A High School Acquaintance, Part 1

 A couple months ago, I lamented being disconnected from old friends.  Even with the pandemic and the Delta variant making my willingness waver, I've been easing back into my often elusive yet perpetual goal to reconnect. I've largely played this aspect safe; I've been to two get-togethers with fellow improvisers, but most of the attendees were people I last saw just before quarantine. Still, I had one experience this summer that validated my hesitation.

I was first acquainted with "Daisy" in high school. We were on the homecoming committee together, though I don't recall ever interacting with her. Sometime in Spring 2004, less than a year after I graduated high school, Daisy reached out to my sister via AIM. My sister told me Daisy wanted to chat with me on messenger, so we exchanged screen names. During our convo, Daisy said she had a crush on me, but never worked up the nerve to say anything. I was flattered --I didn't date in high school much-- and found some common ground. Soon after, we agreed to meet up for lunch the next week.

I arrived 10 minutes early at the Subway in downtown Downers Grove. I waited nearly a half-hour for Daisy to arrive before deciding to buy lunch without her. I tried to reach out on AIM and ask what happened, but she didn't log in for several weeks. About a month later, she messaged me to explain what happened: she had a falling out with her mom, and was now living in a trailer park with a guy she was dating. I didn't know how to process this, as I was under the impression that we were supposed to be on a date five weeks prior. We had another long conversation, but out of fear of alienating my "crush," at no point did I clarify the intent of that lunch meet-up.

Communication remained sporadic throughout 2004 and 2005. Her father, a college professor in North Carolina, arranged to have her live at a Ronald McDonald House for a spell, for reasons unclear. Daisy got engaged to the trailer park guy, but soon broke it off, citing his perceived anger problem. (If you're wondering, this all happened between her 19th and 20th birthdays.) 

There was another stretch of radio silence until December 2005, when Daisy reached out again on AIM. She said she was back in Illinois, living with a recent divorcee that she meet two months prior. I'm not sure what happened, and my best guess is that I misinterpreted something I said or some awkward turn of phrase. After 20 minutes of small talk, she suddenly flipped on me. I couldn't tell what was going on, but I apologized profusely. It wasn't I was apologizing for either, but I was taken aback by how livid she was. Not long after, she messaged "W/E" (whatever) and logged out. Either way, I was disappointed that I might never hear from Daisy again. I did... but that's a story for another time.

Link to part two here.

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32 Teams, 32 Haiku: My 2021 NFL Preview

 

It's pro football season yet again, with an extra game added this year on top of the expanded playoff format introduced in 2020. I'm cutting to the chase, because no one reads this introductory paragraph. I break it down, 17 syllables at a time: 

