30 Teams, 30 Haiku: My 2011 Baseball Preview

This week's blog entry is a milestone, but personally I'd rather be practical than self-congratulatory. With spring training in its last throes and the regular season a mere ten days away, what better time than now to post my baseball predictions for 2011? After all, there is a certain symbolism to the number 300 in baseball: a strong batting average, the unofficial minimum number of career wins to enter Cooperstown, a ridiculous amount of strikeouts in any given season. Granted, 300 home runs won't get you into the Baseball Hall of Fame --not in this day and age-- but it'll grab people's attention.

As such, my annual baseball preview typically has some type of quirk. In 2009, I explained why your team won't win the World Series, regardless of whether they were serious contenders or playing for pride. Last year, I posed a serious question about each team. This year, I'm exchanging short-order cynicism for the most simplistic yet elegant form of poetry: the haiku. That's right folks: I broke down all 30 MLB teams, seventeen syllables at a time. (Okay, sorry, moras.) Some of my prognostications are informative, others are witty, though a few are bordering on abstruse. Below my metrical compositions are my usual, concrete individual predictions for the year to come.

(playoff teams in bold)

AMERICAN LEAGUE

EAST

1. Red Sox: Behold, Great Gonzo!/the power hitter they need/to repeat glory.

2. Rays: No dismantling yet/youth and vigor in Tampa/means a Wild Card.

3. Yankees: One starting pitcher/is all the pinstripes have now/Lee screwed them over.

4. Orioles: Youth movement's growing/gives you one early warning/watch out for Wieters!

5. Blue Jays: Unhappy Canucks/woeful in the Great White North/is hope on the way?

CENTRAL

1. Twins: Only 83 wins/might conquer this division/ho-hum, but sturdy.

2. White Sox: If pitching's healthy/might ignite a pennant race/if not... Big Country?

3. Tigers: Miguel, stop boozing/Motor City needs Sheen blood/and less Foster Brooks.

4. Indians: Panic in the Cleve/remember Pronk and Grady?/they used to produce.

5. Royals: Young and unproven/95 losses seems fair/can't wait until '12.

WEST

1. Rangers: No Lee or Vlady/makes for an uphill battle/but the bench is deep.

2. Angels: Proven veterans/the pitching is heavenly/tread lightly, Texas!

3. Athletics: Contenders? Hardly!/their grit wears opponents down/so I'll give them that.

4. Mariners: All-defense fizzled/so back to the drawing board/long year at Safeco.

NATIONAL LEAGUE

EAST

1. Phillies: Halladay, Hamels/Oswalt and Lee, beastly arms/assured destiny.

2. Braves: Without Cox, are Braves/now Indian princesses?/surely critics jest.

3. Mets: So many questions/Beltran's glove, K-Rod's temper/this soap opera drags!

4. Marlins: Raw and unfocused/fish won't bite in '11/insert sushi joke.

5. Nationals: Strasburg and Harper/are mere glimmers in the eye/same old crap this year.

CENTRAL

1. Reds: Impressive bats, but/a matter of time before/Baker wrecks Chapman.

2. Brewers: All hail Zach Greinke/the hero has run support/repeat of '08?

3. Cardinals: Pujols' wanderlust/and all those injured starters/birds go south early.

4. Cubs: Are you kidding me?/first baseman hits .200/simply staggering.

5. Pirates: Andrew McCutchen/and 24 other guys/all you need to know.

6. Astros: The least improved team/so-so arms and good speed/will not be enough.

WEST

1. Giants. They are dwarves no more/the kids have proven themselves/a dynasty looms?

2. Dodgers. High payroll, high hopes/the divorcing boys in blue/men on the rebound.

3. Rockies. Ubaldo's first half/was quite beastly in '10, but/can he pace himself?

4. Padres. Oh dear, that offense/won't help mighty rotation/80 low-score wins.

5. D-Backs. Expecting progress/with no power, weak bullpen/quite a tall order.

AL Rookie of the Year: Mike Moustakas, Royals

NL Rookie of the Year: Domonic Brown, Phillies

AL Cy Young: Jon Lester, Red Sox

NL Cy Young: Tim Lincecum, Giants

AL MVP: Joe Mauer, Twins

NL MVP: Albert Pujols, Cardinals

AL Manager of the Year: Terry Francona, Red Sox

NL Manager of the Year: Fredi Gonzalez, Braves

First Manager Fired: Edwin Rodriguez, Marlins

2011 World Series: Phillies over Red Sox in 6

Next Week: the year in music, 2001.

Random Notes, March 2011

+ I apologize for the delay (again), but I had some internet connection issues Tuesday night. Plus, it's been a dry week of sorts. I can assure that I will more than make up for it with my next two dispatches.

