My Last Post of 2012

Happy Early New Year!

I have so much to say before 2012 rolled into '13, but alas my last word had to wait until just before the ball dropped. In a funny way, my year began and ended with a horse; in January I volunteered to be an extra in a short film and ended up getting two lines. Earlier this month, I recorded a voiceover for another friend's short film. Both pieces ("Contested" and "Horse War") prominently featured live equines and will earn me my first IMDb credits. In the interim, I appeared in one other short film ("Zombie Lawyer") and did camera work for another ("Breaking Up with a Drama Major").

Nevertheless, I feel like the horse connection seems like a perfect metaphor for my 2012. I spent the year running all over the place, constantly on my feet, frequently in competiton with others, trying to accomplish one goal after another.  I am proud to say that one of my biggest goals was finally attained about 10 days ago, when I passed my Conservatory Level 3 audition at Second City on the 7th try. Most of my old classmates passed on the first or second attempt and have long since finished, so I am super elated to finally be back on the inside.

Next week: 2012, the year in TV. Yes, I know it'll be late.

That Wonderful Year in Music... 2012

It was only December 19th when I started writing this, but as far as new music goes 2012 was very much over.  The industry basically shuts down from early December to early January, partially because it's foolish to market a new recording in the middle of the holidays. (I'm sure there are other reasons.) This gives the critics and music nerds plenty of time to assemble their best-of lists for the year. These lists are typically bloated yet diverse, jam-packed with memorable albums yet never totally comprehensive. This is my seventh year writing a best-of, and whittling my picks down to ten is so operose that I can't get beyond twenty.

What can I say about 2012 in itself? That was it was good to be prolific, as Neil Young, Andrew Bird, and jazz great Chick Corea all released multiple albums. That shoegaze might be having a renaissance. That the notoriously brash Odd Future rap collective can produce compelling, oddly introspective hip-hop (well done, Frank Ocean). That the best songs on AAA and alternative radio came from albums released in late '11. That a short, pudgy, uncharismatic Korean guy can not only record the catchiest pop single of the year, but also make the accompanying video the most downloaded in YouTube history. Granted, what you see below may not be a complete list (Kendrick Lamar is on my radar, just trust me) but it certainly captures what made 2012 a bountiful and rarely boring year in music.


BEST ALBUMS
1. Channel Orange, Frank Ocean. It is anaphora to say it would be tough to come out as bisexual in the typically homophobic world of hip-hop. Frank Ocean did exactly that in June 2012, and one listen to Orange indicates that Ocean is as free as an artist as he is as a man. Many of Ocean's songs, like the unrequited love ballad "Thinkin' 'Bout You" and the especially raw slow jam "Bad Religion," are emotionally vivid and generous in detail. The assured attitude of Ocean's debut album makes his attraction to men almost a footnote.
2. Bloom, Beach House. If there is a modern-day heir to the ethereal rock/shoegaze throne abdicated by Cocteau Twins and Dead Can Dance, than this Balitmore-based duo wearily wears the crown. More of a suite than collection of songs, Victoria LeGrand, Alex Scally, and engineer/partner-in-crime Chris Coady create a sonically gorgeous listening experience, one that seems elusive and confusing at first but pays off later.
3. Blunderbuss, Jack White. If you see the name Jack White in the liner notes of any CD, you know who's calling the shots. After all three of his bands called it a day in 2011 --we still miss you, White Stripes-- Jack finally cut his first solo album in '12. Where the Stripes were raw and primitive, Blunderbuss is a professional yet energetic effort.
4. Tramp, Sharon Van Etten
5. Celebration Rock, Japandroids
6. Attack on Memory, Cloud Nothings
7. Visions, Grimes
8. Boys & Girls, Alabama Shakes
9. Put Your Back N 2 It, Perfume Genius
10. The Idler Wheel is Wiser Than..., Fiona Apple. After all the accidental drama that surround her much-delayed third album Extraordinary Machine, Apple waited even longer to write and record her fourth effort, and it proved to be worth the wait. The surly teenager we met in the late '90s is now a strident thirty-something; her voice is front and center. Apple's songwriting is as enigmatic as its ever been, and the arrangements are sparse yet elliptical.

