32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My 2025 NFL Preview

 

You know the drill:

*notes wild card

AFC NORTH

1. Ravens (12-5) Elite... until the/playoffs; rookie kicker is/only glaring concern.

2. Bengals* (10-7) Al Golden, new Vic/Fangio? Burrow-led O/can't win ten alone.

3. Steelers (8-9) Mister Rodgers' new/neighborhood; new O faces/contrast steady D.

4. Browns (5-12) Crowded QB room/among other issues; good/D-line stops pass rush.

AFC EAST

1. Bills (11-6) Allen to Kincaid/alone could carry the O/that new look D, though...

2. Dolphins (9-8) Locker room drama/makes Tua's head spin; can they/(Storm) Duck the friction?

3. Patriots (8-9) Vrabel is able/but to get this O going/it's gonna be... Maye.

4. Jets (4-13) Post-Aaron, Woody/is Field-ing a low risk bet/at QB ...for now.

AFC SOUTH

1. Texans (11-6) Low-key contender/if Stroud regains rookie form/and D-line still cooks. 

2. Jaguars (9-8) By-the-book Cats shake/it up with Hunter; patience/for Trevor wears thin.

3. Colts (5-12) Danny Dimes ponies/up; Taylor, Pittman, Warren/all stuck in first gear.

4. Titans (4-13) Stud O-line, Ward of/gifted young QB; Barton/sole vet linebacker.

AFC WEST

1. Chiefs (13-4) Mahomes isn't done/explosive plays needed to/make Worthy worthy.

2. Broncos* (10-7) Nix plays it safe as/top-tier secondary grinds/first downs to a halt.

3. Chargers* (10-7) Justin's pass stats mean/nothing without an O-line/Safety surplus helps.

4. Raiders (7-10) Geno inherits/gobs of weapons; will old Pete/right this motley ship?

NFC NORTH

1. Lions (13-4) New coaches, same Goff/Sonic & Knuckles tag-team/for elusive rings.

2. Packers* (10-7) Trading for Parsons/overshadows weak back end/like (not Love) the O.

3. Vikings (9-8) Recent draft picks aren't/impacting; heat on healthy/JJ, other kids.

4. Bears (8-9) On paper, new look/O could be entertaining/if Caleb makes strides.

NFC EAST

1. Eagles (14-3) High flying O keeps/soaring; Moro Ojomo/low-key sack leader?

2. Commanders* (12-5) Daniels, two-way threat/immediately elite/but old D might fade.

3. Cowboys (8-9) Parsons parses all/trade options; "all in" squad sure/looks like status quo.

4. Giants (5-11) Throwing (Jaxson) Darts/to see what sticks; good D-line/carries Blue burden.

NFC SOUTH

1. Bucs (10-7) Butchered Baker needs/playmakers; no edge pressure/means short playoff run.

2. Falcons (7-10) Young edges carry/patchwork D; Bijan and Drake/go hard for Penix.

3. Panthers (6-11) Which Bryce will show up/anxious ankle-biter, cool/mite or small wonder?

4. Saints (3-14) Bring back the paper/bag "hats," young Tyler isn't/ready for Shough-time.

NFC WEST

1. Niners (12-5) Brock needs receivers/Jauan wants a raise; question/marks on solid squad.

2. Rams* (11-6) McVay props up old/Stafford for another year/with bright young wideouts.

3. Seahawks (8-9) Gallant gulls, frugal/yet bold; Charbonnet becomes/Darnold's fave target.

4. Cardinals (7-10) Marvin is starvin'/to break out; healthy Kyler/makes Redbirds dark horse?

MVP: Jalen Hurts, Eagles

OROY: Ashton Jeanty, Raiders

DROY: Mykel Williams, Niners

First head coach fired: Brian Daboll, Giants

Super Bowl LX: Eagles 27, Bills 20

(756)

Ruminations on 41

 I turned 41 two weeks ago. I celebrated twice, once with friends and again with my sister and a family friend. I let the Facebook wishes roll in, and I tried to respond or "like" to all 175 wall posts (I didn't finish). I barely have any family left, and I'm still feeling some post-pandemic social isolation, so having a "found family" of friends and colleagues means more than it ever has.

I'm trying to put time in perspective, but it's been coming out in random and esoteric ways. A child that was in third grade when the pandemic shut everything down is now starting ninth grade. Most of this year's incoming seniors were born in early to mid-2008, and the incoming sixth graders born in early to mid-2014. I remember sitting at a high school assembly in March 2022, where a group of Ukrainian-American students expressed their heritage as Russia invaded their homeland. They were mostly freshmen, and now they're college freshmen. It's the little things you notice when you're an over-glorified babysitter for teenagers.