AFC NORTH

1. Ravens (11-6) Title contenders/when the O is rush only/shake it up, Lamar!

2. Browns* (10-7) Clowney, no fool on/the edge; defensive upgrades/compliment strong O.

3. Steelers (9-8) Smashed Roethlis-burger/if the O-line falters; weak/rush attack lingers.

4. Bengals (6-11) These Burrow-ing cats/have a new wide receiver/but still little depth.

AFC EAST

1. Bills (12-5) Surplus of wideouts/will delight, though green pass D/could wreck title hopes.

2. Dolphins* (11-6) Dance the Tua-step/the flowin’ Samoan has/surpassed Fitz-magic.

3. Patriots (8-9) A sleeper (really!)/Mac won’t cheese, he’s ready now/sack-happy D helps.

4. Jets (5-12) Zach Wilson avoids/the second pick curse, but not/same old Gang Green woes.

AFC SOUTH

1. Titans (11-6) Injuries and old/O-line? No worries! Give the/ball to King Henry.

2. Colts (8-9) Ponies saddled by/missing pieces; keep an eye/on Carson, daily.

3. Jaguars (4-13) Trevor, blond bomber/won’t win immediately/with Urban’s cowboys.

4. Texans (2-15) Hot mess in H-Town/a team so toxic, you need/a mask just to watch.

AFC WEST

1. Chiefs (13-4) Retooled O-line, but/at QB they stand Pat; Frank/Clark, do or die time!

2. Chargers* (10-7) Brandon Staley and/"activation period"/SoCal Ted Lasso?

3. Raiders (8-9) New tackles offer/Carr insurance, yet their D/still won't finish games.

4. Broncos (7-10) *Still* no QB; all/these good receivers wasted/Studs? More like geldings.

NFC NORTH

1. Packers (12-5) Green and gold drama/Aaron’s pouting distracts from/injuries on D.

2. Bears (8-9) Dalton “fields” the flak/over who should start; not if/Big Red’s benched, but when.

3. Vikings (7-10) Are their fatal flaw/the D-line, special teams, Kirk/Cousins… or all three?

4. Lions (4-13) Coach Campbell wants to/bite kneecaps, but these Kitties/are just too hamstrung.

NFC EAST

1. Cowboys (10-7) Good O… on paper/health is crucial to avoid/'20 fiasco.

2. WFT (8-9) Anonymous, yet/scary D-line; placeholder/QB might suffice.

3. Giants (7-10) Big, blue question marks/on both sides of the ball; can/Saquon stay healthy?

4. Eagles (5-12) Minshew or Hurts, two/unsavory options on/a slapdash offense.

NFC SOUTH

1. Bucs (12-5) No changes at all/Tommy, old mutineer has/surplus of weapons.

2. Saints* (11-6) Taysom or Winston/a challenging decision/that won’t be Brees-y.

3. Panthers (7-10) Darnold's redemption/starts here; lack of left tackle/could unspool the O.

4. Falcons (6-11) Dirty birds can't fly/when winnable games aren't won/Is Dean Pees a whiz?

NFC WEST

1. Seahawks (11-6) Lil’ Russ is appeased/they’ll score in bunches, maybe/contend if D clicks.

2. Rams* (10-7) Stafford finally/has a staff; Donald and D/are still excellent.

3. Niners* (9-8) Jimmy G cannot/falter; Lance will boil if/put under center.

4. Cardinals (7-10) Better than record/suggests; Kyler needs to be/top tier *all* season.

OTHER PICKS:

NFL MVP: Patrick Mahomes, Chiefs

Offensive ROY: Najee Harris, Steelers

Defensive ROY: Micah Parsons, Cowboys

First Head Coach Fired: Kliff Kingsbury, Cardinals 

Super Bowl LI: Chiefs 31, Packers 13

Thoughts?

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Stu News' Eighth Anniversary

 Hello everyone! My Facebook comedy page turns eight this week, and I am announcing the revival of a contest from last year. Also, a rare opportunity for my blog readers to see and hear yours truly:  

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Dispatches from Arm's Length, Part 17

 I have been so caught up in personal stuff this first half of 2021 that I've barely commented on the still-nascent Biden administration. Make no bones about it: Joe Biden is running the country from the center-left. Compare him all you want to his pal Barack Obama, but a better comparison would be Bill Clinton. Biden hasn't been perfect --he's been slow to tackle immigration, or at least differentiate himself from his predecessor-- but right now I'll take mere competence. Give him time; it's only been six months.

Like the increasingly unhinged and uninformed far-right, progressives tend to be extremely vocal on social media, yet don't represent a majority of votes within their political party. Their notoriously bleeding hearts are in the right place, but the self-rightousness is palpable. This is why rattling off names of progressive presidential candidates --Dennis Kucinich, Howard Dean, Bernie Sanders-- almost reads like a graveyard. (I am randomly reminded of the prison camp situation on the US-Mexico border.) I hate to say it, but a democratic socialist would've handed Trump re-election.

I mention Biden because when I lost blogged, COVID as we knew it seemed to have its back against the wall. Now we have the Delta variant, a spike in deaths among the non-vaccinated, and the gradual return of mask mandates. Like last summer, we tried to move back into the "old normal" too quick, but now we have a flawed honors system that's hospitalizing the unvaccinated left and right. Unlike 2020 when a weak, deluded president deferred constantly to state governments, we have someone like Biden who can take some accountability and listens to the experts. For all his flaws, Biden is still better than the alternative. 