11. Reign of Terror, Sleigh Bells
12. Love This Giant, David Byrne and St. Vincent
13. Break It Yourself, Andrew Bird
14. Hospitality, Hospitality
15. Ghostory, School of Seven Bells. Speaking of dream pop and ethereal rock, SVIIB's third album is both a personal triumph and a compelling effort. Reduced to a duo, Ghostory retains the lush layering of their past efforts and take a step forward in texture and vulnerability. Claudia Deheza's departure is not swept under the rug by any means, as the amimosity seemingly fuels the soured relationships within the songs.
16. Swing Lo Magellan, The Dirty Projectors
17. Coexist, The XX
18. Port of Morrow, The Shins
19. In Our Heads, Hot Chip
20. Young & Old, Tennis. Less than two years ago, the husband-and-wife duo Tennis cut Cape Dory, a concept album about their honeymoon along the eastern seaboard. Their follow-up Young & Old is a more emotionally mature effort, depicting the daily grind of marriage in the eyes of an overwhelmed, almost hapless young couple. The sound is still peppy neo-surf rock, but the lyrics convey soul-searching and an unexplained yearning. Between you and me, I really hope they work their issues out.


BEST SINGLES
"Midnight City," M83
"Tongue Tied," Grouplove
"Madness," Muse
"California," Delta Spirit
"We Are Young," Fun.
"Change the Sheets," Kathleen Edwards
"Yet Again," Grizzly Bear
"Too Close," Alex Clare
"Would That Not Be Nice," Divine Fits
"Encyclopedia of Classic Takedowns," A.C. Newman


BEST VIDEOS
1. "Bad Girls," M.I.A. The critics at Paste magazine deemed this video "a chaotic jumble of powerful imagery." Indeed, it's a weird juxtaposition, taking your typical hip-hop video and shifting the action to a desolate Arabian setting. The result is a thought-provoking mash-up of American and Middle Eastern stereotypes. "Live fast, die young," indeed.
2. "Oblivion," Grimes. What a remarkable year for Emily Kai Bock. She directed three pretty good videos (I liked the song "Yet Again" slightly more than the video, so it's on the singles list) but she made her finest clip to date with "Oblivion." Finding contrast in the masculine bravado of sporting events and slam-dancing with the quirky femininity of Canadian techno songstress Claire Boucher, Bock uncovers a certain, unexpected overlap.
3. "Lofticries," Purity Ring. This is not a short film so much as a series of one-minute vignettes pieced together, all depressingly commonplace yet linked by an undercurrent of loneliness and futility.
4. "Sixteen Saltines," Jack White. Simply put, the kids are not alright.
5. "Oldie," Odd Future. Either the sloppiest rap video ever made or the funniest. "I don't know my verse!"
6. "Dawned on Me," Wilco. This was a toss-up between the trippy fairy tale video for "Sunloathe" and the charming (albeit fleeting) return of Popeye the Sailor Man and his pals, the first new Popeye cartoon in several decades. In the end, I went with the spinach-obsessed maritiner.
7. "No Future/No Past," Cloud Nothings. A surreal depiction of mortality and self-awareness, embodied by a well-kept, middle-aged man being hopelessly dragged from his home and into the woods.
8. "To Be The Best," Tenacious D. You only hear about 35 seconds of the song, but the wacky "reunion" of JB and KG more than makes up for it.
9. "Someone I Used To Know," Gotye. Is any discussion about 2012 in music videos not going to include this omnipresent, much-parodied clip?
10. "Gangham Style," Psy. Ditto?

Honorable Mentions: "Let's Go," Matt and Kim; "Houdini," Foster The People; "Comeback Kid," Sleigh Bells.

Coolest Gimmick of 2012: Chairlift's "Met Before" video. Two years after The Wilderness Downtown (the interactive short film that featured Arcade Fire's "We Used To Wait"), an indie pop duo from Brooklyn takes the personalized concept one step further. This is basically a choose-your-own-adventure music video, featuring the band as grad school lab rats on the verge of an astonishing discovery.

Your thoughts?

The Morning After, 2012

With my hectic schedule of late (improv, temp work, etc.) it has been a daunting challenge to post a weekly dispatch by Tuesday evening. The only advantage to a looser deadline in lieu of my usual rigid, self-imposed cutoff is that I comment on news when they happen. I knew I wouldn't have time on Monday or Tuesday to write anything so, therefore I can write about the election almost as it happens.