+ Like many of you, I'm quite concerned about the fallout (pun not intended) of last Friday's earthquake in Japan. The series of unfortunate events that have struck an island nation --it was followed by a ripple-effect tsunami, a near-nuclear meltdown, and a mild snowstorm-- could be perceived as the wrath of nature, karmic retribution for an unknown sin, or both. I won't even get started on Glenn Beck's inevitably offensive opinion on the matter. Scientifically, the earthquake was the result of a long-dormant fault in a nearly tectonic plate, and disasters of this proportion are almost impossible to predict. While the loss of life and property so far roughly matches the chaos in Haiti 14 months ago, comparing this catastrophic domino effect to the island nation or the almost forgotten Peruvian quake last year is like analyzing apples, oranges, and grapes. Financially I have my hands tied, but if you can donate a small monetary amount to the Red Cross to help the survivors, bless your heart.

+ The second week of my internship was relatively stable compared to the first. On one hand, nothing of incident occured during either of the Saturday night shows in the upstairs theater. On the other hand, the theater is right smack in the middle of the Wrigleyville bar district, and it was difficult for employees and ticketholders alike to manuever through the neighborhood during unofficial St. Pat's. At times it felt like I was a supporting character in a George Romero movie, fighting off the zombies in the only place I knew was safe. The irony, however is that after my shift ended I walked four blocks to a raucous birthday party. Before you judge me, however I had one mixed drink before crashing at another friend's apartment nearby.

+ Finally, if anyone's interested, IndianaMom has launched a Final Four Pick 'Um pool just for us TV.com folk. There's no money involved, it's just for bragging rights. Let me know if you're interested ASAP if you want to fill out a bracket, because tipoff is Thursday morning.

Next Week: WU #300, and my 2011 baseball forecast.

Chronicles of an Intern

About six months ago, I applied to be an intern at the theater where I'm taking improv classes. Last month, I was finally put into consideration and last weekend I worked my first shift. An internship is not a real job but this certainly feels like one; for one night out of the week, I'm essentially part of the theater crew. My responsibilities include fetching beer from the stock room, cleaning off chairs and tables between and after shows, handling tickets and seating paying customers. Being a type-A personality, I felt an unusual sense of arousal by the intern program's motto: "ruthless efficiency."

Supposedly, my first night was a pretty rough one. A group of 16 or 17 had come to see an 8pm show in the upstairs theater, and several members of said group snuck in flasks. By intermission, they were having a weird little whisper fight in the audience and at least one member of the group vomited. We didn't eject the entire group from the theater, just the three or four offenders. Shortly after the show, I learned that a similar incident had occured at about the same time in the downstairs theater. The assistant manager who was in charge that night apologized for the "trial by fire" --four other interns were being trained that night-- and that what happened was an isolated incident. Being an intern at the theater is not glamorous by any means and I knew that when I first applied, but I'm happy for the opportunity and hope it'll be smoother sailing from this point onward.

Other notes:

+ What should we do about Libya? Whether or not the United States intervenes, it's hard to imagine Moammar Khadafi coming out of this alive and unscathed. I think American intervention is all but necessary at this point, though I'd rather go the diplomatic route rather than excaberate what is unofficially a civil war. One can argue that this would be another vaguely defined interloping in a Middle Eastern country where American interests aren't particularly vital --cough, Iraq, cough-- but the need to wipe out a highly vulnerable, long-standing nemesis is an itch that's hard not to scratch.

+ Hey, does anyone remember my diatribes against former Cook County President Todd Stroger? Well, now we have something in common: we're both getting an unemployment check from the state of Illinois.

+ Finally, a wonderful, pinpoint article about the most miserable sports cities in the US. Memo to hard-to-please Chicago sports fans: quit your bitchin', it could be a lot worse.

Rahm Like the Wind?

After months of buildup, it's finally over. With 55% of the vote, Rahm Emanuel not only trounced his competitors for Chicago mayor but rejected the need for a run-off vote in March. Whoever expected this to be a close four-way race --cough cough, the local media-- must've been humbled when Gery Chico, Miguel Del Valle, and former U.S. Senator Carol Moseley-Braun combined for 43% of all ballots counted. On the other hand, it's not like people were voting in droves to put Rahm in the mayor's chair; less than half of all registered voters in the city turned out on Election Day. If you think Emanuel bought the election, I'd suggest having a conversation with Michael Bloomberg first.

