32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My (Slightly Delayed) 2024 NFL Preview

Due to circumstance, I did not finish my annual pigskin forecast until after the Chiefs-Ravens game was completed, but just before the Packers-Eagles Brazil tilt. Regardless, to my small but loyal legion of readers (and short-form poetry enthusiasts) I didn't want to let you down.

*asterisks note wild cards

AFC NORTH

1. Ravens (12-5) One toe over the/line, sweet Jesus; next time, give/the ball to Henry.

2. Bengals* (10-7) Young and well-scouted/a full season of healthy/Joe really matters.

3. Steelers (7-10) About average/(again), assuming Wilson/has anything left.

4. Browns (5-12) Stefanski, sous chef/cooks with odd ingredients/but these Dawgs eat bones.

AFC EAST

1. Dolphins (11-6) Still feasting on bad/teams; do they have the Wright stuff/to really contend?

2. Bills (10-7) Wide right? Wide left? Give/Allen some targets first, *then*/rebuild special teams.

3. Jets (8-9) Improved on paper/but Rodgers is 40 and/he's not Tom Brady.

4. Patriots (3-14) Maye day, Maye day! These/Yanks are spiraling; pass rush/only saving grace.

AFC SOUTH

1. Texans (11-6) Say it's loud, they're back/and it's Stroud; healthy targets/augment the danger.

2. Jaguars (9-8) Beyond Trevor, these/cats are mid; blond bomber needs/a full top-tier year.

3. Colts (8-9) On paper, Tony/and Taylor should feast; they're dark/horses if healthy.

4. Titans (7-10) New pass-happy O/compliment corner upgrades/but Levis still stinks.

AFC WEST

1. Chiefs (12-5) Super Bowl three-peat/seems imminent, but yes, let's/fixate on Taylor.

2. Chargers* (10-7) History versus/Harbaugh; salary cap curbs/progress or fortunes.

3. Raiders (8-9) Defense… to the Maxx!/Receivers carry slapdash/O; in short, middling.

4. Broncos (6-11) Nix takes his licks; quick/release, book smarts turns fillies/into dark horses.

NFC NORTH

1. Lions (12-5) Outside receiver/sole concern; the claws are out/at long last, Motown!

2. Bears* (10-7) Caleb, golden boy/the elite QB they've dreamed/of, or next Cutler?

3. Packers (8-9) Nice try, Romeo/Love has other options; new/D scheme is X-factor.

4. Vikings (7-10) No JJ? Oh boy/this O is only as good/as Darnold serves up.

NFC EAST

1. Eagles (11-5) Mere thoughts of last year's/collapse still Hurt(s); with Saquon/there's no room to fail.

2. Cowboys (9-8) No changes, all in/win a title or rebuild/like Jerry Jones' face.

3. Giants (7-10) Dimes or Cutlets, this/O is boom or bust; pass rush/carries wobbly D.

4. Commanders (4-13) Patchwork O-line sinks/Beltway betterment; Jayden/will miss LSU.

NFC SOUTH

1. Falcons (10-7) A healthy Cousins/hears London calling; middling/D overt setback.

2. Buccaneers (9-8) Baker and Evans/a fun combo, but can they/establish the run?

3. Saints (7-10) A gumbo of "ifs"/O-line attrition, aging/D, and so-so Carr.

4. Panthers (4-13) Wee Young, next Flutie/sings “Mingo was his name-o”/as rebuild protracts.

NFC WEST

1. Niners (12-5) The next team with a/Super Bowl hangover; one/fears how they'll falter.

2. Cardinals* (11-6) An O starvin' for/Marvin; if all goes right, eat/drink, and be Murray!

3. Rams* (10-7) Avila carries/soft O-line; aging Stoddard/has one good year left.

4. Seahawks (8-9) Good receivers, doomed/in strong West; top-tier ST/keeps birds from crashing.

NFL MVP: Patrick Mahomes, Chiefs
OROY: Caleb Williams, Bears
DROY: Laiatu Latu, Colts
First head coach fired: Brian Daboll, Giants
Super Bowl LIX: Chiefs over Lions, 30-20

Thoughts?