+ In the words of Michael Steele: "This was not a repudiation of conservatism, but the way the our party presented conservatism." It's not so much that Romney lost as the GOP did. As the party keeps shifting further to the right, their best hope against the incumbent president was forced to flip-flop and tweak his stance on certain issues. Say what you will about Romney being an out of touch opportunist, but he is a dyed-in-the-wool moderate conservative and he was never going to appease Tea Partiers.

+ Claire McCaskill didn't win reelection in Missouri so much as Todd Akin lost. Ditto for Joe Donnelly and Dick Mourdock in Indiana. There was a sharp uptic in female voters in both states (and the nation in general) and it had a lot to do with the bullheaded comments Akin and Mourdock made about sexual assault. As a result, the second-most vulnerable branch of the government --that it to say, the U.S. Senate-- in this race tips slightly more in favor of the Democrats. (Not to salt wounds, but I also extend my congratulations to Wisconsin's Tammy Baldwin, the first lesbian ever elected to the U.S. Senate.)

+ Florida is still up for grabs? Gee, what a surprise.

+ The network and cable news coverage alike was a tad over the top. NBC had what looked like a skating rink dyed with Mio, and CNN had a long, tacky graphic/musical overture combo that announced every state result. An exhausted Diane Sawyer spent all night acting like somebody's drunk aunt at a family get-together. Fox News' all-around meltdown after Obama clinched Ohio was a like a car wreck; almost unwatchable, yet you couldn't look away...

+ Finally, a point to ponder. You know all those internet memes and "shared" photos that painted President Obama as a socialist/fascist/communist/Kenyan-born radical with no evidence behind them? Or better yet, all those accusations of taking away the guns, apologizing to world leaders, and shutting down America's churches, also without any proof? How about the hack writings of Dr. Jerome Corsi and Dinesh D'Souza? You know, the empty bombast that overwhelmed and distracted from any serious, concrete criticisms of the president?

That sure worked, didn't it?

Next week: the year in music, 1963.
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32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My 2012 NFL Preview

For the last two years, I've been posting my MLB preview with a weird, poetic twist: each of my forecasts have been styled as a haiku. After half-hearting my NFL preview last year, and  the Giants-Cowboys game going on as I write this, I've chosen to mete that approach to the pigskin. I dare Chris Berman to wax poetic like this.

*denotes Wild Card


NFC North
1. Packers (13-3) Only more to hate/for the petulant Bears fan/more dominance? Damn...
2. Lions* (10-6) Go Megatron go/menace of the vertical/our most worthy foe.
3. Bears* (9-7) Cutler to Marshall/looks good on paper; the D/has this fan concerned.
4. Vikings (3-13) All Day, you must play/even if your team fails you/you're here to compete.
NFC East
1. Eagles (11-5) Vick, the X factor/the dog killer, boom or bust?/Keep the ball, he runs.
2. Giants (9-7) Above average/in so many ways, I doubt/they'll repeat as champs.
3. Cowboys (6-10) Still overrated/improved secondary, sure/but O-line will flop.
4. Redskins (5-11) Welcome RG3/the DC field general/star of the future.
NFC South
1. Falcons (10-6) Solid division/do not underrate Ryan/someone must be first.
2. Saints (9-7) Oh yeah, Bountygate/no quicker picker upper/can clean this mess up.
3. Panthers (8-8) Cam Newton's apple/the running backs are quite ripe/can they play spoiler?
4. Buccaneers (2-14) Linebacker train wreck/that terrible run defense/still unwatchable.
NFC West
1. 49ers (10-6) Alex Smith? Okay/unlikely Super Bowl fave/with a damn fine D.
2. Seahawks (7-9) Matt Flynn will suffice/competant sans protection/the D will surprise.
3. Cardinals (6-10) No pass protection/a QB controversy/poor Fitzgerald seethes.
4. Rams (4-12) Poor Steven Jackson/Bradford blows, the team is limp/such a great burden.