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Random Notes, June 2021

This month marks 16 years of blogging. As always, my attention span is a tad scattered:

+ My sister and I are still clearing out the house in Downers. I have no valid reason for my inconsistent dispatches beyond that, but it has been grueling. 

+ The Flower Shop Bangers' Zoom show is on hiatus. My improv partner has some family health stuff going on (a most relatable situation) and it's become to much of a burden and distraction. We will keep you posted when we're performing again. 

+ One of my exes recently came out as non-binary. This was a person that I dated for 14 months in 2016-17, and I am happy for their self-actualization. I always had this premonition that they weren't cis female, but for a day or two I contemplated whether I was truly "straight" or not. I've dated non-binary people, but I guess I prefer cis women. I don't think there's a label for that. 

+ This month marks 16 years of writing my rambling thoughts, but also the 15th anniversary of my first Fantasy Emmy ballot. I'm so detached from watching any TV outside of late night that your guess is as good as mine. Odds are, HBO and streaming will dominate the proceedings again. 

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Through a Freshman's Eyes, WMD Edition

Welcome to the second COVID graduation season! The class of 2021 spent a whopping one-third of their high school careers either on Zoom or doing hybrid learning, unthinkable technology 18 short years ago. They were born a year or so after the 9/11 attacks, when the US was fighting one ground war and about to start another. Like the class of '20 before them, their entire lives have been witness to all the trials and tribulations of the 21st century.

Since I wrote last year's list, the Beloit College/Marist College mindset list was adjusted for a more realistic approach to how this year's incoming college freshmen will see the world. I will continue undaunted to write mine the traditional way. 

With that said, if you graduated high school this year...

...Saddam Hussein has never been President of Iraq.

...Tayyip Erdogan has always been leader of Turkey.

...it has always been possible for the US to start a war under questionable circumstances.

...Slovakia has always been part of the European Union.

...a NASA manned space shuttle has never exploded.

...Beyonce has always been best known as a solo artist.

...your mental image of Johnny Depp has always been of an eccentric pirate.

...there has always been Wifi in space (and on Earth, I guess).

...MySpace has always been around, even though you barely remember when it was relevant.

...cell phones have always had cameras.

...Toyota has always made hybrid automobiles.

...there has never been any noteworthy national landmarks in New Hampshire.

...the Oakland (now Las Vegas) Raiders have never played in a Super Bowl.

...there have always been 32 teams and eight four-team divisions in the NFL.

...Josh McCown has always played in the NFL.

...Udonis Haslem has always been in the NBA (yes, really).

...Michael Jordan has never been in the NBA.

...Jimmy Kimmel has always hosted a talk show on ABC.

...Bill Maher has always hosted a talk show on HBO.

...Simon Cowell has always been a judge on an American reality competition show.

...Kenan Thompson has always been a cast member on Saturday Night Live.

...Bob Hope, Mister Rogers, Katherine Hepburn, Johnny Unitas, Kim Hunter, Bruce Paltrow, Aileen Wuornos, Teresa Graves, Ray Conniff, Stephen Ambrose, Sir Richard Harris, Tom Dowd, Jam Master Jay, James Coburn, Billie Bird, Roone Arledge, Lucy Grealy, Joe Strummer, Herb Ritts, George Roy Hill, Sydney Omarr, Maurice Pialat, Maurice Gibb, Richard Crenna, Al Hirschfeld, Bill Mauldin, Nell Carter, Lana Clarkson, Dolly the cloned sheep, Sis Daley, Howie Epstein, Horst Buchholz, Michael Jeter, Edwin Starr, Little Eva, Nina Simone, "Miss Elizabeth" Hulette, Noel Redding, Dave DeBusschere, Robert Stack, Sloan Wilson, Mickie Most, Freddie Blassie, David Brinkley, Gregory Peck, Hume Cronyn, Asa Baber, Larry Doby, Roger Neilson, Leon Uris, Lester Maddox, Strom Thurmond, Joan Lowery Nixon, Buddy Hackett, Herbie Mann, Barry White, Buddy Ebsen, Celia Cruz, Uday Hussein, Qusay Hussein, Gregory Hines, Herb Brooks, Idi Amin, and Charles Bronson have always been dead.

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