2012: The Half-Year in Jokes

For those of you who are Facebook friends or follow me on Twitter (@heystu818), I've been  known to write late night monologue-style jokes as status updates and/or tweets.  Late last year, I collected my strongest jokes of the previous year into one blog entry.  It proved somewhat tricky to edit down, and given the fickle nature of topical humor, several of my stronger gags didn't hold up to the end of the year. Instead of saving the whole list for year's end, I opted to break it in half.

With that said, this is my "monologue" for the first half of 2012:

+ Paula Deen announced yesterday that she's a Type 2 diabetic. You can find out more in the next issue of "I Already Kind of Assumed That" magazine. (1/18)

+ Jay Cutler and his on/off fiancee  Kristen Cavallari are reportedly expecting their first child. Apparently, the Bears' offensive line is also terrible at contraception. (1/23)

+ Presidential hopeful Ron Paul says he has a big youth following. I assume that's because most people under age 25 think he's the guy who played Gandalf. (1/26)

+ Following his performance at the Grammy Awards, the question "Who is Paul McCartney?" trended on Twitter. Luckily, one teenager had the levity to say, "Duh! That's Jesse's grandma!" (2/13)

+ Ralph Nader announced that he has not ruled out running for president in 2012. Upon hearing this, the cashier at Arby's nodded and asked if he wanted curly fries. (2/16)

+ A new study found that 15 percent of Americans under the age of 30 don’t have a job. They even have a name for that group: mass comm majors. (2/23)

+ Rush Limbaugh is under fire for calling a college student a slut. As a result, Limbaugh has been invited to join Kappa Kappa Gamma. (3/2)

+  Tonight is daylight savings, so I'd like to remind everyone that you'll be losing one hour of your life tonight. If you watch "Whitney" and "Are You There Chelsea," you know exactly what I'm talking about. (3/10)

+ Chaleo Yoovidhya, the developer of Red Bull, died last week at age 89. Per his request, his ashes were mixed with vodka and sold for $12 in a douchey nightclub. (3/24)

+ A British historical society declared that Britain’s greatest foe of all time was George Washington. Better luck next year, dentists. (4/17)

+ The oldest man in the United States turned 111 in March. For his birthday, he got a steak dinner, a phone call from the Vice President, and a rotation spot with the Colorado Rockies. (4/22)

+ Rick Perry has officially endorsed Mitt Romney, citing his rival's love of country, his economic policy, and... uh... there was a third one... (4/29)

+ Levi Johnston and his girlfriend revealed that they will name their child Breeze Beretta. No word yet on whether the baby will be a boy, a girl, or a scented candle. (5/6)

+ A new study shows that a high-frustose diet can cause ADD and memory loss. I have two puppies. What time is lunch? (5/15)

+ Eugene Polley, co-inventor of the TV remote control, died today at age 96. Per his request, he will be buried between two giant sofa cushions. (5/22)

+ Taco Bell says it has sold 100 million Doritos Locos Tacos in the past 10 weeks. Also selling briskly since late March? Imodium. (6/6)

+ The Electronic Entertainment Expo is currently going on in LA. On display this year are new mobile games, 3D innovations, and a real-life woman. (6/9)

+ CBS has taken ABC to court for launching a reality show deemed too similar to "Big Brother." However, the judge approved ABC's other new show, "Braindead Italians of the Mid-Atlantic Coast." (6/15)

+ Teen prodigy Shouryya Ray, the boy that solved a math problem posed by Isaac Newton 350 years ago, may not have actually solved the equation. Worse yet, his classmates have grown suspicious about his girlfriend in Canada. (6/24)

Enjoy your 4th of July!

2011: The Year in Jokes

For those of you who are Facebook friends or follow me on Twitter (@heystu818), I've been known to write late night monologue-style jokes as status updates and/or tweets. I typically measure how a joke lands by how many people "like" or retweet my comment, than file it for my portfolio. If there's no "likes" I safely assume it bombed, one or two means it's tepid or merely okay, and anything above that in my eyes is a home run. For the first part of my 2011 in review I'm going to look back at the year in jokes, chosen indirectly by you: my friends, family, teammates, and co-workers.