AFC North
1. Steelers (12-4) Big Ben throws that ball/but must avoid turnovers/get well, Mendenhall!
2. Ravens* (11-5) Rice is a beast, but/the O-line can't cover left/otherwise, flawless.
3. Bengals (6-10) Outstanding D-line/squandered by unproven backs/and overwhelmed youth.
4. Browns (2-14) They're still terrible/rivals: you're not missing much/expect a quick win.
AFC East
1. Patriots (13-3) The easiest sked/nobody likes the Pats, but/obey thy master.
2. Bills (8-8) Most improved roster/their defense is no secret/can Fitz stop the picks?
3. Jets (7-9) The Tebow drama/tires many; distraction/for a weak offense.
4. Dolphins (3-13) On paper, awful/an unproven QB and/too many questions.
AFC South
1. Texans (10-6) Finally, playoffs!/Two in a row is likely/with Foster and Tate.
2. Titans (7-9) Least improved roster/old QB and a weak draft/barely .500.
3. Colts (5-11) Andrew Luck won't suck/a future great earns his chops/amongst weak talent.
4. Jaguars (4-12) Love the receivers/they'll make the Jags worth watching/because '12 is lost.
AFC West
1. Chargers (11-5) Their misfit head coach/is a liability/comes up short again.
2. Broncos* (10-6) Enter P. Manning/mile high expectations/the genius fights on.
3. Chiefs (7-9) '10 was a big fluke/Jamaal Charles, young hero/when his knee is fine.
4. Raiders (5-11) Allen, young head coach/the bar has been set quite low/there is no pressure.

Super Bowl XLVII: Patriots 35, Eagles 20

Your thoughts?

The Days of Ryan and Roses

After months of speculation, Governor Romney chose his running mate last weekend. Despite rumors of picking a campaign rival/ideological opposite, a fan favorite like Chris Christie, or a "safe" pick like Rob Portman, Romney chose Paul Ryan. This was good news for the GOP, who have perceived the notoriously austere congressman from south central Wisconsin as a rising star in the party, and equally delightful news for the Democrats, who have plenty of ammunition with his name on it. Anyone expecting another Sarah Palin was either relieved or disappointed, depending upon who you ask.

I may not agree with Rep. Ryan politically, he seems like an intelligent, sincere, and thoughful guy. This pick was everything in Palin in '08 wasn't: Ryan is not looking for celebrity, and his bark has bite. Ryan's not fishing around for buzzwords like "grizzly mama," he's a straight talker. I'm almost certain he can hold his own in an extensive interview with Katie Couric. He's a fiscal conservative but a social moderate, as evidenced by his somewhat torpid support for gay rights. As far as everything else is concerned, the congressman tips imperceptibly more to the right than the ex-governor.

With that said, Rep. Ryan does face one major issue: marketing himself to the mainstream. He's an economic wonk, more comfortable laying out an agenda than stumping on the campaign trail. For better or worse, he's the nerd candidate. He's the chess club captain, not the all-conference running back. His connections to the Tea Party movement are prevalent but loose; most criticisms of Ryan being a champion of "top down" economic policies are accurate, and he wholeheartedly supported TARP. In short, he's a DC insider representing a party where outsiders have the loudest voices. His charisma could be the X-factor.

So what does this mean for the election? The first post-Ryan poll suggests a minimal impact, with Romney and Obama still running in dead heat. From a financial perspective, the GOP war chest and SuperPACs keep on chuggin' along, raising record amounts of money. Also, the Ryan pick gives Romney a slight advantage in Wisconsin, which post-recall has become an apparent swing state. At the moment, the bluster is rising but the stances are unwavering; the Obama/Biden ticket was expected to reinforce their core, but like Romney/Ryan they're gained little new ground. Independents and undecideds remain a tough crowd, fighting to decide between two candidates with equally uninspiring economic platforms, more innately drawn to attacking each other than expounding ideas.

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2012: The Half-Year in Jokes

For those of you who are Facebook friends or follow me on Twitter (@heystu818), I've been  known to write late night monologue-style jokes as status updates and/or tweets.  Late last year, I collected my strongest jokes of the previous year into one blog entry.  It proved somewhat tricky to edit down, and given the fickle nature of topical humor, several of my stronger gags didn't hold up to the end of the year. Instead of saving the whole list for year's end, I opted to break it in half.