Mary Mitchell, a columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times who is notorious for turning every news story into a racial issue, declared the election a death call for the black voting bloc. What she seems to ignore was how weak Carol Moseley-Braun was as a candidate; the "crack addict" remark I mentioned a few weeks ago was only the tip of her malapropism iceberg. Granted, Braun wasn't the only African-American woman on the ballot, but she fumbled whatever momentum she had from the very get-go. CMB was the only other nationally-known name on the ballot and she never used that recognition to her benefit.

As for the future of Chicago, my outsider, suburban hiney will watch with baited breath. Maybe Emanuel will trigger a city renaissance, or maybe he'll do nothing and get spanked in 2015. Either way, we're stuck with the little fella.

Other notes:

+ An old Illinois State buddy of mine works for the CBS affiliate in Madison, WI, and over the weekend I texted him to ask for his take on the fracas up there. He's a libertarian and a social moderate, and chances are he voted for Scott Walker last November, but he shared the setiments that several of us bloggers and editorists have arrived upon: the media is totally playing the conflict wrong. It's easy to say that between the teachers' unions and Gov. Walker, no winners will come out of the protests and partisan hubris, but it's more complicated than that. In the end, the negative publicity will create some Democratic gains in the state senate come 2012, and collective bargaining will be restored while nobody's paying attention. In the long run, nothing will change.

+ A new term has begun at IO, and therefore a new schedule. For the first time in almost two years I'll have Sundays off; I'm taking Improv Level 5 on Saturday afternoons, and a Scenic Improv elective at Second City on Tuesdays. To compensate financially I'm taking a breather from the IO writing program, though I intend to finish that later this year.

+ Finally, I'm so relieved to know that CBS has figured out a way to write out Charlie Sheen from "Two and a Half Men." I don't think there could've been a more fitting ending.

That Wonderful Year in Music... 1981

Let me start by saying 1981 might've been one of the weakest years ever for rock music. It makes perfect sense, though; from 1977 to 1980, the sound and feel of the genre had changed so dramatically, spawning varieties and subgenres that still are still referenced to this day, that after such a long renaissance period all parties involved needed a breather. The creative vacuum of 1981 was probably intentional, and for most music critics this is where the '70s truly ended the '80s began. That's not to say the sounds of '81 are completely worth overlooking, as implied by the albums, singles, and videos below. Disco was finally dead, punk was heading back underground, new wave was slowly gaining mainstream acceptence, and Top 40 radio was a wasteland of cheesy power ballads, insipid country-pop, and commercial rock.

That aesthetic hangover was felt for much of the first half of the year, but in the wee hours of August 1st, everything changed. It wasn't a sudden shock to the system, as the number of people that watched its debut were estimated in the low thousands, but its aftereffects changed the music industry forever. Long before it became a spawning ground for attention-hungry teen moms and mentally disabled Italian stereotypes, MTV was all about music; this fledging, low-budget cable channel was the greatest marketing tool the music industry never knew they had. We wanted our MTV, we just didn't know it yet.

Typically when I listen to albums for my monthly list, I mentally rate them by letter grade. The majority of the discs that make the final cut earned an "A," with a few scattered "B+" and "B's" toward the bottom. On this particular list of albums, the B's outrated the A's by a 2-to-1 margin. To drive my point home: there were plenty of good, memorable albums of 1981, just not that many great ones.

BEST ALBUMS

1. Damaged, Black Flag. Of all the gritty, visceral bands that came from the California hardcore-punk scene, Black Flag shined the brightest, and their full-length debut Damaged was their definite statement. After going through the parade of frontmen in their early days, the band settled on Henry Rollins, whose furious growl belied his odd charisma and startling intellect. One of many punk and metal albums that fell into Tipper Gore's family-friendly crosshairs in the mid-80s, Damaged has become an enduring document of a particular place, time, and mood. 

2. My Life in the Bush of Ghosts, David Byrne and Brian Eno. Continuing the brooding high art of Remain in Light --at least, in spirit-- Byrne's kinda-sorta solo debut is a collage of audio samples and demented rhythms. Simultaneously worldly, anxious, and insular, Ghosts preceded the development of cut-and-paste production methods that would dominate the music industry from the late 1980s onward. 

3. Dare!, The Human League. Synth-pop's first international superstars set a blueprint of sorts with their third and far away best effort. Known mostly for the infectious single "Don't You Want Me," this record is heavy on pop hooks and what was then state-of-the-art production values. The beats are cold yet danceable, and the band is more concerned with form than content. The sound of Dare! may reek of Reagan-era indulgences, yet this album is a Polaroid snapshot of New Wave's ascent and conquering of FM radio.