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Room For Another

 My roommate, Cord Friis was killed in a traffic accident on July 20th. He was heading home from a memorial when a Prius hit his motorcycle; he died from blunt force trauma. This was a eulogy I intended to give:

I can’t say I knew Cord for a long time. We were roommates for a little under five years. I moved into the apartment in November 2019, mere months before the pandemic shut everything down. We hit it off almost immediately. We both grew up fans of The Simpsons, and we would occasionally quote lines from 90s episodes to each other. In this instance, I am reminded of the end of the season seven episode “Two Bad Neighbors,” where Homer meets former President Gerald Ford. Basically, Ford walks up to Homer and asks, “Do you like football? Do you like nachos? We can drink beer and watch the football game.” Cord straight-up said we had a lot in common and that this would be a good living arrangement. 

I cannot understate what a luxury it was to have a chef as a roommate during peak COVID. We feasted like kings. However, Cord was used to keeping second shift hours and was a perfectionist in the kitchen. Thus, dinner wasn't ready most nights until after 10 PM, but damn was it good. I’m not a broccoli cheddar guy, but he made exquisite broccoli cheddar soup.

As you’d imagine, Cord and I frequently talked about sports, especially football. We bonded over Da Bears; if I heard him screaming at the TV, I knew he had the game on. Even though he was a Cubs fan, he tolerated my 2015 Royals World Series flag in the dining room. It was a treat to have someone I could talk sports with in the house, something I hadn't enjoyed since my father died 8 1/2 years ago.

Cord was also a prankster, and when I first heard Cord was in the accident, in the back of my mind I thought he was pulling a fast one. Then I realized he wouldn’t leave behind the cat and the plants without any notice, let alone a fridge filled with his groceries. With that said, Meowser is fine, but she’s still a little confused. The plants haven’t said a word.

In the days following his sudden death, it was a challenge to go about my normal routine. My friend and improv partner Dan Anderson invited me to a Cubs-Brewers game at Wrigley that following Tuesday. After the game, I tried my luck at getting autographs outside the Brewers’ team bus on Sheffield Avenue. The first player to stop outside was a relief pitcher named Jared Koenig, and I was taken aback by his resemblance to Cord. You can Google him right now if you don’t believe me. Regardless, Jared signed my baseball card, and he was polite and gracious with the fans. I suppose I took this weird coincidence that everything must be just fine.

With that said, I had intended to say most of this out loud at Cord's celebration of life last Saturday. I want to thank Marcy and Jillian for trying to give me an opportunity to say a few words; the time never came. There was a Bears preseason game, and I was imaging that he'd be emotionally invested in that meaningless scrimmage. Regardless, I’m sure Cord would’ve appreciated this memorial.

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Flip This Ticket

I hope I publish this post before something else major happens. Good grief.

Call it the Kamala effect. Since the Vice President took the reins from President Biden on July 21st, the Democrats have raised over a quarter billion dollars nationally, she instantly took the lead in polls in several swing states, and brought new energy into an otherwise interminable election cycle. The timing was uncanny; Biden wasn't going to back out during the RNC, but opted to do so a couple days after, to curb the traditional post-convention bump.

Even though Harris was a strong presence on the campaign trail, her first run for the Oval Office in late 2019 was undercut by financial issues. Now she has the message *and* the war chest. It also puts the onus of age squarely on Trump, who won the June debate by default but still rambles like Abraham Simpson at his frequent rallies. There's also the prosecutor versus felon angle. Even with the dramatic boost in donations, the race has gone from a narrow Trump lead to a virtual tie nationally, and there's still three months of brinksmanship to go. 

Now the question, who will be the veep's veep? Probably a middle-aged white guy with liberal, not necessarily progressive leanings. JB Pritzker would be a good pick (local bias) but Tim Walz would also be suitable. Either would look relatively sane --and safe-- compared to an awkward, jejune, trust fund doofus like JD Vance.

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Somehow Shatterproof

 (Ed. note: here we go again. I wrote this before President Biden dropped out of the race. More on that in a few days.)

