefs-Texans season opener was played without relative incident.)

With or without COVID, the NFL is still ripe for drama and storylines. How will the Patriots manage without TB12 for the first time in nearly two decades? Is the NFC West really that good, and is the AFC East really that uninspiring? What if I break it down, 17 soma at at time?

*note playoff wild cards

NFC NORTH

1. Vikings (11-5). Thielen and Cook/a two-way offensive threat/make it (purple) rain.

2. Packers* (10-6). No team needs fulfilled/"don't fix what isn't broken"/a cheesy mantra.

3. Bears (9-7). The heat is on, Mitch/you need a hot start, or you'll/make friends into Foles.

4. Lions (6-10). A healthy Stafford/is load-bearing; the improved/young D must impress.

NFC EAST

1. Eagles (10-6). Look at Carson throw/(when he's not hurt) but watch new/look secondary.

2. Cowboys (8-8). Their O is fine; the/new boom-or-bust D concerns/me. Sleeper? Just hype? 

3. Giants (6-10). Instability/holds; unproven Jones matures/with awful O-line.

4. Washington (3-13). As anonymous/as their name; rebuild phase one/red-yellow mish-mosh.

NFC SOUTH

1. Saints (11-5). Beat the Vikes and we'll/talk titles; Brees is still a/Hall of Fame QB.

2. Buccaneers* (9-7). Tampa Tommy time!/High scoring balances weak/special teams, soft D.

3. Falcons (6-10). 28 to 3/odds of playoff return; this/D still underwhelms.

4. Panthers (4-12). Young secondary/faces uphill battle. Just/McCaffery on O?

NFC WEST

1. Niners (13-3). Love the coaches. Too/much talent now; will suffer/in free agency.

2. Seahawks* (10-6). Overhauled pass rush/will turn heads; more pressure on/Russ to carry O.

3. Rams (9-7). No Gurley? Time to/man up; Goff and remaining/backs will pick up slack.

4. Cardinals (6-10). Trendy, but I'm not/sold; don't rule out Kyler, though/young D must grow up.

AFC NORTH

1. Ravens (13-3). Lamar is so good/he's done everything but/win a playoff game!

2. Steelers* (12-4). The clock's on Big Ben/no COVID opt-outs, that helps/depth, hard to ignore.

3. Browns (7-9). They'll make the playoffs/...someday; can their Baker stop/making turnovers?

4. Bengals (3-13). Burrow's not hiding/I forgot AJ Green is/still on this team. Wow.

AFC EAST

1. Patriots (10-6). Wham, bam, thank you Cam/most flawed team in ages, but/still best of weak bunch.

2. Dolphins* (9-7). Tua good to be/true; disciplined D needs to/speed up, make big plays.

3. Bills (7-9). Running Fromm problems?/Rough midseason schedule/deters decent squad.

4. Jets (6-10). Darnold can't say he's/green anymore; vexing gap/at outside corner.

AFC SOUTH

1. Titans* (10-6). No glaring flaws here/Tannehill, Lazarus act/Super Bowl dark horse?

2. Texans* (9-7). PR disasters/aside, weak pass D countered/by Watson magic.

3. Colts (7-9). Cupcake early sked/doesn't fool me; old Rivers/won't be wading long.

4. Jaguars (2-14). The new XFL/had better teams; these cats are/domesticated.

AFC WEST

1. Chiefs (14-2). The best get better/if everyone on offense/can stay healthy... YIKES!

2. Chargers (8-8). No QB, but lots/of weapons; D ensures a/few low-scoring wins.

3. Broncos (6-10). Stiff competition/doesn't make wins a Lock; zone/heavy D works cheap.

4. Raiders (5-11). Sin City, at last/Carr needs more drive, so Gruden/drafted some hot rods.

Offensive ROY: CeeDee Lamb, Cowboys

Defensive ROY: Isaiah Simmons, Cardinals

First Head Coach Fired: Dan Quinn, Falcons

NFL MVP: Patrick Mahomes, Chiefs

Super Bowl LV: Chiefs 30, Niners 27

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Basic Cable Reading Time

About two weeks ago, I received a generic, junk mail subscription offer for ESPN the Magazine. I tend to receive this sort of thing fairly often; I still subscribe to about a half-dozen magazines, but these nondescript envelopes usually offer a deal on something I don't read (People Weekly) or I don't have time for anymore (National Geographic). I was about to put the offer in the trash when I decided to skim the new issue of ESPN Mag. I stumbled upon a letter from the editor, where she declared unanticipated that this would be the last print issue. Gobsmacked by the odd timing, I took a picture of the letter and the junk mail side by side and posted it on Instagram.