With that said, this is my "monologue" for the first half of 2012:

+ Paula Deen announced yesterday that she's a Type 2 diabetic. You can find out more in the next issue of "I Already Kind of Assumed That" magazine. (1/18)

+ Jay Cutler and his on/off fiancee  Kristen Cavallari are reportedly expecting their first child. Apparently, the Bears' offensive line is also terrible at contraception. (1/23)

+ Presidential hopeful Ron Paul says he has a big youth following. I assume that's because most people under age 25 think he's the guy who played Gandalf. (1/26)

+ Following his performance at the Grammy Awards, the question "Who is Paul McCartney?" trended on Twitter. Luckily, one teenager had the levity to say, "Duh! That's Jesse's grandma!" (2/13)

+ Ralph Nader announced that he has not ruled out running for president in 2012. Upon hearing this, the cashier at Arby's nodded and asked if he wanted curly fries. (2/16)

+ A new study found that 15 percent of Americans under the age of 30 don’t have a job. They even have a name for that group: mass comm majors. (2/23)

+ Rush Limbaugh is under fire for calling a college student a slut. As a result, Limbaugh has been invited to join Kappa Kappa Gamma. (3/2)

+  Tonight is daylight savings, so I'd like to remind everyone that you'll be losing one hour of your life tonight. If you watch "Whitney" and "Are You There Chelsea," you know exactly what I'm talking about. (3/10)

+ Chaleo Yoovidhya, the developer of Red Bull, died last week at age 89. Per his request, his ashes were mixed with vodka and sold for $12 in a douchey nightclub. (3/24)

+ A British historical society declared that Britain’s greatest foe of all time was George Washington. Better luck next year, dentists. (4/17)

+ The oldest man in the United States turned 111 in March. For his birthday, he got a steak dinner, a phone call from the Vice President, and a rotation spot with the Colorado Rockies. (4/22)

+ Rick Perry has officially endorsed Mitt Romney, citing his rival's love of country, his economic policy, and... uh... there was a third one... (4/29)

+ Levi Johnston and his girlfriend revealed that they will name their child Breeze Beretta. No word yet on whether the baby will be a boy, a girl, or a scented candle. (5/6)

+ A new study shows that a high-frustose diet can cause ADD and memory loss. I have two puppies. What time is lunch? (5/15)

+ Eugene Polley, co-inventor of the TV remote control, died today at age 96. Per his request, he will be buried between two giant sofa cushions. (5/22)

+ Taco Bell says it has sold 100 million Doritos Locos Tacos in the past 10 weeks. Also selling briskly since late March? Imodium. (6/6)

+ The Electronic Entertainment Expo is currently going on in LA. On display this year are new mobile games, 3D innovations, and a real-life woman. (6/9)

+ CBS has taken ABC to court for launching a reality show deemed too similar to "Big Brother." However, the judge approved ABC's other new show, "Braindead Italians of the Mid-Atlantic Coast." (6/15)

+ Teen prodigy Shouryya Ray, the boy that solved a math problem posed by Isaac Newton 350 years ago, may not have actually solved the equation. Worse yet, his classmates have grown suspicious about his girlfriend in Canada. (6/24)

Enjoy your 4th of July!

Through Another Freshman's Eyes

Last year, I wrote a blog post about "The Mindset List," the famed article published every year by the sociology department at Beloit College.  This year's college freshmen --or next year's sophomores, if you will-- were born mostly in 1992 or 1993, and I attempted to estimate their worldview. This year, most soon-to-be high school grads were born in late 1993 or early-to-mid 1994, right smack in the middle of Bill Clinton's first term in office.  Even though Prof. Ron Nief and his staff won't publish their annual list until early August, I thought I'd give it another stab. Some items didn't necessitate repeating, so here's a link to last year's list if you think you see anything omitted.

With that said, if you are an incoming college freshman...