There is no polite, let alone cogent way to say a Donald Trump assassination attempt was inevitable. Just because something like this hasn't happened in most of our lifetimes doesn't mean something this ghastly couldn't happen. Even though his fellow conservatives will make this out like when John Hinckley shot Ronald Reagan, early reports indicate it was more like when Squeaky Fromme tried to take out Gerald Ford. (The major difference is that Fromme completely missed.) Trump has also tied himself in history with Teddy Roosevelt and Robert F. Kennedy Sr, two candidates that were targeted on the campaign trail. For that reason, the MAGA base is galvanized even more, their obsession ignoring that Trump's facial injury in the incident was the result of shattered plexiglass from the TelePrompTer, not a bullet.

Why do I insinuate that an attempt on Trump's life was inevitable? For nine years now, Trump has pandered to 2A and the NRA, a faction of conservative Americans that the GOP kept at arm's length for decades. His cult of personality has forced the Republican Party to pivot harder to the right, with a higher threshold for more extreme ideas and policies. That is not to say the now-deceased shooter was necessarily a disciple, but it's hard to deny he was encouraged. Additionally, while I would never condone murder, his agenda remains naked and concerning. 

Which brings me to his running mate and the RNC clown show. JD Vance has little in common with Trump besides being a pampered opportunist with a penchant for fabrication. He was a staunch never-Trumper conservative until it wasn't convenient to to do, then started suckling on the teat to advance his own political career. The convention itself had exactly two tolerable speeches; one was an earnest effort by Don Junior's teenage daughter, the other by a nonagenarian World War II vet (or as we call them nowadays, Antifa). Otherwise, it was recycled, exhausting vitriol in a moment when such discord was almost inappropriate.

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Ridin' With Biden (Until Sundown)

(Ed. note: I wrote most of this essay before the Trump assassination attempt. That will be the subject of my next post.)

It's been a rough few weeks for left-leaning ideologies. The SCOTUS' decision to allow ex-President Trump partial immunity for instigating January 6th is concerning, especially in yet another election cycle where he's polling around 50%. Project 2025 is looking less like a fringe-right wet dream and more like a handbook for how an emboldened Trump would navigate a second term. 

The greatest concern, however is the well-being of the incumbent. President Biden's performance in the first presidential debate was weak and doddering to the point of concerning, and even he admits that. He's our oldest president ever (82 this November) running against the man who would be the oldest elected ever (Trump turned 78 in June) and arguably neither is in top form. Where the GOP is dutifully propping up their guy, a panicky mutiny of sorts is growing among Democrats. Biden's own attempts to prove his worthiness have been mixed, further fanning the flames.

In the grand scheme of things this election cycle has been a slog, as galvanizing as drywall. Progressives, the hard right, and the media know it. If Biden is being bullied, he's not going to cave. There's also no consensus on who would succeed Biden on the ticket. It's an overblown debate when Democrats should rally against the greater evil, Donald Trump. To reiterate what I've been saying for 3 1/2 years, Biden is our best hope in spite his occasional senior moments. 

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A House, Still Disordered

 I've been too busy to type, so let me attempt to catch you up.

The water is out of my aunt's basement. My sister tried to DIY this with a rented pump, but she ultimately called a service. Our initial estimate was over $9,000 to drain and repair, so we only paid about $3,600 just for the water. We had a chance encounter with the neighborhood handyman, who has been very helpful. (I owe her money, but that's another story.) The basement itself is a 99% loss, and we can't pool any more of our own finances into further repairs. 

The objective now is cleaning up the top two floors for an estate sale in late July, then a short sale of the property. When all is said and done, we might make a meager profit; the house is in a nice neighborhood in upper-middle-class Naperville, but the needed repairs, estate debts, and legal fees will drain almost all of that money. The basement door remains shut, out of fear black mold could still spread.

Our other concern is the neighbors. The same family that were de facto caretakers took issue with how we were initially pumping out the water, and it's been contentious ever since. The handyman told us he's an entitled dick, and we should take his fuming and posturing with a grain of salt. 

Meanwhile... 34 counts. Forgive the delay on my comments, but in the wake of the Trump verdict four weeks ago, his base is just as galvanized as I feared. There's a 50/50 chance we'll get a president-elect under house arrest in south Florida.

Here's to 19 years of blogging. Let's see what awaits for year 20.

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