Next time: my annual NFL preview.

(755)

Random Notes, July-August 2025

 The bad news is overwhelming:

+ I worked in public radio for a little over two years (2003-06) and I still volunteer for that same station every Saturday. Of all the stops in my radio journey, this one was the least dysfunctional. Additionally, as someone who didn't grow up with cable, PBS Kids was a reliable daytime TV option over the summer; in fact, "Square One TV" was my first exposure to sketch comedy. It was disappointing, but not surprising, that the Trump-led GOP slashed federal funding for both in late June. A lot of large-market PBS and public radio stations will be fine (for now) but I worry about smaller stations in red areas, especially where the majority of the programming is canned or syndicated. Conservatives will celebrate because of an alleged liberal bias, ignoring that public radio has music and news/talk formats. With the Corporation for Public Broadcasting shutting down in a few weeks, the support of viewers like you is vital beyond words. 

+ Then there's Stephen. I wasn't a regular viewer of the second incarnation of the Late Show from the get-go, but by late 2019 it was appointment TV. Supposedly it was a budget move --Stephen would do interviews on location, something his predecessor never did-- but it smacks of politics. It is possible to be #1 in late night *and* lose money, but I would pin that on the slow death of network TV. If I'm watching Colbert, my cat instinctually jumps on my lap and pins me down (photo for evidence). I don't have live TV at the moment, so I watch Colbert and Seth Meyers the day after on YouTube; besides, I'm usually in bed before 11 CST. 

+ The dominant news story this summer, however involves a convicted pedophile that died six years ago. President Trump has seemingly gone through all five stages of grief (anger, especially) as he navigates a long-simmering scandal involving his late, estranged friend. The release of Epstein's documents has become a liberal dog whistle mirroring conservatives' obsession with Hunter Biden's laptop, only except Epstein didn't play computer solitaire or Minesweeper. Trump has admitted there was a falling out, but some damage was done; the far reaches of MAGA are anti-pedophile, and even if Trump did not have relations with underage women, the connection to Epstein is still damning. 

+ I needed a respite from the stupidity and vindictiveness. My sister persuaded me to fly to Anaheim with her this weekend; she's going to Disneyland, I'm taking a mini road trip to San Bernardino for baseball. We're also meeting our cousin (a manager for Disney Resorts) at Downtown Disney. 

I wish I had some badinage or repartee, but this has been a slog of a summer. I hope you're all doing well.

(754)

An Open Letter to Stephen King from Santa Claus

(Context here)

Ho ho ho and happy summer all,

Greetings from the North Pole, where I'm already preparing for my busiest day, five months from now. I wanted to take a moment to make a rare non-winter, out of season statement to address some comments made on social media by a little boy in Maine named Stephen King. 

WHAT THE FUCK, ASSHOLE? Don't drag me into this shit. I bring joy to children worldwide, and I don't need the bad PR. I was only on Epstein's island making my annual worldly rounds. Ghislaine Maxwell is on the naughty list for other shit. Besides, Epstein didn't even celebrate Christmas.

Yes, Stephen, there is an Epstein list. The list exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Epstein list! It would be as dreary as if there were no author of "Carrie." 

Not believe in the Epstein list! You might as well not believe in murderous sewer clowns. You might see your government's Department of Justice fire prosecutors with connections to the investigation, but even if you did not see an Epstein list coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees the Epstein list, but that is no sign that there is no Epstein list.

Enough flowery Gilded Age prattle, though: you've always been a dick, Stephen. I wanted your feedback on a short story I was working on, and you said "it's just 'The Tommyknockers' with elves." Clive Barker would never accuse me of being derivative. You still got presents on Christmas Day, even when you were coked out of your gourd, directing "Maximum Overdrive." Fuck you! 

Sincerely, Jolly Old Saint Nick

PS: Before I incriminate myself further, I want to remind all the good boys and girls that Santa's little helpers all make a living wage with optional paid overtime, in sufficient working conditions, and (most pivotally) are all over 18. Santa's Workshop has no affiliation with the Amazon warehouse recently built near the North Pole. 

(753)

20 Years On: The Legacy of TV.com

June 1st, 2005 marked the soft launch of TV.com, the site where I built most of my internet infamy. I've talked about the site at length before (after all, that's where this blog started) but for newer readers I'll sum it up here:

In many ways, TV.com was an upgrade over TV Tome. There was a more sophisticated interface, and an opportunity for social interaction that ran parallel with the nascent Facebook. TV Tome was founded and run by one guy, who then delineated some responsibilities to two paid employees; CNet swooped in just as this trio was burning out and ready to give up. TV.com had a full-fledged staff of admins, lording over a hundred-plus volunteer editors chosen by meritocracy. I built a handful of friendships at TV Tome, but that increased seemingly tenfold when CNet took the reins. I've even dated people that had TV.com accounts. My generating of content, pieced together from reliable internet sources and old TV Guides, veered into the maniacal until even I started to flame out.