...Martin Brodeur has always been the starting goalie for the New Jersey Devils.
...the World Series has never been cancelled, and relations between Major League Baseball and the Player's Union have been relatively peaceful.
...you only remember one Chicago Bulls three-peat.
...when you hear the name O.J. Simpson, you're much more likely to associate it with a triple homicide than with football.
...when you hear the term Alzheimer's Disease, you associate it with Ronald Reagan.
...the Summer and Winter Olympics have always been held in seperate, two-year alternating spans.
...Jason Kidd, Grant Hill, and Juwan Howard have always played in the NBA.
...Richard Nixon, Kurt Cobain, Jackie Kennedy Onassis, Cesar Romero, Tip O'Neill, Bill Hicks, Dinah Shore, Telly Savalas, John Candy, John Wayne Gacy, Henry Mancini, Burt Lancaster, Raul Julia, and Jeffrey Dahmer have always been dead.
...Johnny Carson never appeared on TV in your lifetime.
...you have never attended a Nirvana or Uncle Tupelo concert.
...you never saw Phil Hartman on "Saturday Night Live."
...first-run episodes of "The Simpsons" have always aired on Sunday nights.
...People Weekly --er, I mean People-- has always been published in full color.
...the phrase "Don't touch that dial!" makes no sense whatsoever.
...kids raised in Chicago have never watched Bozo the Clown before heading to school.
...you have never ordered anything from the Sears "Big Book."
...you have never had a sip of Crystal Pepsi.
...Newt Gingrich has always been a major player in American politics.
...the Federal Assault Weapons Ban and the Brady Bill have always been in effect.
...there has always been a member of the Kardashian family in the news.
...Aldrich Ames has always been in prison.
...there have always been prisoners and refugees at Guantanamo Bay.
...Rwanda has always been synonymous with genocide.
...there have always been alter girls.

That's a lot to think about. If you have anything else to add, let me know. Next week I look at the year in music, 1982 so keep your nostalgia hats on.

My Seventh Annual Fantasy Emmy Ballot

Is it May sweeps already? The 2011-12 TV season just flew by. There doesn't seem to be any speculation yet for the 64th Annual Emmy Awards, and even though the nominations won't be announced for another two months, I'd love to get the ball rolling. (By my best estimate, tvguide.com will post theirs around Memorial day.) With only a few familar faces gone ("Friday Night Lights," Steve Carell) and a weak crop of new shows, I'm predicting very little turnover from last year.

With that said, here is my 2012 Fantasy Emmy Ballot:


Writing in a Variety/Comedy/Music Series: (name listed is head writer) Barry Julien, The Colbert Report; Mike Sweeney, Conan; Steve Bodow, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart; A.D. Miles, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon; Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher; Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Live.
Outstanding Variety/Comedy/Music Series: "The Colbert Report," Comedy Central; "Conan," TBS; "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Comedy Central; "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon," NBC; "Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson," CBS; "Saturday Night Live," NBC.

Supporting Actress in a Drama: Christine Baranski, The Good Wife; Christina Hendricks, Mad Men; Jessica Lange, American Horror Story; Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men; Archie Punjabi, The Good Wife; Emilia Clarke, Game of Thrones.
Supporting Actor in a Drama: Alan Cumming, The Good Wife; Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones; Giancarlo Esposito, Breaking Bad; Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad; Michael Shannon, Boardwalk Empire; John Slattery, Mad Men.
Supporting Actress in a Comedy: Julie Bowen, Modern Family; Alison Brie, Community; Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock; Jane Lynch, Glee; Sofia Vergara, Modern Family; Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live.
Supporting Actor in a Comedy: Ty Burrell, Modern Family; Chris Coifer, Glee; Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men; Nick Offerman, Parks & Recreation; Danny Pudi, Community; Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family.

Lead Actress in a Drama: Kathy Bates, Harry's Law; Mirielle Enos, The Killing; Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU; Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife; Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire; Jessica Pare, Mad Men.
Lead Actor in a Drama: Jim Caviezel, Person of Interest; Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad; Michael C. Hall, Dexter; Jon Hamm, Mad Men; Hugh Laurie, House; Timothy Olyphant, Justified.
Lead Actress in a Comedy: Zooey Deschanel, New Girl; Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie; Tina Fey, 30 Rock; Laura Linney, The Big C; Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly; Amy Poehler, Parks & Recreation.
Lead Actor in a Comedy: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock; Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm; Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory; Joel McHale, Community;  Ed O'Neill, Modern Family; Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory.