I've written about my admittedly archaic reading habits periodically (pun intended). The contraction of the print industry is hardly anything new; newspapers and magazines alike have been gradually shrinking in every way since at least the mid-2000s. The ad revenue has been siphoned off by the internet, and paywalls have only been somewhat effective in keeping the old standbys alive. Yet the demise of ESPN Mag still kind of stings.

I like Sports Illustrated, and I respect its history, yet I've never been compelled to subscribe to SI. If a recent issue is sitting in a waiting room, I will definitely skim through it. At the same time, there was a period in the mid-2000s where I adored ESPN Mag. I'll even argue that for a five-year stretch or so, the overall quality of journalism was superior fo SI. That ESPN Mag was published every other week made it feel even more special. Once time in jest, I referred to ESPN Mag as my sports bible. My college girlfriend did not find that amusing. 

For a time, a good percentage of ESPN Mag's content was generated by the network personalities themselves. Everyone from Dan Patrick to Stuart Scott to Stephen A. Smith had a column or regular feature. The vibe was young and freewheeling, yet exhaustively detailed. When ad revenue began to taper off in the early 2010s --and Scott's health went into dramatic decline-- those departments were phased out, and the Mag became a champion of sabermetrics. The top-notch sports-writing was still there, but you had to sift through articles about Mike Trout's WAR and LeBron James' FTA first. It became a more "woke" magazine too; exposes of discrimination and misogyny were balanced out by the sex-positive, annual Body Issue. 26 issues a year was reduced to 24 (they would sit out the month of January) then the Mag quietly became a monthly in Fall 2018.

ESPN can still lay claim to being the worldwide leader in sports, but they've lost grip on their once massive foothold. There are rival sports channels on cable, plus streaming platforms. In the print world, Sports Illustrated was challenged but never vanquished; unless you count The Sporting News or those myriad annual fantasy sports previews, SI has now stumbled into a monopoly. The Mag is its most notable casualty so far. The game was won, but the series was lost.

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His Uncle's Nephew

Monday, October 30th marks ten years since my uncle, Jim Swiglo died. It was the culmination of a whirlwind two months where he went from hospitalization to hospice to death. I was not aware until he told me that September that he had terminal pancreatic cancer, but I did not know until several years later that he kept his medical issues under wraps until the secret was no longer sustainable.

Indirectly, Jim's death was the catalyst for me to start taking improv classes. I was in a creative rut at the time; I was dissatisfied by doing stand-up, and frustrated by the lack of performing options in the suburbs. I had to broaden my horizons in some way, and commuting to Old Town once a week was a start. Jim was 52, living with his mother, and seldom traveled. I did not want to become him, and I still don't.

As such, my social circle bears next to no resemblance to what it looked like in Fall 2008. Granted, some friendships disintegrated, but most of my high school and college friends are either too busy or too far away. I'm very selective about who I communicate with from Salem Radio Chicago --where I was employed at the time-- but most of them no longer work there. I attempted to go out on Halloween with "Sandra" (the topic of two past blogs) but I really just wanted to talk to someone. Even in a close family, I felt alone in my mourning. In 2018, improv and comedy dominate my social life; I felt like I had a much stronger support system when my parents passed in 2016 and 2017, and I'm beyond grateful.

Given how young Jim was when he passed, I do wonder what life would have been like had he lived into his mid-60s. I fear that he would've almost certainly voted Trump, and would have been oblivious to #MeToo. He wasn't socially conservative per se, but even in 2008 his backward attitude about women would have been hard to ignore. He died before the Bears signed Jay Cutler (who he would've hated) but he would rub the Cubs' World Series title in my face. There are little quirks of that I don't miss: his random singing, his tendency to chew gum with his mouth open, the way he would tuck his undershirt into his underpants. In spite of that he was a good man, a generous soul who put family first.

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