+ A man in Omaha tried to rob a store armed only with a rock. Luckily for the store owner, he had some paper. (1/7/11)

+ Brandi Favre, the kid sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a Mississippi crystal meth lab this afternoon. The charges were dropped, however when she agreed to text the cops a photo of her cooter. (1/12/11)

+ Yahoo has announced plans to release an app for iPad and Android. This app allows you to travel back in time to when people still used Yahoo. (2/11/11)

+ Today marks the end of the "Jeopardy!" IBM challenge, which pits the supercomputer Watson against two of the show's all-time champions. Unlike the contestants, Watson contains 200 million pages of structured and unstructured content consuming four terabytes of disk storage. Like the other contestants, it has never seen a vagina. (2/15/11)

+ A 9.0 earthquake has just struck the northern coast of Japan. CNN is blaming the quake on the faulting of a long-inactive tectonic plate. MSNBC is blaming the quake on an elastic rebound hundreds of miles below the earth's surface. Fox News is blaming the quake on socialized health care. (3/11/11)

+ Today marks the 30th anniversary of the assassination attempt on President Ronald Reagan. This dubious milestone has posed a series of questions, like "what would life in the US be like had Reagan not survived?" and "should we worry about an attempt on President Obama's life?" and "would John Hinckley Jr. and Jodie Foster have made a cute couple?" (3/30/11)

+ An "American Idol" fan was left shocked and in tears when she was forced to give up her front row seat because she was too fat. The producers also ordered Steven Tyler to move from his seat because he looks likes an 80-year-old woman. (4/12/11)

+ A recent survey suggests that Arkansas and Mississippi have the highest proportion of people that rely upon cell phones. This is a signifigant leap for both states, considering ten years ago they were still using two cans on a string. (4/20/11)

+ The Chesapeake Bay Candle company is recalling seven million candles due to a fire risk. In other news, 10 million fireworks are being recalled because they might fly into the air and explode when ignited. (4/21/11)

+ Pakistani Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani said Monday that any allegations that the country's leaders knew Osama bin Laden was hiding 2 1/2 hours away since 2005 are "disingenuous." While Gilani admits that bin Laden was close during that time, he mentioned that officials rarely drive out there, because gas prices are just plain ridiculous. (5/11/11)

+ A man in Willowbrook, IL returned from vacation to find $30,000 in movie memorabilia from "Lord of the Rings" and "Aliens" stolen from his home. In fact, the only thing the thief didn't take was the man's virginity. (5/17/11)

+ GOP presidential hopeful Ron Paul has announced that he would support the legalization of prostitution and heroin. As a result, he earned the endorsement of every jazz musician that ever lived. (5/19/11)

+ It was announced today that Anthony Weiner has signed a multi-year contract to play quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings... (6/7/11)

+ Nintendo announced that its new gaming system console, the Wii U, at the E3 conference earlier this week. The system's new controller has a variety of new features that will render you even more useless in social situations. (6/20/11)

+ Today is the 83rd anniversary of the invention of sliced bread, which makes one wonder what was the greatest invention up to that point. (7/8/11)

+ Good news: the NFL lockout could be over as soon as this Friday. Bad news: my CFL fantasy league has completely disappeared. (7/19/11)

+ A recent survey has ranked Casey Anthony the most-hated person in America. Better luck next year, Congress. (8/11/11)

+ Paul Meier, the inventor of the randomized clinical trial, died this week at age 87. There will be two funerals held, and neither family nor clergy will know which coffin contains his body. (8/18/11)

+ A white rat approximately three feet in length was speared to death with a pitchfork in Brooklyn's Marcy Houses this week, which poses a question: who in Brooklyn would own a pitchfork? (8/26/11)

+ Lauren Bush, the niece of former President George W. Bush, got married in Colorado last weekend. The bride wore white, the mother of the bride wore lilac, and the uncle of the bride wore Captain America jammies. (9/6/11)

+ Arch West, the man who created Doritos, died today at age 97. Per his request, his ashes will be rubbed all over a pair of old sweatpants. (9/27/11)

+ A recent survey has ranked Chad as the worst place in the world for a woman to live. Another survey has ranked Chad's apartment as the worst place for a woman to wake up. (10/14/11)

+ A group of British scientists have unveiled "super broccoli," a new breed of the vegetable that helps ward off heart disease. The super broccoli has been praised by supernutritionists but avoided at all costs by superchildren. (10/26/11)

+ It has been reported that Coldplay's new album Mylo Zyloto is their most expensive ever. Apparently, $2 million went towards production and $3 million was spent to keep Gwyneth Paltrow from appearing on the disc. (11/1/11)

+ A recent report suggests that the McRib sandwich contains a flour-bleaching agent commonly used in gym mats and the soles of shoes. I'm quite relieved; for a moment there, I thought the McRib contained meat. (11/15/11)

+ A recent survey suggests that people that regularly watch Fox News Channel are less informed than people who don't watch news at all. The survey also determined that people who regularly watch the Food Network are disportionately more informed about creme fraiche. (11/26/11)

+ Reuters is reporting that President Obama will visit our troops in Afghanistan on December 25th while his wife and daughters attend various DC-area events. Fox News is reporting that another black man is leaving his family on Christmas. (12/9/11)

Next Week: the year in music, 2011.