Outstanding Drama Series: "American Horror Story," FX; "Breaking Bad," AMC; "Dexter," Showtime; "Game of Thrones," HBO; "The Good Wife," CBS; "Mad Men," AMC.
Outstanding Comedy Series: "30 Rock," NBC; "The Big Bang Theory," CBS; "Community," NBC; "Louie," FX;  "Modern Family," ABC; "Parks & Recreation," NBC.

Let the debate begin!

30 Teams, 30 More Haiku: A 2012 Baseball Preview

Last year, I wrote my annual baseball preview in the style of a haiku. I considered writing a sonnet or possibly a sestina for all 30 teams this year, but ultimately that felt like overkill. I mulled explaining why your team wouldn't win the World Series again (see 2009), posed some pressing questions (see 2010), or something entirely new, but for some reason the haiku concept kept bouncing around in my head. With that said, I present my 2012 baseball preview: 30 teams, 17 moras, no boundaries.

PS: my kudos to the Royals blog ahairoffsquare.com for the Moose mock-up seen above.

*denotes Wild Card

NL EAST

1. Phillies No real changes here/Howard's gone for awhile/but wins come easy.

2. Marlins* Behold! A circus/hey Ozzie, new stadium/and loud uniforms.

3. Braves A burning question/who's Tyler Pastornicky?/a prospect, I guess.

4. Nationals Harper is coming/and Strasburg is okay now/potential sleeper?

5. Mets This, that, or Duda/the song they sing in Queens is/a funeral dirge.

NL CENTRAL

1. Cardinals Farewell, Prince Albert/your power will be missed, but/we'll win without you.

2. Brewers Braun dodged a bullet/no suspension, despite shame/can we move on now?

3. Reds "Win now!" is the cry/if Stubbs cuts down on the whiffs/expect fireworks.

4. Pirates Huh? These Bucs have bite?/no longer dormant, Pittsburgh/may play the spoiler.

5. Cubs Poor Theo Epstein/doesn't he know rebuilding/won't go anywhere?

6. Astros Woe is Carlos Lee/a veteran among rooks/expect much struggle.

NL WEST

1. Giants Buster Posey is/not the next Ray Fosse, fools/health is on his side.

2. D-Backs* Chomping at the bit/hungry snakes want a dogfight/you hear that, San Fran?

3. Rockies More injury woes/the Tulo and Cargo show/need to watch themselves.

4. Dodgers Strangely average/Kemp and Kershaw need some help/if they want to win.

5. Padres Further rebuilding/not awful, but somebody/has to finish fifth.

AL EAST

1. Yankees Heavy favorites/for the umpteenth year, but age/might be a concern.

2. Rays* Young and confident/Maddon's boys want the whole thing/LCS won't do.

3. Red Sox Winners in decline/last year's collapse still lingers/new mindset needed.

4. Blue Jays North of the border/these Canucks think they'll contend/delusions, indeed.

5. Orioles The burning question/Duquette: genius or moron?/we'll learn the hard way.

AL CENTRAL

1. Tigers O Prince, man of girth/you and Miguel are lethal/plus Verlander, eek!

2. Royals Ready to breakout/this fan won't whine much longer/but playoffs? Next year.

3. Indians Fantastic bullpen/but where is the Tribe offense?/.500 at best.

4. White Sox Almost a youth movement/AJ and Paulie still stand/but don't expect much.

5. Twins Joe Mauer aside/the small market rebuilding/cycle continues.

AL WEST

1. Angels Arte's deep pockets/bought Prince Albert and C.J./this division: sold!

2. Rangers* This is an arms race/big bats and smokin' hurlers/don't mess with Texas.

3. Mariners No contenders here/in two words, "nothing special"/but Felix still rakes.

4. Athletics Nothing makes sense here/sign Manny and Cespedes/but trade all the youth?

NL MVP: Matt Kemp, Dodgers

AL MVP: Evan Longoria, Rays

NL Cy Young: Roy Halladay, Phillies

AL Cy Young: Justin Verlander, Tigers

NL Rookie of the Year: Yonder Alonso, Padres

AL Rookie of the Year: Mike Trout, Angels

First Manager Fired: Buck Showalter, Orioles

Comeback Player of the Year: Buster Posey, Giants

2012 World Series: Rangers over the Phillies in 6

Next Week: the year in music, 2002.