4. Tattoo You, The Rolling Stones

5. Talk Talk Talk, The Psychedelic Furs

6. Ghost in the Machine, The Police

7. Wild Gift, X

8. Juju, Siouxsie and the Banshees

9. Hard Promises, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

10. Tom Tom Club, Tom Tom Club. With the Heads on hiatus (see album #2), the husband-and-wife rhythm section of Chris Frantz and Tina Weymouth found light tropical breezes as partner-in-crime David Byrne uncovered dark, disturbing sonic patterns. On that opposite end of the spectrum, TTC's initial release was probably just as fun to listen to as it was to produce. Tossed off on a lark during a two-month jam session in Barbados, TTC seemlessly fuses New York alternative with the growing hip-hop scene just down the street at a time when both genres were cribbing each other's notes.

Honorable Mentions: Face Value, Phil Collins; Beauty and the Beat, The Go-Go's; As Falls Wichita, So Falls Wichita Falls, Pat Metheny & Lyle Mays; Signals, Calls, and Marches (EP), Mission of Burma; Moving Pictures, Rush; Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret, Soft Cell.

BEST SINGLES

"Don't Stop Believin'," Journey 

"Sirius/Eye in the Sky," The Alan Parsons Project

"Hold On Tight," Electric Light Orchestra

"Golden Brown," The Stranglers

"Switching To Glide/This Beat Goes On," The Kings

"Bette Davis Eyes," Kim Carnes

"Edge of Seventeen," Stevie Nicks

"There's a Guy Works Down the Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis," Kirsty MacColl

"Stand and Deliver," Adam & The Ants

"Ghost Town," The Specials

"6," Neats

"For Those About to Rock (We Salute You)," AC/DC

"Dancing with Myself," Billy Idol

"Bad Reputation," Joan Jett

"You Better You Bet," The Who

"Young Turks," Rod Stewart

BEST VIDEOS

1. "Whip It," Devo. No context necessary-- just crack that whip!

2. "Genius of Love," Tom Tom Club. Elvis Costello's "Accidents Will Happen" was probably the first animated music video, but this bright, energetic, and unforgettable clip proved that cartoons can make or break a hit song if the beat's just right.

3. "O Superman (For Massenet)," Laurie Anderson. If "Genius of Love" made animation a viable form, why not avant-garde installation pieces? This video was probably way too weird even for MTV, though it gave Anderson come college-rock notoriety.

4. "Rapture," Blondie. It would probably be unfair to dub Debbie Harry the Pat Boone of hip-hop, but this was the first rap-influenced song to #1 on the Billboard charts, and the video itself was not without its somniferous charm.

5. "When Things Go Wrong," Robin Lane & The Chartbusters. Apparently inspired by "The French Lieutenant's Woman," the LA-based singer-songwriter scored her biggest (i.e. only) hit with an Anglo-centric visual for her doleful girl-power anthem.

Honorable Mention: "Big Brown Eyes," The dB's.

Your thoughts?

Squawk Like an Egyptian

First it was Tunisia, then Egypt, and now Bahrain and possibly Yemen. What's most remarkable is that these revolutions were largely non-violent; the cradle of civilization has a long, brutal history of mutilation and bloodshed, so what has happened in the last three weeks has been a remarkable leap in progress not just for Egypt but the Mediterranean and Middle East in general. Hosni Mubarak had to go, no question, but what happens now? Stability is absolutely crucial, but temporary military control is seldom truly temporary. The influence of Islam extremists could be potentially troubling.

I'll concede that passive resistance won't work everywhere. One of my peacenik pals on Facebook commented that a violent overthrow of North Korea, beginning or concluding with the assassination of Kim Jong-Il, would be the only such act of bloodshed that she would ever endorse. Some semblance of reform will come to Iran someday, though it won't happen overnight and will likely need American intervention. On our end, combat in Iraq is more or less over, but Afghanistan still teeter-totters between building a democracy and eating itself whole. For all we know, 2011 in the Middle East could be a repeat of the European uprisings of 1968, and the chaos in Cairo is their Prague Spring. All that matters right now is finding a system that works, represents the people in the fairest way possible, and rejects the trend of extremism for something civil and just.

Other notes:

+ Mom Update: it's been more than six months since my mother's stroke, and she's still doing pretty well. In fact, we found out yesterday that in spite of her treatment last year, her hepatitis has now been completely eradicated. Earlier this week she began babysitting some neighbors' kids for a little side income, so I guess it's just business as usual.

+ Improv Update: for anyone in or around Chicago on February 28th, I'll be having my Level 4B class performance at IO. We'll be performing during the 7pm that night in the Cabaret (downstairs) Theater and admission is free to the general public. Drop me a line if you'd like more details.

+ Pitchers and catchers reported to the Kansas City Royals' training camp today. Oh well, there's always 2012. ;)

Next week: the year in music, 1981.