Alas, the site was mismanaged and it lost money; the admin was gradually reduced to a couple of people, and it lost even more revenue. Our fan-created, all volunteer IP was shifted to TV Guide (another CNet acquisition, albeit far more established) and the site was dead by early 2020. The relationships, however mostly remain. 

Besides this being the unofficial 20th anniversary of this blog, this September would've been TV Tome's 25th anniversary. TV.com is a fading memory, TV Tome all but forgotten. If you're reading this, thanks again for sticking around. 

Meanwhile... we're at war? Did Trump drop bombs on Iran without the approval of Congress or his Secretary of State? In a just world, this is the singular event that results in Democrats taking both houses in the 2026 midterms. If he didn't have so many enablers, this would be grounds for a third impeachment; alas, that would mean President JD Vance. Right now, only a handful of Democrats seem to be vocal in resistance. The empire keeps crumbling.

(752)

Through a Freshman's Eyes: "Superbad" Edition

Depending upon where you are in the United States, high school graduation was somewhere between the middle of last month and this week. Most of this year's graduates were (if you can stomach this) born between late 2006 and mid-2007. Keeping a tradition that started as a ripoff of Beloit College's old Mindset List, I try to offer a glimpse into the perspective of someone who was born my senior year at Illinois State. Take a deep breath and enjoy!

If you graduated high school this year...

...it has always been possible for a woman to be US Speaker of the House.

...Pluto has always been defined as a dwarf planet.

...you've never known a world without the iPhone, Apple TV, Hulu, SoundCloud, or Amazon Kindle. 

...you've never played with a Nintendo GameCube.

...Martin Scorsese's name has always been preceded by "Academy Award winner."

...you've always associated Seth Meyers with telling topical jokes, not sketch comedy.

...the Kardashian family have always had a TV show.

...people have always been debating the "Sopranos" finale.

...Britney Spears has always been associated with mental health issues and conservatorship.

...Michael Vick has always been associated with animal abuse.

...Barry Bonds has always been baseball's all-time home run king.

...Kevin Durant has always played in the NBA.

...Patrick Kane has always played in the NHL.

...Steve Irwin, Pat Corley, Ann Richards, Boz Burrell, Buck O'Neil, Carlo Acutis, Cory Lidle, Johnny Callison, Freddy Fender, Jane Wyatt, Sandy West, Joe Niekro, Red Auerbach, Johnny Sain, Ed Bradley, Milton Friedman, Bo Schembechler, Robert Altman, Anita O'Day, Emmett Kelly Jr, Jose Uribe, Peter Boyle, Lamar Hunt, Ahmet Ertegun, the son from "The Jeffersons," Joseph Barbera, James Brown, Gerald Ford, Darrent Williams, Harry Horse, Carlo Ponti, Alice Coltrane, Ron Carey, Art Buchwald, Bam Bam Bigelow, Denny Doherty, Vern Ruhle, Lorne "Gump" Worsley, Bob Carroll Jr, Barbaro, Sidney Sheldon, Molly Ivins, Anna Nicole Smith, Hank Bauer, Peggy Gilbert, Dennis Johnson, Lamar Lundy, John Inman, Brad Delp, Richard Jeni, Bowie Kuhn, Larry "Bud" Melman, Coach Eddie Robinson, Darryl Stingley, Johnny Hart, Barry Nelson, Roscoe Lee Browne, Kurt Vonnegut, Don Ho, Kitty Carlisle, Donald E. Stephens, David Halberstam, Boris Yeltsin, Jack Valenti, Tom Poston, Jerry Falwell, Charles Nelson Reilly, Clete Boyer, Bill France Jr, Don Herbert, Kurt Waldheim, Rod Beck, Chris Benoit, Liz Claiborne, Beverly Sills, Boots Randolph, Johnny Frigo, Charles Lane, Lady Bird Johnson, Tammy Faye Bakker, Mike Coolbaugh, Tom Snyder, Ingmar Bergman, Bill Walsh, Clarence "Tex" Walker, Merv Griffin, Brooke Astor, Phil "Scooter" Rizzuto, Max Roach, and Richard Jewell have always been dead.

Next time: my (proper) 20th anniversary post.

(751)